He hit bottom and hard, sobbing, saying he was going to C. He didnt move back for a long while after starting C but he came over alot. He needed to figure this out on his own. I was here for him and that is all I could do for him.
Yes there were times I wanted to quit after he came home. It was tough but we talked and talked about everything. Believe me it still comes into the back of my brain every once and a while and still hurts. It will probably be there till the day I die. It is alot less than it used to be though!
They tend to wear the "Happy mask" to everyone because they want everyone to think they were right doing what they did. I am so glad alot of people saw right through it!
It takes as ling as it takes. It is a very hard thing to have to endure. I hated it just as all of you do. It really is worth it in the end.
Yellowrose, I have been reading your posts and I have been very hopeless to say the least about my situation, but it gives me a gleam of hope when I read stories of restored M's. My H left on Xmas Eve, was called to duty on April 30th and is getting on a plane overseas on June 11th. He says he is never coming back to me and that I should make new friends. Says it was a mistake to get married and that he needs to find a life for himself. He had (or still does) an OW.
I am so very hopeless and his attitude is almost venomous at times like the last 11 years never mattered. He is so distant, spending every waking moment before he goes overseas with folks I consider to be acquaintenences not even friends when I have always been in his corner supporting him. He even says he is no longer a kind hearted person. Weird!! Any advice? I am really sorry to ask.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Is your H in the military? Mine is retired Army and I know how stressful those deployments can be.
Anyway, what you are discribing sure sounds like MLC. My H was very hateful and mean at times and to this day doesnt remember being like that.
In a way maybe it is good that he is going overseas, this will give you space and time. He will miss what he has a home. The best thing for you to do is care for yourself right now. Its going to be a long hard road both with deployment and MLC. Get out and keep yourself busy. Take care
Thanks Yellowrose - He is a reservist who has been called to duty. Yes, I think it is stressful for him. He is just not the man I married. He is SO different and has built up this wall. Again, thank you and I will take care of myself.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Thanks for your responses YR. When your h came back, I think I remember he came and went a few times before coming home for good is that correct? If so, how did you handle that back and forth? What did you say or do with your h during this time?
How did you begin the steps to piecing? Did you have resentment and anger still and if so, how did you overcome that?
Did your h ever come forward with total honesty and answers? Did that matter to you?
Just asking!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Yes he did come home and leave a few times. At first I was really upset with him. As time went on he kept telling it was about him and not me. He had to fix himself first before coming home. I told him that I didnt want him home until he was really ready to commit fully to me. This is when he was staying at the barracks at the prison where he worked. Now that I look back, I think it was the best thing for him to do. He needed that extra time to get through the rest of MLC.
The steps in piecing began before he came home. He would call me all the time and we would talk like we were dating again. He would come over alot and we would go and do things together.
We both talked alot about what we went through. It was hard for me to hear alot of the things he told me. Yes, I wanted to know.
As far as the resentment, I had it in the beginning and for a while after that. He kept reassuring me that he was done with that part of his life and we, together moved forward.
Like I said before it will pop back into my head every once and a while but not as much as before. Its kind of fading but I guess it will always be there....
YR Thanks again for your support. Your posts are very beneficial to everyone.
You were so right. My H has popped out again from the tunnel this week. We spent an hour chatting yesterday. He asked questions about my life this time, about my job. What we have been up to recently. He did seem interested and I did see eye contact. He gave me an insight into where he is. He is still in replay I know this, although he never mentioned OW and neither did I. He did however say he should have been out that night but had got out of it. There are signs of depression. He is very unhappy at work and talked about this. I validated how he felt but just let him talk. I know there is still a long way to go yet but this is a step forward.
H4C, I think you ahve done completely the right thing - by listening to him, hoever painful it is, you are learning about him, who he is currently and where he is at.
the only caveat I would add is that you need to accept it for what it was - a single moment in time and that may not resurface again for a while. He may slip back into his tunnel to assess where he's at and time is on a different time space continuum for MLCers.
Keep your pexpectation meter to zero and keep on building a life for you and be the best version of you imaginable (for you and noone else).
lalxx
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
