So so day today. Found out yesterday that the WAW "claims" when she was coming over on Tuesday two weeks ago(the day I went to file for custody that morning) that she was coming to tell me that we could work things out and had scheduled a marriage counselor meeting for that night. That is until she went ballistic when she figured out I was at the courthouse of course.
I didnt get to it today, but Im going to ask her and verify who she set this up with, as means of backchecking her honesty. It SOUNDS sincere, but given the way our conversation went the night before everything happend I dont know. I will feel like the BIGGEST jackass in the world if it turns out to be true and I somehow yet again managed to shoot myself in the foot.
That not to say things are over even still, but my filing DEFINITELY was a GIGANTIC step backwards. Our counselor neighbor had another marathon session today with both of us, covered ALOT of ground and hammered out a custody arrangement WITHOUT the involvement of the Courts.
The WAW is still SEETHING with resentment and anger towards me, still bringing up things from YEARS ago. The counselor actually thinks this is a positive sign, that she's venting and willing to talk to me, even though its mostly her one sided blasting me.
Counselor says thats better then her sitting there and saying nothing or giving terse, one word answers. We're still clearly speaking different languages though.
She did also agree to commit to at least one session a month with both of us and the counselor, which I guess is better then nothing, even though I suggested 1 every other week.
She STILL doesnt want to be "around me " alone, it came up because our daughter has a last minute field trip for scouting this weekend and I've been trying to identify opportunities for us to spend time with the kids in a safe, non threatning, Non R related way, so we can start to enjoy each others company again. and the walls are WAY UP , she vocalized all of this. She clearly stated she's afraid to feel anything for me again, scared to death I'll hurt her again. She admitted she has an "addictive personality " and she feels the only way to not start feeling for me again immediately is to keep her distance.
She did say we could spend time with the kids on 4th of July, because other people will be around her. I guess I dont have a choice but to take whatever I can get for now.
My God this is going to be the LONGEST TIME of my life!!!!! Everytime I think I've gotten my head around it, something happens that makes the enormity of how long this will take seem all the more overwhelming and impossible. Especially since its Summer time, which is when we would normally be doing all kinds of stuff as a family.
Still getting certain signals and key words that its not really OVER, KAPUT, DONE. But DAMNIT I KNOW its going to be a monumental effort and require the patience of a saint and a level of perseverance, strength and faith Im not sure I have.
I know what I MUST DO to reach my goals, I just cant for the life of me figure out how I can hold on for as long as it seems likely to take. I guess my biggest hang up right now is waiting to see some sort of thawing towards me, some readily identifiable sign that things are working. Because she sure as hell isnt going to be able or willing to say it to me directly for who knows how long.
WAW and had another marathon session yesterday with the neighbor/counselor. WAW vented a surprising level of venom and anger towards me about things from LONG in the past. I checked back in private, because the counselor has observed more then once in our presence that its clear we care about each other deeply. She saw it as a positive sign that the WAW was willing to be there and talk and vocalize/vent all this stuff. Said she would have been more concerned if WAW had just sat there in silence or gave one word answers. WAW also confessed to the counselor something she needed to hear from me that would " be a big step in taking away her hurt" so I gave her what she needed, the best way I could, in a way she needed to hear it. She said she needed some time to process how she felt about this.
She mentioned that she cant be around me now, alone, even just doing stuff with the kids, because she has an "addictive personality" and she'll start having feelings for me again and she's to afraid I'll only wind up hurting her again. So the only answer in her mind is to be apart. Is that a subtle signal ? Her admitting she knows she'll start having feelings for me again, but she's still to scared to trust me with her heart ?
Isnt her being "alone" with the EX EXACTLY the same thing ? I even brought this up in a manner of speaking and she actually got a little mad, saying " you dont think I can resist that " ??
Does respecting her decision when she says no to something and not cajoling or trying to convince her show her Im changing ?
Where is the line between patient understanding and being a doormat ? I KNOW there are things she cant afford. Several well meaning friends have told me to cut off her cell, let her worry about getting her truck on the road , etc. And part of me agrees , SHE decided we HAD to separate, let her suffer the consequences of her actions. But the other part of me knows she will only see it as a negative, caused by ME.
Should I keep offering to do stuff with her and the kids, trying to create non threatening, safe , non R related opportunities for her to see my changes or will that just push her further away ? I dont want to never offer anything for concern that she'll feel Im still not putting her first.
I guess I already know the answer to this one but........... Should I wait for her to " make a move " or an obvious sign ? I dont want to NOT do something and she interprets it wrong. But if I ask flat out Im afraid it will just be more of her feeling exasperated and that Im really not in tune with her. And a LARGE part of this is her thinking ( wrongly and unfairly IMHO) that I should be able to read her mind.
I did send her a " Good Morning " text this morning, something I NEVER did before, and she did acknowledge she received it, but didnt say thanks or anything else beyond saying she received it.
I KNOW I am playing on a VERY unlevel playing field, with a very unfair and unclear set of rules I dont understand, OM , etc.
Friday when she started to get upset , I took a chance and reached out and rubbed her shoulder a bit, just for reassurance, and she didnt flinch. Yesterday during a similar situation ( but she was more angry then sad, although she was crying) I went to do the same thing and she recoiled and said " Dont touch me !"
She has agreed to a once a month session with the counselor/neighbor which is essentially " couples counseling" , although I offered and would have been happier with one every other week.
Im gonna have the kids every other week during the summer, open visitation as much as I want, and then just open visitation and every other weekend plus shared holidays when the new school year starts. NOT what I wanted, but it was plainly obvious that if I went for full custody that was IT for us.
She's picking up the kids this Fri around 5pm. And is letting me pick the daughter up this Sunday AM for a last minute scouting related field trip to Sesame Place. So she was very agreeable about ME taking our daughter on the trip, even though the Girl Scout thing was something SHE did with her, and it meant cutting her weekend a day short.
