Apparently the fact that I'm funny - sensitive - fiery - smart etc. DOES NOT COME ACROSS IN PRINT
None of that matters - I'm just in a funk.
I know that there are those of you - maybe most - whose sitch is FAR FAR FAR worse than mine but for me this feels horrendous. I know that ultimately I will have to give my H an ultimatum because he will never ever come around. I know that for some of you that just seems like pessimism but I know my H. He's doing nothing in the service of personal growth and as my IC says - he's conflict avoidant. He could probably do on like this forever. I on the other hand - can't not name the elephant in the room. Naming the elephant in the room is just part of the fabric of my being. The question is when to give the ultimatum and how exactly to phrase it.
In the meantime - I feel like crap and am walking around on egg shells everyday it seems - just worried that I'll say or do the wrong thing. The type of thing that will reinforce his negative views of me. I'm just hanging on by a thread here. I just don't think I can continue like this much longer. For those of you who have done it for 8, 10, 12 months - my hats off to you. I'm just not able or willing to do that. Maybe DB is just not something that's going to work for me. Maybe if I had Michelle as my therapist it would be fine but I don't and I don't have 10k to get her. I did hire a DB coach and while I think it's somewhat helpful, all in all it hasn't gotten me very far.
Just need to get my thoughts out and no real outlet to do that.
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
