Robx, since yours was the last post I'll answer here.
NO , NEVER ANY AFFAIRS of ANY kind on my part, not cyber, not EA , not PA , NOTHING !!! The only thing even remotely close was WAY back in 1997. I went on an annual trip with the guys to Myrtle Beach. We had a party in our condo and someone snapped a pic of me sitting on the couch with a girl, NOTHING amorous about it. Wife found the pic like a year or more later and blew it up into " proof " of my having cheated, but it was discussed and resolved in short order and she's never mentioned it again.
She's already said she DOESNT " hate me " to use your words.
She DOES hate the fact that I filed for custody of the kids, knowing that she had lost custody of her first two and that I knew that would send her over the edge so to speak. That and my boneheaded, bungling, making a joke about getting married "proposal" that she took and swears was my real proposal to her are the to biggest issues for her right now. Plus feeling like I didnt "put her first" while she did that for me.
I've NEVER claimed to be an innocent victim in all of this, she DEFINITELY has several valid points to be upset with me about. She also has her own issue's she has brought to the table, and she admitted as much.
The bungled non proposal proposal was the breaking point for her. After waiting and hoping for nearly 14 years for me to say it and say it the " right way " She says that is what broke her heart
I think you're glossing over the fact that your W has some pretty big issues. I mean, I seriously doubt that she is holding a grudge about your non-proposal when she's, in fact, still M.
Was any of that addressed? Have you ever just straight up asked her why she hasn't D her H? I mean as it stands, she might still be seeing you as the OM.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think you're glossing over the fact that your W has some pretty big issues. I mean, I seriously doubt that she is holding a grudge about your non-proposal when she's, in fact, still M.
Was any of that addressed? Have you ever just straight up asked her why she hasn't D her H? I mean as it stands, she might still be seeing you as the OM.
You took the words out of my mouth!
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
Oh no, I've said more then once that she has and has acknowledged having her own serious issues. Almost ALL of them related to not trusting men. Her father walked when she was a small child, a male relative molested her as a child, her first relationship was abusive, etc.
Im telling you guys, this is NOT your normal, run of the mill sitch, Im sure I'll get some snarky comments about that, like I did in my original thread, but so be it. I may need help with figuring out how to do 180's and such and figuring out some other things about whats happened, but I have LIVED with her for almost 14 years and they had NO contact what so ever for almost that entire time.
I am NOT the OM in her mind, 110 % CERTAIN about that, end of story. The fact is there were alot of things over the years that I could have and should have been doing differently and it finally caught up to me. I have NO doubt even if the only things that had been different would have been me giving her what she needed and asked for, we would NOT be where we are right now, regardless of whether we were married or not.
Either some forget or didnt read the threads, but we went through something similar but not nearly as bad in 2007. She DIDNT run to her EX , she went to someone else, and it was over in very short order. This is the same thing this time around, it just happens to be her EX.
The fact that she moved in with him stings to be sure. But it is a FACT that she literally had NO WHERE else to go. She has no family nearby with room and she doesnt make anywhere near enough to support herself.
I dont give a damn about what she did or might do, if we fix this in the long run. She also admitted yesterday that they only have a short 2 year history that was bad, while we have a 14 year history that was mostly all good.
I really appreciate what everyone is trying to say, but I also have a trained counselor, working with us, thats actually known us personally during good times, thats listening and observing body language and translating and such and Im going to value what her read is on the situation. Since she is actually present to see body language, hear inflection, tone of voice , see facial expressions etc.
And so far everything Im getting is that this CAN be saved, but it will take ALOT of hard work and time to heal.
That's all fine and good but you still didn't answer the question.
"Have you ever just straight up asked her why she hasn't D her H?"
This seems to be the part that you always seem to gloss over.
"I am NOT the OM in her mind, 110 % CERTAIN about that, end of story.
Okay. So why didn't she D her H? Also, if you are that strong in believing this, why did you mention in your earlier posts that she was planning to take primary custody of your kids so that she could have a nice happy family with her H?
I think you need to reread some of your posts. That's why it sounds like you are either contradicting yourself or trying to convince yourself of something. That's just the way I read it. IMHO.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think you're glossing over the fact that your W has some pretty big issues. I mean, I seriously doubt that she is holding a grudge about your non-proposal when she's, in fact, still M.
Was any of that addressed? Have you ever just straight up asked her why she hasn't D her H? I mean as it stands, she might still be seeing you as the OM.
I hear what your saying Mr Bond, and on the surface it would seem to make sense. But who would actually know better other then her ?? ME ! I KNOW what that did to her, it just happened 6 weeks ago and was the catalyst for the separation, her feeling like I had " commitment issues" when its very true I had plenty of chances and money to do it over the years.
Your assuming she felt or cared that she was still " married " Im telling you it was between two KIDS , as a shotgun wedding and meant next to NOTHING to her, it was a marriage of convenience and an ultimatum from the parents because she got pregnant. I KNOW I've mentioned that at least once before. She left less then a year into it. She DOES NOT view him as her husband , he is her EX ( her words)
I did ask her the other day why she never divorced him. The answer was , " because you never asked me to marry you " and Im guessing the analysts will say there's some kind of hidden meaning in that answer. But for the most part I know how she thinks. That answer didnt mean that she felt she always had the safety net of him to fall back on, they had NO contact for 12 years !!!! When we were in a similar sitch in 2007, she DIDNT run to him to fulfill her emotional needs.
And I have to admit, when we were first dating. She told me one night she was going out of State for awhile to deal with some of her "issue's", a " retreat of sort to get away and sort things out. Since at that time I was a horny 21 yr old I tried like hell to make a move and got shot down cold. We didnt have sex for almost a year or more after we had first met and a month or more after we first moved in together. Hell , she wouldnt say " I love you " to me till almost a year into the relationship.
Im telling you guys, you simply cant analyze this with the cookie cutter approach. Yes alot of the things may fit the patterns, but not all of them ever will.
