WAH and LBW separated and dark

[Coach]

and yes, i did the cupcake thing. he was home but did not answer the door.

Next time you have a plan for all contingencies. Confidence comes from being prepared. We can help you with options.

This is his loss no skin off your back. Share the cupcakes.

Whatcha workin on?

[DumpedforMIL]

This is his loss no skin off your back. Share the cupcakes.

they weren't super good but they were okay. i used skim milk instead of 2% milk so they came out a bit denser and less moist. i think the fat in the milk would have made it better. next time.

This is his loss no skin off your back.

my reaction is getting a bit better. but i still fall back to the 'same thing' as before.

Whatcha workin on?

my squash game.
i discovered that being with my squash friends, i smile more. meet new people. try to draw out the real me.
it's what makes me forget about everything. i have fun and i love working on my game. i have a long way to go to get better. hitting the ball hard also allows me to release the tension in my body.
with yoga, there is less interaction so i spend a lot of time thinking about my sitch. that's why it doesn't help.

i have to figure out what works for me. squash is it.

[Forrest Gump]

"i'll try but it's a bit more difficult to because i'm in a new office now and it's not as convenient as before."

By saying I want you to be more active.. does not mean I want you to post more.

We have talked about everything that can or could go wrong in your stitch.

With no forward movement at all. I want you to take an active role in your life. Maybe not posting here as much will be a good thing for you.

I am a firm believer in that DB.com very closely resembles Real Life. As people post and talk you get a reasonable idea of what they are like and how they react. This happens because people usually have a lot of "Emotion" about their situation and are fairly giving with what they will tell you here. So.. I say all that because Coach, Laura, and I.. have a pretty good idea of who you are and what you are capable of. I know that Coach and I have been where you are.. I suspect that Laura has too.(I have not read her story that I can recall) The 3 of us know exactly what you are feeling.. and most likely exactly how you are reacting. Just from experience. We don't need to know the "entire" story. The core values of DB are just that.. They don't change.. they are written in "stone". We have used these values and applied them to our "stitches" with subtle differences. All I ask is that you listen and apply the thoughts to your stitch.

You don't need to understand everything either. If you put half as much energy into doing the things we suggest.. as you put into your post's back to us.. something will change. At the very least what you are doing now.. is doing nothing for you or your marriage. So.. DB tells us to stop doing what does not work.

Lets get you settled and prepared.

So.. Priority #1

GAL.

Change your daily habits. Wake up with a purpose. Do 1 thing every day for a week you have never done before. Go to a different grocery store.. walk in the park.. ride a bike.. roll down a grassy knoll. Simple ideas.. they don't have to be crazy or elaborate. If you can't sleep.. go see the doc. Sleeping.. eating.. showering.. are important.

#2.. Step back from your friends some. Or go with them but do not talk about this stuff. You can come here and vent.. we have no "emotional" tie to you.. so you will likely find solid advice.

#3.. I still want you thinking about a statement. While you are getting your head straight you have some time to work on this.

#4.. For the next 2 weeks.. avoid your H. If you go somewhere and he is there leave. If you think he will be somewhere don't go. If you get caught where you run into him and can't get away. Stand up straight and smile. You don't have to say anything.

Last but not least.. from here on out.. you post about you.. and what is going on in your life. We are not talking about you H.. or what his issues are. We are not talking about the MIL.. FIL..

Nothing but you.

Give this 30 days.. if it is doing nothing for you.. we can go back to doing what we have been doing.

Fair enough?

Now..

[Coach]

they weren't super good but they were okay. i used skim milk instead of 2% milk so they came out a bit denser and less moist. i think the fat in the milk would have made it better. next time.

What flavor? Frosting?

180 - use whole milk, good for you right now too.

my reaction is getting a bit better. but i still fall back to the 'same thing' as before.

Know the triggers and your usual response. 180 that response. Be aware, use your thoughts to overide the automatic emotions. Be zen, be Spock , be detached, be aware.

i have to figure out what works for me. squash is it.

being active is good. get all your senses involved when you play - keeps you focused. try playing with your opposite hand for fun

figuring it out for yourself. when the student is ready the teacher will appear. sounds like you have done some work.


Cheers

[DumpedforMIL]

figuring it out for yourself. when the student is ready the teacher will appear. sounds like you have done some work.

why do you think i disappeared for a few days?
there comes a time when you no longer want to sit in the corner.
what really woke me up was the night i looked at my arms and saw how thin they were. it wasn't good.

180 - use whole milk, good for you right now too.

eww. seriously? i haven't had whole milk since i was 3 yrs old!

Know the triggers and your usual response. 180 that response. Be aware, use your thoughts to overide the automatic emotions. Be zen, be Spock , be detached, be aware.

i didn't react when he didn't answer the door.
but when i saw him at squash, i went about my business as if he didn't exist. this is what i need to stop doing. this would be the 'same as before'.
but i chatted lively with my friends though. big smile .. laughed.

being active is good. get all your senses involved when you play - keeps you focused. try playing with your opposite hand for fun

this is why yoga didn't work for me but squash did. it was social yet it kept me focused on something else. even if i don't have my m, i will always play squash.

[Coach]

what really woke me up was the night i looked at my arms and saw how thin they were. it wasn't good.

that's a form of detaching you looked at things from the outside - different perspective. You can "see" things differently when you detach. You are no longer reacting with emotions. You got some feedback, came up with a plan and took action.

but when i saw him at squash, i went about my business as if he didn't exist. this is what i need to stop doing. this would be the 'same as before'.
but i chatted lively with my friends though. big smile .. laughed.

bring some cupcakes to share after squash.


You sound better. Let us know how we can help you.

[DumpedforMIL]

don't know why i still resort back to this username but it's just easier, i guess.

i had a discussion with forrest. i needed to learn something from his perspective. it was something that weighed on my mind for a while and wondered whether it was going to make my journey a lot tougher than it already is.

i could not discuss it here because this is still a public forum. and i apologize if you feel left in the dark.

it doesn't change things that much.

i gave my word that i would try to do the work and see if anything happens.

joining the elite squash league was money well spent. i play often and so far, it has kept my mind focused on the game and getting better.
there is zero talk about my m when i'm at squash.
i'm sure my friends know and prefer to keep the mood upbeat when we get together.
last night, someone even asked me if i was a student.
she said i looked like i was 23.
not bad for someone who's in her late 30s, huh?
could be that i updated my squash clothing and now i'm playing in skirts, rather than dumpy shorts.

shared my cupcakes with co-workers.
they were very appreciative.

the only thing i'm worried about is .. if this does nothing for me after 30 days, what do we go back to doing?
throwing temper tantrums again?
do we figure out a plan on how to go for the jugular?

i suppose we will cross that bridge when we get there.

dumped.

[Forrest Gump]

"the only thing i'm worried about is .. if this does nothing for me after 30 days, what do we go back to doing?
throwing temper tantrums again?"

If you can get your mind out of this for 30 days.. heck.. even half that.. I suspect we won't have to worry about temper tantrums.

"do we figure out a plan on how to go for the jugular?"

This could be an option.

"i suppose we will cross that bridge when we get there."

Yep.

So.. what are you going to do today.. that is different?

What was the purpose you woke up for this morning?

Squash seems like a good thing.. nice to see you talking about it.

Again.. things don't have to be grand. Look around you at people. See if you can spot someone in need of a hug.. or just a smile. I know.. it seems trivial.. or silly.. but just try it.

[DumpedforMIL]

So.. what are you going to do today.. that is different?

i brought my cupcakes in to share with my co-workers.
they liked them.

What was the purpose you woke up for this morning?

gotta make $$. even though i manage to get through the first six months without doing much damage to my professional reputation, i feel like i owe it to my employer to do better.
plus, i got called in to see a manager today.
i thought i was "in trouble" or my work performance was being questioned but it was the opposite.
i'm being asked to help out on another project that is currently behind. whew.

Squash seems like a good thing.. nice to see you talking about it.

it is for me. however, my big toe is really sore (purple toe nail :(). i may have to take a night off or something. i don't know.

Again.. things don't have to be grand. Look around you at people. See if you can spot someone in need of a hug.. or just a smile. I know.. it seems trivial.. or silly.. but just try it.

squash gives me plenty of opportunities to do this.
people have been very warm and friendly.

i still feel a bit of anxiety.
like i'm running out of time and my anger is still overwhelming.
it's best not to talk about it with anybody. that's what triggers it.
it's like re-living the whole thing over and over again.
shut up. and focus on squash.

[Forrest Gump]

"i brought my cupcakes in to share with my co-workers.
they liked them."

So.. even though you failed.. you still won?

Truth be told I was hoping that you did not bake them and go knocking on his door.

"gotta make $$. even though i manage to get through the first six months without doing much damage to my professional reputation, i feel like i owe it to my employer to do better."

Part of this is preparing for what comes down the road. I don't want you to be a broke squash player. I kinda think that squash is an expensive sport. We don't want to loose the one thing that seems to be filling the void. Work is important. I am glad they still think you are worth it.

"it is for me. however, my big toe is really sore (purple toe nail :(). i may have to take a night off or something. i don't know."

So.. your "hands" hurt?

Do you have the look of pain yet?

"squash gives me plenty of opportunities to do this.
people have been very warm and friendly."

I want you seeking out people that are not warm and friendly. It is easy when you are in a "social" setting. I want you interacting with "everyday" people. I want you to do something.. just because you can. I want to show you the difference in your "actions" and your "emotion's".

When you wake up today.. what can you do that is simple.. that will change another person's day?

When you do "whatever".. that person will go to work.. or to their friends.. and say.. guess what happened to me today. They will talk about you.. without ever even knowing your name.

"i still feel a bit of anxiety"

I know. It is hard. I don't expect you to be perfect.

"like i'm running out of time and my anger is still overwhelming."

You are not running out of time. The anger will fade with time. Or it will become overwhelming. Not on the scale you are using now. Anger.. sometimes brings you to a flat place. It still has to "feed" to keep you at the current level. Think caffeine. If you drink the same amount every day.. it keeps you at a normal level. If you drink too much.. it makes you act crazy! If you start drinking water your body goes.. WTF!!.. and encourages you to drink something with caffeine. Time is not a concern here. Your anger is.

"it's best not to talk about it with anybody. that's what triggers it."

I know. That is why I posted the rules.

"shut up. and focus on squash."

The word to define is... "squash".

It can have many meanings.

Keep it up.. even if it is fake.. I like where we are going.

Good Morning.