The best thing we can do for ourselves is not to complain about it and go find another seat.
Sometimes. Sometimes you can fix the problem instead. You have to decide whether it's: a) worth your time and trouble and risk to fix it, and b) possible to fix it.
Notice that the possibility is listed second; that's because if it's not worth it to you to fix the problem, there's no reason to bother going through all the work of trying to figure out whether it's possible.
My advice here has been and is to decide whether this kind of marriage is worth the pain it's causing the Captain. So far, he has decided that it is. If he ever decides that it isn't, he still has a choice to make. He can try to fix it (like moving the downspout so it doesn't pour on your favorite spot) or he can move on and find a new "seat." Or no seat. Whatever turns out to make him happiest. I'm not saying to leave, I'm saying to admit that leaving is a possibility and start thinking about what it would take to leave, what it would take to fix this, and which one he honestly prefers.
If you decide it's worth it to you to fix the marriage, you don't have to decide right away whether it's possible. You can start working at it and hope that it turns out to be possible. Much depends on her and whether she eventually joins you. But she has conditioned you for years to think she doesn't care about the marriage or about you, or at least not enough, so if you had to decide right away, you'd be likely to assume that the marriage can't be fixed. That's another reason you have to be willing to face the end of the marriage; if you want to fix it, you have to be willing to take big steps that could possibly lead to the end of the marriage if they go wrong. And you don't have complete control over how things go, since she'll have to make so many choices along the way, too. It's terrifying, but it might work. Sitting tight almost certainly will not work.
