I know this is a tough, tough stage you are in. It is full of confusion and pain. Best advice you are recieving here is to focus on your children and keep yourself busy. Of course this is hard, but you will save yourself so much extra suffering that some of us can really vouge for and wish we had tried harder not to suffer so much. It isnt healthy and I know you said you lost 9 lbs and I did the same. I could barely eat and hardly ever could get myself to come to work.
Now, in your last post you asked if WAS have regrets and do they come back.... yes in some cases they do. For me, my H "came back" (never actually went anywhere physically but thats because of our circumstances, otherwise he would have) and he does have regrets. Now that he is re-committed to our M, I didnt hear "Im sorry" or "I wish I hadnt done that" as much as I felt I needed to hear those kinds of things, but I can see it on his face when certain things come up. You can tell sometimes, when they come out of their fog, maybe after they have some sore of revelation about what they were going thru and how they handled things, they do feel bad and wish they hadnt hurt the family in that way. So that is something positive that could happen in your situation.
Now, I think you will get some people who say that there might be OW in the picture. Doesnt sound like you have any reason yet to suspect that. You dont sound like you have any evidence of that. But you had mentioned that maybe there is someone boosting his ego, maybe at work or something, and you could very well be right. My H had that going on, I dont suspect anything physical either, but def some ego boosting and in my case, what I would consider an emotional affair. So that is a possibility. But even so, I wouldnt focus on that thought too much unless some more concrete evidence comes your way.
What is most important right now is to focus on the things you do know where a problem in the M. You have pointed out some faults that you do know you have, and if you are anything like me, you havent acknowledged ever to H in the course of your M that you were wrong for those things, whatever they might be. Now, H plays a role in the breakdown of the M too, but it is not your job right now to point out his faults. It is only about you right now. I would suggest some individual counseling for yourself to help you explore those things and work on them. Cause like you said before, the goal here is to fix those things about yourself, even if it has no benefit on your M, or brings your H back. You wouldnt want to be that way in a future relationship either.
Now, you might also consider paying for the DB phone coaching. I dont know that very many people on these boards would recommend this, but my DB coach suggested that I send my H a "letter of release" and in my un-professional opinion, I think it could help in your situation. You might have read about it in my thread, but basically its a letter letting H know that you do understand his complaints in the M and you agree that things really could have been better. You basically validate all of their feelings, but in a way to let them know that you do want the M to continue, but you get why they feel that way and you understand. Its not written in a needy, desperate tone at all.... its more like "hey you know what, I get it, our M was not turning out the way either of us expected it to and there are some things I really need to work on about myself." Its kinda like, you know what, you're right H. If you want to know more about my letter, let me know.
You might get other adivise not to do that, and its up to you of course. I think you need to get your hands on the DB books before you do anything... I suggest Divorce Remedy over Divorce Busting, but thats me. Also, read some other books as suggested in earlier threads. I was kind of aggressive in my M too and controlling and the books I read really helped me to see what I was doing and how H feels about it.
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
