PEI...I have read some of your post...actually you have a very easy to read writing style...long, yes, but easy to read.
I would be glad to give some input if you want to point out specifically what it is that you want to know...
My husband didn't spew much either...and like yours, he pretty much avoided conflict which brought us to where we were several years ago...an abusive childhood...many similarities...I have noticed that it seems the worse the childhood the worse the MLC...
Also, like you, I did tend to be controlling...not consciously, like you, I was a fixer, a handler, a problem solver and solution provider...my H said he tried to tell me but I didn't hear it...believe me I did listen when he walked out the door...and I really thought it was too late but after much self-examination I really wanted to be a better person...I wasn't a malicious person or mean before...just strong and opinionated and oblivious as to how my H viewed me...funny, it was that personality that first attracted him...he liked that I was strong minded and could stand up and take care of matters...then he didn't have to...he used to affectionately call me his "mama pitbull" cause I would get the job done, work the best deal, and ultimately get what I wanted...all in a nice way but just didn't know how to take "no" for an answer...
So if there is something specific you would like my input on...ask away...I will keep tabs on this post...
You sound very together and definitely headed on the right track...I think you are much better at 180's then I was...
Take care Lin
Thanks for reading and posting ... I think it's just nice to have input and feedback from someone who's sitch is/was very similar. I have so many questions, and then at the same time I know that each sitch is different and how yours played out is not necessarily how mine is going to play out. Do you have a link to your sitch? I followed your posts and got some of it but would love to read through it all ...
OMG ... you literally could be describing ME! And I had no idea just how controlling my behaviour had become ... but boy can I see it now! I like to think I'm doing ok with 180s, but I feel like I have good intentions and then mess them up without seeing it coming. Case in point: I've been really emotional and weepy for a couple of days, having a lot of trouble not focusing on the OW etc ... last night was bad, lots of crying and venting in my journal. Didn't let H know last night - he texted me to tell me he's gotten an offer to contribute to a new local magazine and I called him to tell him congrats. Anyway ... I slept poorly and this morning was really off and sad and cranky when I landed home and something I said alerted H, he then found me in the bedroom crying and asked what was wrong and blah, blah, blah. I really didn't say much and he kinda just walked out. A few minutes later I asked him if he had a second and he came back down to the bedroom with me (away from the kids) and I apologized for being snappy, told him I was hormonal (PMS) and that I was extra edgy because of it. H said thanks ... said it was huge that I would even acknowledge the PMS and then come to him with it. He even hugged me. I guess I felt like this morning was a failure because I let so much show and my PMA wasn't leading the way, but maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought originally.
I guess I'm mostly wondering about how available/unavailable you were, did you continue to be intimate, did your H have an OW (sorry I forget), did you do MC ... ultimately what kind of things do you think moved you forward etc ...
thanks again Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
