The book I'm reading tells you to show your S the person s/he fell in love with... that you were probably upbeat, positive and compassionate when you met your S.
My H used to sigh so often, he'd sigh about the news, he'd get mad at other drivers, kids not saying thank you when he opened the door for them. He sighed and got upset with anything that he considered unfair or rude. The first thing he'd do after coming home was SIGH, then whinge, whinge, whinge about work, UK, just anything. It was almost like he was constantly looking for something to whinge about. It really got to me after several months of having this everyday... just so depressing you know. That's when I started nagging and we argued constantly.
How do you let someone know that this depressing attitude is just not healthy? He considers himself a perfectly happy person and I'm the one who's insane, that I should see a specialist. It's not easy.
The reason I decided to cut contact is bc his replies would have insulting remarks. He's blaming everything on me and demonizing me, but curses are not necessary (talk about being passionate about fairness& manners! So easy to be blind about yourself). No respect and very unpleasant, and I don't want a 'friend' like that.
btw, there is another website talkaboutmarriage.com there seem to be more people on there.
I know it's difficult being so far, but who knows? The positive communication might turn into phone calls, then into a holiday over there... to have hope is good but it'd be best if we can get to a point where we feel it's ok either way.
Wow, I know it's easy to get paranoid when going through this stuff, but a lot of what you just said hits home.
I would comment on anything that I found unfair/unjust/rude etc. I do feel that I'm perfectly happy person... most of the time... but I completely acknowledge that I've got a problem. I'm doing what I can to focus on the positives in life, and I'm seeking professional help. I don't want to be a negative person, I don't want to live and die on little things that other people do to each other.
How do you let someone know that their attitude is unhealthy? You tell them. You talk to them about it and let them know how you feel it is affecting you, themselves and your relationship... which I realise is easier said than done, especially given the circumstances. I can say that I have never been verbally abusive to my W. I've not insulted her or sworn at her, even when she told me what she'd done. I've followed inline with her wishes, I've not told out joint friends that there is infidelity involved. Even when emailing I've been polite and friendly as much as possible.... so yeah, it is different in that regard.
Thanks for the URL, I'll check that out too.
You're right, you never know where the positive communication is going to lead to. ... Honestly, I know I'll be OK. I know that if she does go through with this and file, I'll survive, and even thrive, given how I've been since she told me. I'm not going to collapse. I'm not going to back slide. I have down times, but I a overall positive about myself and my future.
I just need to keep my patience in check. Most of me just wants to know one way or the other... but that's not how this is going to play out, so I've got to steel my resolve.
More driving tonight, and possibly some Salsa. Last night's Hip hop went well, and Tuesday's Ballroom was lovely. Actually, Monday's Contemporary was fantastic with the instructor loving me and telling me how far I've come, which was a boost. All in it's been a pretty darn good week so far! Gonna try and keep this up.
Me: 29 H: 25 T:7yrs M:5yrs
Bomb: 23/04/10
Had no idea anything was wrong. Cheated so she could end it without talking.
Maybe my stitch is at the other end of the spectrum in a way... your W went quiet about it, I nagged :-P I told him so many times how it was affecting me, that it felt like he was dumping negative stuff on me. But his view was that I was wrong for looking at it that way, what's wrong with venting anyway. So no matter how many times I told him that he's creating negative atmosphere at home and I hated it, he'd just defend himself and we'd argue. It felt like he was putting a lid on it.
If someone sees something as perfectly normal and ok to do, they won't see it otherwise unless they want to... if you know what I mean?
Just one thought... Does your dad sigh or have negative views in general? When I talked to a counselor(not DB coach), she told me that fathers are "a window to the world" for their kids. If he sighs about it constantly, then the kids will think there is not much out there for them and would have similar views. My H's dad used to do this.
I'm not religious but I decided to leave it to the unknown, things happen for a reason and there must be good things in store for me... anything can be turned into opportunities depending on how you pick yourself up. :-)
I'm definitely trying hard on the GAL front. There are the loads of dance classes, plus a whole new cadre of mates hanging around. I would normally be very happy to stay at home on my own and do some work/find some entertainment, but now being alone doesn't sit well with me, so I head out as much as possible, actively calling people and making a nuisance of myself
Yeah, your sitch is diffinitely different... I want to say that if I had been offered the same chance that you gave your H that I would have reacted differently, but I guess I'll never know.
But yeah, I know what you mean, you can't convince someone who already believes they are right.
You've hit the nail on the head with my father though. He always did, and still does have very negative views on people. I even had words with him two days ago about writing people off from the slightest impication that they may THINK about doing something he wouldn't like. It's a very negative attitude, and it's something I need to do about within myself.
I'm definitely all for making the most out of the opportunities afforded with this... I may not want the sitch, but I still want my life
Me: 29 H: 25 T:7yrs M:5yrs
Bomb: 23/04/10
Had no idea anything was wrong. Cheated so she could end it without talking.
Oh wow... when the counselor told me about the subconscious dad psychology thing, I brushed it aside thinking 'yeah right, you're just saying that cos I just told you the facts about my stitch'.
We all carry some sort of a baggage from our past I guess, I'm guilty of mine. It's good to know what they are bc we can do something about it then. And I'm sure our parents did their best to provide us.
>if I had been offered the same chance that you gave your H that I would have reacted differently, but I guess I'll never know
It's nice of you to say this B, I was starting to think does everyone see things like my H, was I that bad in feeling the way I did.
My H's parents argued all his life so he strongly believes that M should be an eternal bliss. His mantra was 'when you find the right person there is no need to put in so much effort in R'. It doesn't help that he's surrounded by much younger mates who are mostly single and with similar belief... which is another reason I'm thinking of dropping the rope altogether.
I'm blessed to have parents who are still happily together after so many years of M, who show me what is in store for you when you work through it.
Yeah, that counselor was definitely onto something there. There is some truth to it. We have to get our baggage from somewhere, and it's got to start at home.
My parents are lovely people, and still in a deeply loving marriage some 30+ years in. That said, my mother martyrs herself constantly (which I emulate), and my father has some of the most negative opinions of people I've ever known. These are things I need to work on, along with my self confidence and try to dodge my darker moods.
You're not bad in feeling the way you do. I may allow myself to indulge in negativity (which is something very difficult to battle given my current sitch), but I can also see what it does to my day to day life, and it's something I've been meaning to work on for a while....now I've just got time and a good reason to finally get around to it.
My parents don't really argue all the time, but they also don't let things fester. From them I learnt that problems need to be aired, and as a result never let things lay that needed to be talked about. I thought my W had come to learn the merits of this as well. But she had been taught by her parents that you push negativity down and live as if it doesn't exist.
Her parents divorced when she was 13, in a very bitter dispute.
Her mother is now married to a man she admits to not loving. Her father is married to his 3rd wife who has told us she is leaving him.
And now she is leaving me.
Me: 29 H: 25 T:7yrs M:5yrs
Bomb: 23/04/10
Had no idea anything was wrong. Cheated so she could end it without talking.
Talking about closure... although my DB coach asked me if I need to right now, I'm really itching to file for D. The last time I spoke (when I backslid) to H he was livid telling (yelling) me there is no feeling left whatsoever and there is no way to try again. I know I pushed R talk but what he told me is making me want closure really badly. Frustrating thing is that he says he's too busy to file... he's always been a procrastinator but even for something important like this.
Closure only comes when you let it. Nobody can give it to you.
You can have closure right now if you want.
You have these artificial goals: I need a D to have closure. No you don't. You can have it without that. D is just a pain in the butt like going to the dentist or getting your car registered.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
D is just a pain in the butt like going to the dentist or getting your car registered.
Hehe you're funny TimeHeals.
You're right, D is just paperwork really. It makes you feel like you're tied to someone though, there are moments when I'm sick of it all.
Difficult not to let resentment build when someone demonizes you as if you're responsible 200% and he's an angel. And when it builds, it's hard to think of it just as a piece of paper.
