So I have recently come to some realizations. Some of which I really didnt want to come to, yet knew were there all along. I guess, in hindsight, acknowledgment of our own shortcomings are the most difficult to deal with.
I can say that I have not had an easy time when it comes to relationships. I tend to get to a point where I believe I am ready to move forward and be able to give myself to someone else, then for some reason I seem to hit this brick wall. I get to a place where I just don't feel comfortable anymore in giving myself to anyone. I have developed several issues that I just cannot seem to shake;
Trust- I cannot for the life of me get past this one. I do not have the ability to trust a woman. Not that I have been given reason not to, I just cannot do it. I become very defensive and do not allow myself to get in a place where I can get hurt.
Communication- I have the ability to communicate openly at the beginning, but at some point I get to feeling like I have opened myself up too much and I begin to shut down and close myself off to the other person. No matter how hard I try it just seems easier to me to shut the door and stop talking.
Feelings- I believe my heart is in the right place when I begin things with a woman. I even believe that my feelings are real. I start to get close to a woman and then it's like a light switch goes off and I just stop it. I somehow deny what I feel and tell myself that it isn't real it is just my compensation for being lonely.
Doubt- This has been a tough one for me because I have absolutely never been the kind of guy who doubted myself. When I was younger I was extremely confident. I still have that ability, just not with relationships. I actually find myself doubting if I deserve to have someone in my life. I hide it behind flaws that i can find in the other person, but when it comes down to it, it is all about me. It is all about my inability to believe that I deserve good things.
I think that I have not come to grips completely with the exact amount of damage that losing Carrie caused me. I cannot get past the loss of my life, the grand plan, the way I thought things were supposed to be. In all honesty I just don't even know who the hell I am supposed to be anymore. I am a dad, but it's not all natural. It's me fighting my way every day to try and do what I feel is right for my kids. I, most of the time, have absolutely no fricken clue what I am doing when it comes to them. I question myself constantly on my decisions and inability to instinctively know what to do.
I have friends, great friends in fact, many of whom have come from here. I have not however continued on many of the friendships that I had before this place. Mainly because I feel out of place with them. I was always an US when I hung out with my friends and never a me. I think that hanging out with my married friends makes me feel like a failure. Like I could not do something as simple as maintaining my marriage. I let my wife down and she left me. Fuckk, thats the bottom line of it all. I think I own way too much of what happened in my marriage.
I know this may seem like an odd post to many who will read it. I am smack dab in the middle of one of my Psychology classes in college and a lot of it is about evaluatig ourselves and I am pretty sure it has brought on this funk that I currently find myself in. What I know is that I have a lot of work left to do. I am not nearly as far past my marriage as I thought I was. I hate that after 4 years of this I am still not beyond where I am. I was talking to a dear friend the other day and we were discussing the 6 month philosophy on our spouses and the OP. The fact that mine is still with OM drives me crazy. I think I banked a lot on OM being a phase and thought that when she ended it with him I would feel better about things and be able to push forward. Stupid, I know, but it is the truth.
We allow our minds to convince us that we are ok. We allow ourselves to believe that simply becoming active again, and making new friends, and not dealing with our ex's is progress. The fact is though that if we do not do the personal maintenance and growth all of that stuff matters very little. It merely means that you are a broken individual who happens to play a lot of ball, can socially drink, and has the ability to convince many people that you are just fine. It sucks waking up and realizing that you have not done enough to sustain the progress. It's a rude awakening.
