W and I had our first session with a neutral T today. We took the advice of our own therapists and sought out one who was unbiased.
Even though it was only our first time, there was no change in my W's attitude. She still talks about wanting as amicable split as possible, she wants us to remain friends, she wants me to remain as big a part of our children's lives as I want, and she wants us to be able to do things together. The way I heard that: I want all the good things a family affords, but I don't want to fix the one I have that is broken.
Our T said, "You two have different goals." Yes, because I said that I hold the family as something precious and something that needs to be saved at all costs. The W got a little defensive when I spoke about the traditional F. She said, "H has a very 'traditional' definition of the word family.'
I said, 'Everything outside of the trad family is a myth.' You are either a family or you're not. You are either in tact or you are not.' You don't tear a family apart and then try to claim you still have a family and expect the H, who will do anything to make it work, to simply accept the alternative.
I was surprised a bit that she didn't seem to offer even a crack of hope, saying the reason she agreed to see a new T was that it might help me eventually accept the way she feels. I am not buying it.
The W claimed we never had a real M because of our intimacy problems. She said she has always been the caregiver and that as long as I was happy, she was happy. She doesn't talk about her feelings, never really has. She expected things to just get better. When my self-esteem issues, our mutual inhibitions, and our lack of intimate communication took hold it created a wall between us that I want to tear down.
She then went on saying that she feels "stuck" in her life because I am not accepting how she feels and looking to S -- although she still has not forced the issue. She seems to be waiting for me to "get it."
I assume happiness and getting unstuck come when you break a family apart. I don't understand my W's unwillingness to work on things, while seemingly believing that she will actually be happier when our kids don't have a present father.
I really don't know what to think anymore. What do I do? We've been going through the motions at home but not working to make anything better between us. I have been the best H and F I can be and it's falling on deaf ears, it seems. Just when I start to think she may be warming I get the door slammed on me again and again.
Do I stay engaged and active with the kids and always present in case she needs me to do something? Or should I check out in a sense after the K are asleep? She asks me to do things around the house, she asks for help, she asks me to do things for the sake of the household, and I do it and more. I do things without being asked and I show her how much I care about things that she felt I never cared about. I ask for nothing from her (well, verbally) and I can't seem to make any headway.
The T asked if we would come see her again and we both agreed. As we were leaving my W said, "What did you think of her? Do you want to keep seeing her?" I said, "I am willing to give her another chance and see where things go." If all she wants is out, why does she care what I think of the T? Is my W only going so the Grim Reaper can be in the room to make sure I never get any sense of hope?
