Just Confronted - A Litttle Confused

[MrBond]

DLS,

You don't cheat on your spouse just to get them to "snap out of it". It's not fair to everyone involved.

If you're going to date someone else, it's because you've gotten over your S or you do it for YOUR own gratification. You don't do it to control them to act a certain way.

When you cheat on someone regardless of the circumstance, it's a purely selfish thing to do. Selfish meaning that it is only for you and not for anyone else. And in doing so, you also accept the consequences of your actions.

[DaddyLongShanks]

I know its "bad" advice. But it may be a MOAB to help snap a WAS out of a LTR with OW/OM. In some of our marriages the bad behaviors and lack of concern have gone on long enough that the relationship is literally dead or even a "black hole" for the LBS.

Also I don't care about being fair to OM or WAW.

[Quicksilver264]

If you're going to date someone else, it's because you've gotten over your S or you do it for YOUR own gratification.

Ive read a few places that WAS do have affairs as a means to end the marriage. Whether or not the affair works out, they know it is one of the easiest ways to end the marriage.

I'm hoping that since she has no one to run to now, that she is going to start reconsidering. She is VERY stubborn and would cut off her nose to spite her face.

Playing poker with her this way, one of my guesses is that would would go ALL IN and call in the first hand or 2.

[MrBond]

"Also I don't care about being fair to OM or WAW."

I'm referring to the person with whom you are cheating with. And actually if you read some of the WASs posts on the boards, alot of them felt extremely guilty. So they felt it wasn't fair to themselves as well.

So say you cheat on your W with someone else. That person gets pregnant or starts to fall in love with you. What are you going to do? Blow them off and tell them oh I only used you to get back at my W.

If you're going to do it. Do it with the acknowledgment that it is for your own needs

[DaddyLongShanks]

MrBond,

If your going to do bad, you may as well do it to satisfy your needs, not in a spiteful-revengeful fashion. Sounds good.

[Quicksilver264]

Well she called me today, and she went to the bank and took her name off the joint checking, so that is going to be my personal account.

She's got her own account now too. Our finances are separate

She also spoke to some more lawyers, and she wants to talk about filing. And when she was talking to me, she was so carefree, almost like she is excited and giddy about going through this. She really seems to REALLY want this.

Or is this part of the poker game, and she doesn't know ANYTHING about the hand I have dealt her. i.e. she still thinks her other men are going to be there while she goes through this. Plus she's got other friends to lean on who are telling her to "be strong and see this through".

Is it possible that she left the marriage a while ago, and didn't tell me because she didn't want to hurt me? And the affairs just happened because she was already done with it?

Or is she backwards rationalizing about all this? Like she felt unhappy, started the affairs, and they made her want to file and divorce.

She has said she's wanted a divorce for a while, but did not want to hurt me. I'm really hoping this is part of a script, and she just doesn't realize yet that EVERYONE knows and the other guys are completely done with her.

I'm starting to get nervous, upset, and worried that exposing the affairs didn't really make a difference, and she was going to do this no matter what; exposed, with or without someone to run to.

[DaddyLongShanks]

You've taken a beating. Whats the big deal about being single for her? All that "glitter" won't be glitter anymore when she's single like the others, and she'll just be sharing people who are sharing people with the other people.

Give her the divorce while delaying it as long as you can. In your position your supposed to find a way to enjoy yourself.

In my position I've accepted that I'm a "bachelor", it was not my choice, but thats what I am and I need to ensure that my needs are met. If the wife can talk herself out of a divorce, then I will not deny it. Other than that I don't expect anything to change for the better with her.

Why was it so important for her to get a divorce with you?

[MrBond]

That's why it doesn't matter if you know what the "script" is. You can't anticipate things in a definite way.

Right now she's wearing the pants and driving the train. What can you do so that you are back in the driver's seat?

[Quicksilver264]

She doesn't "love" me anymore as a husband. She says I haven't fulfilled her needs as a partner for a while. I will agree with that TO A POINT, but not as bad as she says.

She doesn't ever see having those feelings for me again, but she wants me to "remain in her life" and be "friends" with her.

She basically fell out of love with me. I totally understand where I could have done better, and I have identified what she saw in those other guys: they gave her constant attention and made her feel very sensual.

Now, she WONT let me even try to do that. She wants to be "happy" even if that "means being on her own".

All the while sex chatting with guys and making plans to go see one of them, and telling him that when she found out he was single again she wanted to date him.

[Quicksilver264]

That's why it doesn't matter if you know what the "script" is. You can't anticipate things in a definite way.

Right now she's wearing the pants and driving the train. What can you do so that you are back in the driver's seat?

I thought exposing the affairs and confronting the other guys would shake things up so she does not feel like she has all that "security" when the divorce is final. Like it might cause her to reconsider when she figures out Mr. Facebook won't be telling her how great she is for 4 more months.

Like I said she is VERY stubborn, and I am not sure exactly how to proceed. I am definitely a little nervous and panicked.