Too Late For Us?

[v1olin]

I gotta say, you did a good job of catching her in the act. That was a good start for you. Now kick her butt out. She will not change without major crisis.

[ShockedOne]

While OM is involved, you can't place the blame on him. He is not the one that is married. Obviously there had to be some communication happening for her to know where to meet him.
I agree with the others that she needs to have some serious consequences for her actions or there will be no learning on her part. I would tell her that until she can fully commit to your marriage she needs to find somewhere to stay. And she needs to understand that by fully committing there will be no setbacks like this. Good call on calling OM, he most likely had been being lied to, and chances are he does not want to be involved with a married woman.

[mrbt]

ShockedOne, Yes. I understand that I cannot blame the OM entirely. However, he is not blameless. This started as an EA a year ago and at that time he most definitely knew she was married. I found a few of the emails. He was the one to suggest the the secret cell phone (that's how I got his number BTW). I don't know when the affair became physical. Wife claims this was the first time but a suspect it has happened before.

I called the OM because I want him to have some level of discomfort. I want him to know he is not anonymous and that his participation could cause problems in his life. It occurred to me today that they were both very drunk while driving back from the bar. He's a truck driver. I wonder how hi employer might feel about this. Also, I had been told by wife before that he was in a relationship - engaged? But have no idea if this is the truth.

Anyway, I know he is not really the problem. But I certainly don't want to make his life easy.

As far as wife leaving. I plan to wait until I see my counselor before I do anything.

[ShockedOne]

Well if he knows she he is involved, then yes, he does hold some responsibility. Maybe next time, if it happens again, call the cops in on DUI's.

[mrbt]

Hi All. Am I crazy for hanging on?

Its been about three weeks since catching wife with the OM. We still have not had an in depth discussion about what happened. I wanted to give myself time get over the initial shock.

Shortly after "the incident" wife and I attended an out of town wedding together. This was very surreal for me. Immediately following the wedding I stayed out of town (for work) for an additional week. Now we are both home together and things have been okay. Wife has been very sweet and has proclaimed "I will never cheat again."

I met with my counselor several days ago and explained what happened. In my next session we will talk about how to approach the wife - what to say, etc.

As I said, things feel "okay" between us now. Its almost as if getting the secret out in open has changed things. However, not talking about it prevents us from truly moving on. I am proceeding with caution from here.

[Number 8]

mrbt, I've been thinking and wondering about you. I'm so glad you posted today.

Great minds think alike, you know? I JUST posted on my thread a question about whether I'm optimistic or crazy. I honestly don't know the answer to that.

Here's the big question--how do you feel about HER right now? She's being sweet toward you, which is nice. It's also nice that she's promised to never cheat again. But how do YOU feel? And do you believe her?

I'm so glad you have your counselor. I'd love to know what you learn about how to approach your W.

Have a good evening! Have a glass of wine and RELAX.

[mrbt]

Thanks 8. For the record, I think we are both off our nut. I will reply to your post when I have more time to get caught up on your thread.

Regarding your question: I feel pretty good right now but I am trying to be cautious. She seems like a different person, like her old self. Its tempting just to bury this and move on (something she suggested) but I know that would be ill-advised.

My trust level is at zero right now so, I need to see her make a huge effort in this area. Also, she still has not "officially" dropped the divorce. I need to see something from a lawyer stating that this divorce-thing is dead.

This is the kind of stuff I will talk to my counselor about.

[Number 8]

Yes, we are likely both insane. But acknowledging it is the first step toward healing, right?

I think cautious is GOOD. You've already been burned a few times (a few times too many), so I think this is wise.

I long for my H to be his old self. That H is greatly missed. I hope your old W stays. I also think it's a good idea NOT to just drop it all. I'm sure that she would want to, but this gives her the easy way out--she doesn't have to face the music for what she did. Also, not facing the music makes it easier for her to make a mistake like this again.

Has she mentioned the divorce thing recently?

[mrbt]

Things are bad again. Details later. : (

[ShockedOne]

Hold on tight, it is quite a roller coaster ride. Sorry things went south again.