I cannot tell you how many times in the past I MADE my W get out of bed (or wherever) to do something for me that I was very well capable of doing myself and my W was always hesitant to ask for to do much because she was unsure what OIN she would get.
OIN, you keep reverting to this as your default position for justifying your current interactions with your wife: "Yes, they may be unhealthy, but I did it to her in the past, so now I need to make up for that."
You have several different people, all coming from different backgrounds and perspectives, suggesting to you that your communication style between you and your wife is somewhat dysfunctional, and that your pleasing/supplicating/placating behaviors are detrimental to your current stage of DBing.
And you dismiss them.
Which of course, you are free to do, but don't expect to get different results if you're not willing to jettison your held belief of "I hurt her in the past, so now I need to respond to her requests or I will push her to someone else who will."
One thing about the bad behaviors is the longer they do them, the more ingrained they become in their interaction with you. So by "taking it" you may make it so you can never have a "good" interaction with this particular female. Just something to consider.
I really think you need to limit the amount of time you spend with your W. The two of you need more than computer games, tv, shopping and playing with the dog. I think you both would do much better if you found healthier ways to spend time together as it might create a new dynamic, you would get to see new sides of each other and it would break up the routine the two of you seem stuck in. It also might help create some immediate positive memories and feelings. If your W is not up for it then so be it.. do it for you!
Our interactions have expanded beyond the aforementioned activities. These are the only activities W will engage in with me right now. Should I no longer do those things with her and have no interaction at all? When I have things planned to do and W chooses not to join me I still do them.
Yes I admit there was a span of time where I felt like I deserved the bitterness or because of our past. I am starting to break those patterns as you seen I have posted in the past few days. I just can't where it is wrong to assist my W when she asks. She is not demanding she is asking. Sitch or no sitch I would do it.
I do agree that she does speak to me in an unacceptable way a good percentage of time and that is something I am working on diminishing. SO what to do?
Help me develop a habit breaking plan/responses.
W - uses sounds to communicate ME - Sorry I cannot understand you
W - Asks me or tells me I have an attitude when I don't ME - ?
I have to think of the other common responses or comment shse gives me so I have a prepared response that is constructive and gets a point across.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
The past is the past and the activities you used to do don't really matter right now. What matter is what you are doing NOW. If your W chooses not to do anything more than stay around the house and play computer games and watch tv that is fine but IMO you will be better off if you start doing more.
A change of scenery or something new will do wonders for you. You will gain a new perspective on your situation. And you will be in the company of other people that you don't have to cajole in to doing something outside of the house or errands. It will also give you some space from this very tedious situation and give you time to recharge and regroup. You need some space I think.
Since your W still lives at home then you will still have interaction and at this point I think it's far better to have fewer POSITIVE interactions than many not so positive ones. If your W doesn't want to join you then so be it. You have given her no chance to miss you. And you will be able to monitor the phone and computer.
When your W uses sounds to communicate be firm and say "W: when you use noises and facial expressions to communicate I cannot understand you. Please use words when communicating with me".
When your W tells you you have an attitude simply say "W: I am sorry you feel that way". Don't argue and don't defend yourself. If she tries to argue more then simply reiterate what you said and walk away cheerfully.
If your W talks to the dog through you tell her "W: Please do not communicate to me through the dog:
Lastly, I see no problem in telling your W when her behavior is disrespectful.
The point I think we are making is your W asks an awful lot for things to be done for her. When she doesn't need a task/favor done she isn't all that pleasant to you. Can you see why many of us feel your W treats you as a servant?
There are many routines and patterns that need to be broken and that won't happen overnight. IMO you need to start breaking them by behaving in a totally different way. You said your W does not handle her schedule well. Why not say something like.. "W, I know your work schedule is really hard on you. Would it be helpful to you if we set everything out you will need the night before so your pre-work routine is as smooth as possible?"
You have to teach your W how to create some healthy and less dependant patterns in her life.
I asked him to do this too, minimize the interactions while she is sorting through her issues and enjoy his life. Allow her to participate if she would like.
I know you consider it good manners whenever you say, "I'm sorry but....." Do you think you could change your habit of saying I'm sorry....to saying "Excuse me but...." Makes you sound much less of a doormat and so much stronger of a man.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
W returned home from work. She acted as if she was in a good mood but I am unsure what put her in it. She walked in the door immediately gave the dog her attention. I stood in the Kitchen with my back turned to her reading something. W started to tell dog "Go get your dad" I turned looked and smirked then turned back to what I was doing.
W went upstairs to change out of work cloths. I went up stairs to grab laptop. AS I was walking out the room W asked if I wanted to play pictionary (lol) so I did. We played for a bit. I know it sounds childish but we have a great time.
W then agreed to take a ride. We stopped a few places and had a little lunch. Then we returned back home. W was in the bathroom and I asked her a question but was unable to hear her. I asked her to repeat herself and she gave me an attitude and said "I'll be right out"
I walked into the bedroom and W said "I could not hear you and you were not able to hear me, I said" and she repeated herself.
W then asked if I wanted to play pictionary again and I said "No" W took offense to it and I said "I am not pleased with the way you just spoke with me" W tried to defend herself but in a calm tone. We spent a little time before I left for work talking about non-R things and I headed for work.
Before I left W asked if I needed anything else before I left because she was going to hop in the shower, I forgot an item upstairs so I ran up to get it. I walked out the room and said "bye, goodnight" to W and if I am not mistaken W said "goodnight" in return.
Overall today was a descent day. Good exchanges and far less noises as responses when she did I would say "I was did not understand what you are saying." W caught eyes quite a few times. Had good conversations. A time or two I initiated a touch to her hand or leg VERY BRIEFLY and it was not opposed.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
