Well, here's a big update... Nothing has changed except my reactions.
After finding out about the other dude(s), I told my wife that I refuse to stay in this marriage, or have any sort of a relationship with her.
We emailed a bit last week. I emailed her, just for my own sense of closure, and told her again how from the beginning I wanted to see if we could make this work, I understood her gripes with our relationship and I owned my part of why it fell apart. I told her that I could walk away holding my head high, and that was what I was doing.
She emailed me back with a looooong email basically telling me, again, what a bad person I am and how I ruined her life.
Heres a few highlights...
- She said that "even if we do" get back together now she can never forgive our friends for not reaching out to her during this. She claims that I "stole" our friends from her because "I got to them first".
I'm pretty impressed that even though I have no control over our friends or what they do, she still found a way to blame me for people not reaching out to her.
- She said that even though she KNEW communication was a problem for us, and she KNEW she never told me how unhappy she was, that if I really loved her, I would have just known.
So, again, even though she admits that communication was a problem, and she never said anything to me about her unhappiness... It is my fault for not just figuring it out.
There was a lot of other stuff in the email, but it basically boiled down to what a horrible person I am and how our entire marriage was one big bowl of sh!t for her from the beginning. Most of the stuff she said I know is just flat out not true, but I did not argue with her, I let her say what she had to say.
I replied and told her, again, how sorry I was for how I treated her, but I cannot change the past and I can only learn from my mistakes to become a better man, which I am doing.
I told her while I still loved her, that I cannot continue down this path with her, because she has made it clear that she will not stop seeing other guys, and I have made it clear I will not have any relationship with her because of her actions.
I told her, again, that I will not be in an open marriage, and I was actually quite offended by how she would come over and sleep with me, knowing how I felt, while having an affair with someone else also.
I told her I have too much self respect to be involved with this anymore.
I told her that if we needed to talk, from now on, it should be by phone and not email or IM. She agreed.
A few days later, I got the urge to talk to her, so I sent her a text, asking if she would like to meet up for a beer or something.
I don't know why I did this... I realized pretty quickly afterwards that I really have nothing new to say to her. I would be just saying the same things over and over and over that I have already been saying.
I texted her back and told that what I wanted to talk about was not important, and she should not worry about it. She said ok.
Yesterday she started chatting me up on IM... I was polite, but I didn't say much.
She was snotty.
She refers to any new friend I have that she doesnt know as "they".
She asked me... "You have awesome plans with they this weekend? Not like you would tell me if you did"
Just snotty crap like that.
I didn't respond, and told her she was being snotty with me.
She then went off about some money I owe her for a credit card (that we already discussed 10 times and came top an agreement on)
I told her we already agreed what to do with the credit card, so there is no reason to talk more about it.
She then got mad... Told me she could "take a hint" and she was not going to talk to me again.
I told her she should do what she wants.
She logged off.
About 3hrs later she started talking to me again.
She told me we needed to talk, because I am acting very angry towards her, and she felt that because we are going to have a lot of contact in the future, we should not be angry.
I told her that first off, I'm not angry, and second off, we DONT have to have "a lot of contact in the future"... We have no kids, we own no property, and outside of the divorce and the small credit card debt, we really have no reason to talk to each other anymore.
She then got mad and said she didnt understand why I wanted to talk last week, but now I don't.
I told her that I realized that I have said everything I need to say. She knows how I feel and I am sick of sounding like a broken record.
I made it clear to her that if SHE wanted to talk, I would listen, but I have nothing more to say about the situation, and I thought the path to take now was very clear (divorce).
She got snippy again and said something like "well, I have nothing to say to you either, so I guess I will try to never contact you again".
I said "Give me a call if you ever want to talk, but if not, take care of yourself"
And that was the end.
I feel pretty good today.
I just can't play this game with her anymore. I really think the whole contact yesterday was her reaching out and testing me to see if I was still "on the leash" so to speak.
I get the feeling she wants us to be buddies... Maybe out of guilt, maybe to just keep me around, but I think she got the hint yesterday that I wont be her buddy, and I'm not just hanging around.
The fact remains... Here is reality.
1 - She moved out 2 - she wants a divorce 3 - she does NOT want to work on the marriage 4 - she is with other guy(s)
So... Fine.
It is what it is.
If SHE wants to change one or more of those things I listed, then I will hear what she has to say... But as long as all 4 of those things are reality, I will have nothing to do with her.
It is time for her to face reality also... And her reality is as long as those 4 things I listed are true, I will not be a part of her life in anyway.
