OK, your call on exposure, but you only have to show up for five mins and embarass her.. then you are out the door..
Your husband has to dig up feelings of justification.. he feels :
1. Guilty 2. Scared 3. Frustrated 4. Confused
And likely a variety of other emotions right now...
When the affair comes out of the closet a spouse has three choices :
1. Be magnanimous and end the affair, return to the home, and rebuild the marriage 2. Deny the affair amidst the most condemning evidence you can imagine (living in la-la land) 3. Admit the affair, but add that he is "done" and its "OK cause the marriage is over"
In all three of these cases the goal is clear : Grasp desperately for an ounce of respectability
I have yet to hear of an affair where a spouse said
a. Yes, I am having an affair b. Yes, I am a complete jerk and and should stop
Remorse is rarely forthcoming early on... That's a process that has to be worked through to arrive there.. He's not there yet.. He hasn't even taken any ownership of any damage yet.. He's still addicted and in fantasy land.
You have a three year old daughter, the emphasis on the damage affairs and divorce do to children should not be understated here... You want to emphasize his choice is
a. Choose his FAMILY b. Destroy his FAMILY
Do everything you can to avoid making this look like a choice between YOU and OW... That's a VERY COMMON way that LBS' present the situation and it does them very little good if any at all...
The sense of entitlement is his own pride at play here... He can't admit he's in the wrong at all.. His' ego's too sensitive to process that... So he just SAYS these things to maintain what he believes is a reparable public image.
Unless your circle of family and friends are complete jeuvenilles the only way he can earn his respectability back is to end the affair and repair the marriage...
When affair's start a WS has three roads to choose :
a. Continue the affair/Open marriage - in secret if possible b. Pursue divorce and roll the dice with OW c. End the affair and repair the marriage
Your H hasn't done b or c.. He may have brought UP b but he hasn't done it has he?
In MOST cases the addict will CLING to a like a magnet and avoid both b and c
Most WS' KNOW they are doing damage and know they are not helping their kids and don't like b... But their addiction makes c uninviting as hell as well...
If you
1. expose heavily enough 2. maintain you want to save your marriage and invite him to family therapy
He can't keep a for very long... to repair his image he either has to divorce or end the affair
Keep exposing the affair, make it NO FUN for him... If you don't want to go to OW's class, write up a paper, make 100 copies and pin them all around the university...
You want to RUIN the excitement, the romance, and the inviting nature of the affair
If every time he escapes to OW she has a BLAST waiting for him about some horrible thing you have done to expose HER further he will NOT want to talk to her.. he will AVOID her and this makes the affair a turn off...
THe more UNPLEASANT you make things for HER, HE won't want to be NEAR her and they will just fight all the time... while you wait at home inviting him to return to family therapy...
Your H is going to string you along with a as long as he can get away with it. You make (a) an uninviting ball of stress he will RUN from it just like a WS from a marriage.
If he REALLY WANTS to stay in teh family home with you, then STAY there.. OW will NOT LIKE that... she does NOT WANT YOU anywhere NEAR HIM... So, you live there and post every nice thing you can about your time together... don't lie, but do everything you can to stir trouble up over there in fantasy land.
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You want to know how to get him to stop justifying that what he's doing is OK?
EXPOSE IT.. TALK ABOUT IT... make sure EVERYONE knows YOU are NOT OK with it and that he's HURTING his DAUGHTER...
Present the affair as an ATTACK on your HOME and that OW is VIOLATING A MARRIAGE...
This is about marketing... its NOT about convincing HIM...
He does feel guilty, but he just has to rewrite marital history with you as the villain to build up some anger... and he isn't going to FEEL the GUILT when he's ANGRY about his marriage (even if its an imaginary marriage in his head he's giong to be angry about it)
You present the affair publically as
a. A horrible violation b. you want to protect your daughter c. You want to save your marriage and he is invited to family therapy
He will present it publically as
a. He's done b. Marriage was a mistake c. He's "in love" and moved on
MOST ADULTS will support the FIRST story rather than the second... MOST ADULTS are hopefully the ones you have surrounded yourself with.
He can't keep up his game plan long term if you keep up the exposure of this whole thing as OW raping your home and marriage... She will become the "town slut" and won't want that... HOPEFULLY your friends and family are adult enough to tell OM they won't accept OW in their homes.. EVER and that he should stop hurting his daughter and end the nonsense.
This isn't about you and your husband, marriage is the unit of community... You get married within a community, they should all be turned to when things are at their worst for support and encouragement
if OW is as crazy as she sounds this is going to be easy.. she very likley wants to protect her reputation.. So.. RUIN IT
