How long have you gone without the physical interaction?
This "friends" thing is bad for your mojo and your sex drive unless you have that need met elsewhere, again bad advice - but it is the technical truth.
One of my reasons for eventually cheating is I'm getting older, and I would hate for my sex drive/life to get slowed or shut down by a non-cooperative partner, to never ever come back the same again.
Why can't the wife allow you to give her that attention?
I get the "fell out of love" thing. In marriage you are not always going to feel those strong "in love feelings", sometimes we do what we are supposed to do.
How long have you gone without the physical interaction?
Its been about 5 weeks.
Quote:
Why can't the wife allow you to give her that attention?
Well she had it being met by Mr. Facebook, and they were always talking about when they'd eventually meet. But honestly, she just doesn't WANT to do anything physical. She says "When I hug you I feel only like I am hugging a friend"
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
The physical interaction isn't the thing. It's the emotional connection. Think about it this way. Mr. FB is just a virtual person but he was able to appeal to her emotions.
He pushed the right emotional buttons for her. Can you push any of those buttons? If you know what they are, you can't do it quickly or overwhelmingly because they're going to show you are in a panicked state. Cool and calm.
You can do it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
That's why it doesn't matter if you know what the "script" is. You can't anticipate things in a definite way.
Right now she's wearing the pants and driving the train. What can you do so that you are back in the driver's seat?
I thought exposing the affairs and confronting the other guys would shake things up so she does not feel like she has all that "security" when the divorce is final. Like it might cause her to reconsider when she figures out Mr. Facebook won't be telling her how great she is for 4 more months.
Like I said she is VERY stubborn, and I am not sure exactly how to proceed. I am definitely a little nervous and panicked.
QS,
You are waaaaaaaaayyyyyy too impatient. I mean by like 50x.
This is a marathon, not a sprint. You just exposed her, and she most likely doesn't even know yet that these two other OM aren't going to want to have anything to do with her.
She has no clue of the legal ramifications other than what her atty has told her so far, and many are known to "blue-sky" their clients. Also you should STRONGLY consider the possibility that whatever legal advice she has gotten is based on what SHE, your wife, as told the atty and there's a VERY high likelihood that she LIED to them (I know, I know, for the life of me I will NEVER understand why people lie to:
- their atty - their physician - their IC)
She has thus far felt ZERO financial consequences, nor does she probably even have a realistic CLUE about what they are.
Hell, physiologically, she is (and I'm no pathologist here) probably still coursing with 90%+ of the PEAs thru her brain than she was just five minutes after her last cybersex event.
SHE HAS NO CLUE YET WHAT IS IN STORE FOR HER.
And all of the stuff about your marriage is classic "re-writing of marital history" script. Let me take a wild guess here: I'll wager that you have anniversary or Valentine's Day cards from her, as recently as THIS YEAR, in which she wrote something very nice and personal??
You need to RELAX, dude. I know this is incredibly difficult -- IT WILL BE THE HARDEST DAMNED THING YOU'VE EVER HAD TO DO -- but that's all the more reason why you'd BETTER settle yourself in for the LONG, MARATHON HAUL.
Here's another dose of reality, as if that wasn't all enough: if your wife came to you TONITE, completely remorseful, contrite, and begged you to take her back and reconcile, cutting off all contact with OM and agreeing to full transparency . . .
. . . it would be AT LEAST six months before she will begin to meet ANY of your emotional needs, and possibly even your physical ones as well.
Sorry for the cold dose of reality, but I've studied hundreds of these things and have gone thru it myself. And I can still remember where I was sitting, what I was wearing, and the angle of the sun thru my family room window when I read the e-mail from my mentor telling me the exact same thing.
How long have you gone without the physical interaction?
Its been about 5 weeks.
Quote:
Why can't the wife allow you to give her that attention?
Well she had it being met by Mr. Facebook, and they were always talking about when they'd eventually meet. But honestly, she just doesn't WANT to do anything physical. She says "When I hug you I feel only like I am hugging a friend"
Its been 5 months for me. 5 weeks since physical penetration... Hmm. At least you are somewhere in her mind. Will she let you take her out on a date? If you can do this, you can get her drinking or something. If you can get to the physical act you can spend a lot of time with her and push you to the forefront of her memories.
She is obviously looking at all this like she is a single lady.
I'm starting to believe that some of these situations become a "win the girl", scenario.
QS, you sound like a planner... In THIS case, its not a good thing.. you need to sit back to wait to see what happens...
This is the "in the oven" part where you watch what you put together bake...
You need to just let the exposure run its course (keep pushing it by keeping in contact with friends and family.. some will even ask outright what's going on...). Your wife has a lot to absorb
1. Financial hardship 2. Abandonment by her OM 3. A spouse that does NOT want to divorce her cheating ass (WTF?) 4. Legal costs and uncertainty 5. Living arrangements
Your wife needs time to process these impacts.. its been what two days of exposure here?
It takes WEEKs for that to sink in... Right now she's half baked in bio chem madness from her last session as puppy pointed out... She's still jacked up and full of confidence...
You keep exposin and show a STRONG FRONT.. and lets hope to god you are a good poker player... do NOT show ANY sign of weakness... show
Your wife will exploit all of that crap... this is a poker game.. once she realizes you aren't folding and her hand ain't as good as she thinks it is, she will very likley back down...
The reality takes weeks to sink in.. WEEKS, not days, WEEKS
This is assuming these OM steer clear of her... which is assuming a LOT of someone who was just days ago planning on mounting your wife behind your back...
Sorry, but I don't trust these creeps promises to stay away, they often don't (big surprise) live up to their promises... They are just a bunch of overgrown high school sleazeballs on the make...
So i just go along with starting the filing process and separate checking accounts? I go along with a path towards ending the marriage?
She is planning to be away from home quite alot for work because she says she can't stand to be home. She is planning to visit college friends to "get away" and reconnect, again because she can't stand being at home with me.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Nope, find a family therapist and start going to set a good example.
You act the way you want HER to act
1. Go to family therapy 2. Stay close to home and any children you have (you don't have a signature so I dont' remember) 3. Keep in close touch with friends and family 4. Pay your bills, keep the lawn mowed, be a responsible adult
Do what you can to make the home more inviting. If there's something that needs fixed in the home, fix it. You may find jogging or something helpful right now, many LBS' take up jogging.
Keep tabs on her, keep the INTEL running as well as you can... Get a GPS device and put it in her car if you can.. Pupper did this and it helped tremendously...
You have a rebellious teenager on your hands right now and you will have to handle her as such.. this means showing her what an adult looks like while doing everything you can to keep her from harming you, herself, and your family
I am a little confused. I one of my other threads, someone advised me during the exposure to say that I agreed this wasn't working out and we SHOULD get a divorce.
She has a specific data next week to file and sign the papers. She is VERY level headed and calm about it. SHE WANTS OUT OUT OUT. She wants to get this over with ASAP. She is very proactive when it comes to getting things done. She has talked to 4 lawyers, and honestly wants this done.
After the exposure last night she said "Well can we file SOONER"? and "Why don't we file TOMORROW?" In my state there is only a 90 day waiting period after the filing. She wants this over by September, and seems like she will stop at nothing to get it.
So I am not supposed to go along with the filing process then? I thought I wasn't supposed to indicate I wanted to save the marriage?
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
