Dazed and Confused...Need Advice!!!!

[SMM23]

Find a men's soccer team to play on. This should be at the top of your list. It will help you in so many ways. When did your wife find you attractive?

It is the first thing I ddi this spring. When I told her that I found a team to play for she was surprised. In the Fall I played but I tore a hamstring and said I was gonig to stop playing. So when I registered for a new team she was happily surprised. But she only went to one game and that was only becasue I really wanted S4 to see my game and even then it was only for 1/2 of the game.

Try this next time. Stop everything, focus on her, make eye contact, have open body language, speak calmly and listen carefully to her.

"I can feel that something is bothering you. How can I help you right now?"

I kind of did that. I am not a yeller. I RARELY raise my voice. But I said when she came in that she looked like something was bothering her does she want to talk. She said nothing is wrong. I asked one more time and she said NOTHING in an annoyed voice, so I just told her that I was willing to listen if she wanted to talk and let it drop. She hates when I prod and keep asking. Even times like this when I know darn well that something was up. S was whining and hanging on her and she hates that, so it could have been that, but she would have told me. I was on IM all day at work and so was she and I did not contact her, I usually ask how her day is or something. I wanted to see if she would contact me, I got my answer. It could have been that because she would not talk about that if it bothered her to me. I have been trying to be less acting like nothing is wrong and she may not know how to deal with that. For instance, I had been giving her a hug when she comes in after work. I stopped doing that because she stopped coming to me when she got home and I am not going to chase (Pursue) her around the house. I know she is confused, but I am tired of the freaking games she plays. I am REALLY tired of her short fuse and yelling at our 4 year old for hanging on her. HES 4!!! All 4 year olds do that and especially him who is so attached to his mother. So I am just being repelled by her behavior right now, which I guess makes things easier on me so whatever.

[Ready2Change]

I ask her what is wrong and if she wants to talk, but she just says nothnig is wrong. I know her and I know that looks she has, and somethign is wrong.

Classic DAM. That's how us guys talk to each other.

Try this next time. Stop everything, focus on her, make eye contact, have open body language, speak calmly and listen carefully to her.

"I can feel that something is bothering you. How can I help you right now?"

Being compassionate, listening, validating, and respecting her wishes will go a long way.

H(compassionate tone): "How are you?"
W: "fine" (listen to her TONE).
H(compassionate tone): "You (look/sound) (upset/sad/tired/irritated.....)

[sandi2]

Even times like this when I know darn well that something was up. S was whining and hanging on her and she hates that

It really is the words and tone of voice that you use when trying to figure out what's wrong with your W. Let me give you a little secret, most women hate for the H to say "what's wrong" b/c it is usually implied that she's not acting right and he's agitated over it. Coach had a wonderful example of a response.

Your little boy is probably tired, hungry, needing her undivided attention....or all three. If mama starts yelling at the baby then I think that is when daddy needs to step in and tell her that she needs to go to the other room to "regroup". She needs to either deal with S4 but yelling at him is not what should be done. Since things are so stressed between the two of you, it might just be best to go pick your son up into your arms and find something for him and you to do together. Then when things are calmer, you can approach her about the issue of yelling.

BTW, I don't know if you realize it or not but the whining child clinging to his mother is a perfect picture of how some LBH's act when they are scared their WAW is going to leave them. And guess what? Remember how you said your W "hates" for S4 to do that? That is exactly how W's feel whenever the H us whiney and clingy. (Just thought I'd throw that in...free of charge.)

You asked if there were any books that teaches men how to act sexy. If you type in different key words, I'll bet you could find material on line. Of course any time you do that, you can get all kind of "stuff"....so be decerning. You can also go on Amazon books and type in enough words so it can offer suggested books. Even if you didn't buy them, the library might have it.

Usually it is something as simple as the way you smile at her or the way you look at her. I think the sexiest thing on earth is a wink. I don't know why, but it just is. Whenever I doll up special and I walk into the room where my H is....and he give a long soft whistle (like he knows that he's helpless ....lol) that works pretty well too.

I have to go for now. I'll get back with you.

[SMM23]

I ask her what is wrong and if she wants to talk, but she just says nothnig is wrong. I know her and I know that looks she has, and somethign is wrong.

Classic DAM. That's how us guys talk to each other.

Try this next time. Stop everything, focus on her, make eye contact, have open body language, speak calmly and listen carefully to her.

"I can feel that something is bothering you. How can I help you right now?"

Being compassionate, listening, validating, and respecting her wishes will go a long way.

H(compassionate tone): "How are you?"
W: "fine" (listen to her TONE).
H(compassionate tone): "You (look/sound) (upset/sad/tired/irritated.....)

That makes a lot of sense. Thanks R2C and Coach. I will try this. I have tried more lately in trying to give her undivided attention for at leaast 20 minutes a night. Most nights she does not want to talk, but sometimes she does.

[SMM23]

It really is the words and tone of voice that you use when trying to figure out what's wrong with your W. Let me give you a little secret, most women hate for the H to say "what's wrong" b/c it is usually implied that she's not acting right and he's agitated over it. Coach had a wonderful example of a response.

Awesome insight guys. I will definitely change wording and hope this makes her a little more comfortable in discussing what is on her mind. I really do care. I told her the other day that I really enjoy seeing her smile because it lights up the room. I did not get a reaction, but I was not looking for one, that is truly how I feel. It is good to see her smiling again.

Since things are so stressed between the two of you, it might just be best to go pick your son up into your arms and find something for him and you to do together. Then when things are calmer, you can approach her about the issue of yelling.

I will do this. It will bring my BP down as well. I really would hate if S would end up resenting W for this later in life. W is going through a lot, as am I and S for that matter, and the stress needs to come down.

BTW, I don't know if you realize it or not but the whining child clinging to his mother is a perfect picture of how some LBH's act when they are scared their WAW is going to leave them. And guess what? Remember how you said your W "hates" for S4 to do that? That is exactly how W's feel whenever the H us whiney and clingy. (Just thought I'd throw that in...free of charge.)

I do not think I have done that in a while, I have really been keeping all of this inside since our separation. That also is how I ended up in the hospital last week though. I know this but I did not tell her. The doctor metioned it was stress when she was in the room. When he left, she asked,” you are not under a lot of stress are you?” (AND she was serious) I know I did a double take, but I told her a little from work. How could she NOT know that she and her sister and mother are the main cause of my stress? Ot to mention the anxiety attacks, but I have not told her about those other than the one I had while she was in the car which scared me enough to put me in the hospital for 3 days.

Usually it is something as simple as the way you smile at her or the way you look at her. I think the sexiest thing on earth is a wink. I don't know why, but it just is.

That is hilarious. I know a big one with W is winking also. But I have done it a few times recently and she just looked at me like, what the hell are you doing. Not the reaction I used to get. Made me really sad, because it used to make her giddy. But we are not there anymore I guess.

[Onthemountaintop]

If you want to experiment...

Many women need to feel affection from their partner. Your wife may be different, but affection isn't foreplay - it is touch and gestures that say she is important to you. Like putting your head on her lap as you talk or putting your hand on her leg without any sexual intent.

Or buying flowers. Consider things that don't require a response from her.

I found that when my W and I argued, that a few times I got closer, smiled, and touching her neck I said I was sorry to yell. I stopped suddenly and said something like, "I better back off a bit, your lips are so beautiful." I then backed off and sat across from her trying to look relaxed and open.

It wasn't a "planned" converstation, and you should only act like you, but I had to choose to add touch and affirming comments/compliments that were genuine.

Just because she didn't get giddy in fornt of you doesn't mean she didn't notice later that day. The point is that for her, it is an 'emotional need' and I offered something that she couldn't offer herself. Divorce can't give human affirmation. Love can.

[SMM23]

I was just thinking also. I talked with a common friend tonight. He is one W FB still (I am not) and say a message she wrote on her "wall". She said that she finally knows who she is and that she really likes the "new" W. She did not elaborate. WTH does this mean? This was on Tues. And although she was mad for a while that night, we had a nice dinner everything. As far as I can tell, she has not changed anything. Maybe the way she is looking at stuff. I do not know.

Also, she gave me a birthday card and a comforter for my birthday. Pretty cool as far as the comforter because she asked what I wanted for my bday and I told her some movies and cd's and stuff like that. I wanted a comforter for Christmas and did not mention this for bday. When she got me the comforter I was happy because she did not take the easy way out and buy me a meaningless cd, instead she put some thought in and gave me something I can use and remind me of her. I will write this in my journal as a baby step I think. HOWEVER, the card she got me could have been from someone who knew me for an hour. Was 2 lines about how to drink in life but let the year fade away. Something to that effect. Totally meaningless, BUT a card none the less. Not sure how to take this. she and son signed it (my S4 can write his name)

Finally for tonight. This one is for the ladies out there. Why is W mentioning CONSTANTLY when she sees a hot guy how hot he is, how she would do him if he was here right now, or just basic moaning. Not I am not a complete idiot and I figure part of this is throwing hints that this is what she would like me to be like. But if she is waiting for me to look like Brad Pitt, she could be waiting a while, I do not think I could wait this long. Any other thoughts?

[SMM23]

Oh, wait. One more thing. why is she staying up until 2:30 AM every night? I have installed a keylogger recently and she is playing Facebook games and nothing bad. The late nights is catching up with her, I noticed the correlation between her moody days and her late nights. Although she does all of her email on her phone and at work so I do not see that. But I seriously doubt she is messing around. It has crossed my mind after reading a lot of other threads on this forum. But it kind of worries me becasue when I was depressed, it was late nights, going to work late, wanting to do nothing and short temper. She has ALL of these. I think she is depressed, is there a way to approach her about this?

[Onthemountaintop]

Here's an affection idea with the comforter...ask her if she could spray a bit of her perfume on it because it reminds you of her hot body when you sleep. That it reminds you of why you've been planning on getting to a gym for the night she lets you back into her hot ____ again.

Let her know you're the Brad Pitt that she was lucky enough to get! Find ways to turn her on without touching her.

I'm not joking when I say this...my W mentioned that she wondered what a hairless chest would look like. So I offered to wax my chest. She laughed, I stayed serious and said that I'm the man. I did it. It REALLY hurt. But it was worth it ~ great sex for a week at least out of sympathy!!

You can also have a journal laying around of "things you want to do to her" when she's ready. List lots of things that are open ended but you think would be a real turn on. Then "forget" it in the bathroom or by the computer where she will for sure see it. Later, act dumb and ask her if she saw this sheet that was kinda private and you forgot somewhere....see where the conversation goes.

And then get to the gym~

If she's feeling all hot and ready, be relaxed and ready for anything anytime. No committment. No worries about what if. Just be ready. Make her feel wet thinking about you.

Possible future sex will not solve your problems, but it may give her some more reasons to move forward with you.

[SMM23]

So I had what I thought was a great weekend with W. We went to a graduation for a relative of hers. 8 hour trip each way for a 3 day weekend. I got a room and upgraded the room with a Jacuzzi tub in the room. S loves to swim so much that in case we were to busy when the pool was open we could use the tub in the room. On the way up we stopped at a restaurant in my old college town to have lunch. We both love this place. All we could talk about was the good memories we had and the things we did. I took that as a good thing since at least she could remember the good times we had.

So we got to the room and W and S were so surprised and happy that I upgraded to the suite with the Jacuzzi. So straight down to the pool we went though after the long trip it was great. Spent a few hours down there and caught up with some of the relatives. We missed dinner with the family because we were late getting there, so we went to Hooters for dinner. We shared wings and 2 pitchers of beer and had a great time. I was flirting with W and the waitress like I used to. So we got back to the room and after the trip and the beer we were ready for bed. I mistakenly thought she would sleep in the "master" bedroom with me. I was so wrong and hurt because I had that assumption. She decided to sleep on the fold down bed with S. I was so disappointed, especially when she used the excuse that S would not sleep in the room by himself. To myself I was thinking, Well what the hell does he do at home. But I knew it was just a lame excuse. It hurts more than anything that we can have that great of a time and yet she is so repulsed by me that she cannot even sleep in the same bedroom.

Saturday was interesting. But in the morning W's parents pulled their normal treatment of W and did not call her or invite at least her on a trip to a vineyard before the ceremony. All of her family went to this and nobody asked her to go. She was crying so hard and said that they have been doing this to her her whole life. As far as the 20 years we have been together, they have. It is so sad. I gave her a big hug and said that I am here if she needs anything. She just cried a bit and we went on with the day. Her parents only contacted her 2 times the whole weekend. Her aunt contacted her almost 12 times.
We went to the graduation and we had to follow W parents since we had no idea where it was. She called 4 times before they called back. It was like pulling teeth just to get them to contact her. We get there and we start walking to the pavilion at this park and W parents and her other aunt take off and leave W, S, MIL sister and I behind and it is a hug park and not sure where the pavilion is. So MIL is such a selfish bi!$% that she did not even wait on her slower 70 year old sister who has trouble walking. SO SAD. I sometimes hate W's family. But I did not say anything. W was complaining and so I just acknowledged what she said and agreed with her. After the graduation same thing happened almost. We did not know how to get back to where our hotel was. But as we were all taking pictures with the cousin, her parents and aunt took off without telling us. We did not know how to get back. She called them on the cell phone and asked where they were and if they could wait. They said I guess so and made a big ordeal about the whole thing. W was in tears again. She must have been hurting bad. So I hugged her again and said that we could use the phone to get directions if we had to and not to worry. Turns out that we got back to the cars before her parents and they were bitching for no reason. (PITA's) MIL asks if something is wrong, W says no until she closes the car door and tells me, what a stupid question and starts going off. I said, why don't you tell her that? She asked what would be the point, it would not change anything. I said you never know unless you try. She just shrugged it off. I wanted to say, if you would do that in life, tell the other person how you feel, our M would not be in the state it is in right now. No matter how bad she is hurting, she will not EVER say that something is wrong. That is why I do not even know where we stand now, she tells me nothing and I am done asking.

So Saturday night we get S to bed and W says, well you paid for the Jacuzzi, we need to use it. So it is in my part of the suite. She strips down and runs a bath and asks if I was going to get in too. I said if it is OK with you. She says yes and so we were at least in the same bathtub naked for 2 hours watching TV. I am not sure if this is a start or not. I was terrified to try anything since I just really enjoyed being with her and afraid if I tried anything that it would stop any progress. Any thoughts on this one? I just got a kiss and a hug after our bath and she slept in the other room with S again. Trip home was uneventful other than taking forever. I told her I had a great weekend and thank you when we got home. She said me too and went to bed.

I thought maybe we had turned a corner. Before we left I talked with W's aunt who was talking with A earlier. I told A how I was feeling and that I just want my W back. She said I know, you guys are good together, just give her some time and space and everything should be OK. But as Coach put it, I am a DAM. What does this mean? What does she want? what will time and space give her? I can't think like that. And how long? I love my W so much, but I am hurting really bad right now just as I think she is now. Most things we do together are great, like nothing is wrong. But then I cannot get close to her and hold her for fear of pushing her away. Right now she does not even like our S touching and hanging on her or snuggling, let alone me. I can tell she is hurting, I followed Coach's advice and asked her word for word the script she gave me and W said, Nothing. So I told her that I was here if she ever wants to talk.

As usual I gave her time to herself Monday after work. She did not come home until 10:15 again right after what I thought was a good trip. But, I was good. I did not ask what she was doing, as much as I wanted to know, or who she was with. But I think it is very very rude not to tell anybody where she is in case something happens. She knows S will not go to bed without her and that he needs to be in bed before 10. It makes me mad. But when she got home I said nothing and she did come in, sit down and give me a kiss. That was new. So I just do not know how to process this all. Any ideas ?