H's position has been that he is not in love with me anymore and thinks that because he tried to communicate to me last spring and summer that we were having problems that he has "tried everything" he can and thinks divorce is better than living with someone he cares about but doesn't love. He has also made comments to the effect that I've been controlling his life without concern for his feelings. I've countered that by saying that when someone says they don't know what they want, and I make an offer and that offer is accepted, I don't see that as controlling.
So, the situation has been rather f'd up. I have a rental his MIL is letting me move into for cost of utilities, and I'll fix the place up because the previous tenant trashed it. I moved into it for one night two weeks ago to start cleaning and the next day H asked me to come home. He has a lot of health issues and felt bad he couldn't do a lot of stuff with DD and was relying on his mother. He has very rarely voluntarily asked me for help, so I agreed. While there, we shared the same bed and I made the mistake of accepting his advances as him maybe changing his thinking about the divorce.
Up till last week, he swore up and down OW was just a "friend" and though I knew it was an emotional affair for him, I wasn't sure on anything more. He did not admit to any kind of affair until Saturday, at which point he told me he'd decided to pursue a relationship with her. I then got on Facebook and looked up OW. Her status update had been made Tuesday before that she'd "found the love of my life and wanted the whole world to know..."
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Forgot the info on where OW works... She is a part time instructor at a university. Biology. She can only work part time, she says because she has two young autistic children and they need her more.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
OK, you COULD go to a class she's holding and humiliate her in public... just speak calmly and loudly asking her to stay away from your husband, etc...
You have to weigh that carefully, but I am putting it out there...
SHE will be LIVID, but the idea that she could lose her job if she keeps interloping may scare her off to a degree....
I am going to reccomend that you keep living in the same home with him.. It's your home and you leaving will to your H and OW validate their affair as acceptable to you...
If YOU stay living there and your H doens't move OUT, the OW will start harassing your H to do something about it and that will turn him off of her very likely.
The crap about your H not being in love with you etc is BS if he's having sex with you.. we have ALL HEARD that nonsense..
If those are the only complaints he has then he's just having an affair and things will be fine after he ends it... Those are classic excuses for people to invent when they are two-timing their spouse.
I don't reccomend you moving out at the moment, I dont think that's going to improve your marriage and it will very likely ENCOURAGE OW to press the affair more.
Apologizing for name calling and yelling isnt' pursuit, it's setting an adult example for him to follow.
BUT it is important you make it clear what you are apologizing for and what you are NOT apologizing for... NEVER lead him to think you in any way support his lying, cheating, or escapist attitude.
OK, you COULD go to a class she's holding and humiliate her in public... just speak calmly and loudly asking her to stay away from your husband, etc...
You have to weigh that carefully, but I am putting it out there...
SHE will be LIVID, but the idea that she could lose her job if she keeps interloping may scare her off to a degree....
I am going to reccomend that you keep living in the same home with him.. It's your home and you leaving will to your H and OW validate their affair as acceptable to you...
If YOU stay living there and your H doens't move OUT, the OW will start harassing your H to do something about it and that will turn him off of her very likely.
The crap about your H not being in love with you etc is BS if he's having sex with you.. we have ALL HEARD that nonsense..
If those are the only complaints he has then he's just having an affair and things will be fine after he ends it... Those are classic excuses for people to invent when they are two-timing their spouse.
I don't reccomend you moving out at the moment, I dont think that's going to improve your marriage and it will very likely ENCOURAGE OW to press the affair more.
Well, I had a conversation with my H today. He declares that he is DONE and that he has felt like we haven't been together for four years or so. Hmmm... that's not the way I remember things. He says all he hopes for now is that I can be civil to him, and we can agree to divorce. The OW has "nothing to do with it."
My response was that as long as he is in an affair with another woman, obviously he won't be willing to rebuild a family that needs work and the help of a professional marriage counselor. I told him my condition for willingly signing any divorce papers is that we attend counseling as a husband and wife and through counseling come to agree on whether or not our marriage can be saved.
I told him that he should not, until that time, expect me to be quiet about the fact it is not mutual should anybody ask. I know.. don't warn... but I continued to press the "not mutual" point and I slipped.
I realized today that his viewpoint on our marital history is so far skewed from mine, that at this point I honestly don't know that I CAN have any impact on his choices, no matter what I do, but I still feel I need to try.
So, he gave me the whole song and dance about thinking about MC again, and I'm pretty sure he's talking to his IC and OW before he comes back with a response. He also made the comment IC is just as good as MC when it comes to marital problems. ARGH. I know it's not the same, but it's so aggravating to know he keeps coming up with any excuse.
And BTW, I'm staying at home again and I've told him I thought it was only fair to DD that since she was staying with H and he decided it was more important to go out and have an affair, at least one parent should be home with her.
I'm pushing harder than I ever have before, and sometimes I feel like all it's doing is making him hate me rather than making him want his family back. Is this a normal feeling?
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Also, how do I combat his feeling of justification that he isn't having an affair because he has declared he is "done". We're still married. And he hasn't been acting in ways to make me think otherwise.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Also, how do I combat his feeling of justification that he isn't having an affair because he has declared he is "done". We're still married. And he hasn't been acting in ways to make me think otherwise.
I'd like to hear the answer to this one also.
H 38 W 34 M 7/98 Bomb 2/19/10 D 7 S 5 Still under same roof
Pretty much everybody I can talk to knows now what is going on, not all the details but enough to know that I am not choosing divorce, he is, and H is involved with another woman. I think I'm laying off for a few days now and am trying not to react to any "off-handed" comments he makes. I'm just living my life at the moment, going about my day pretending nothing's wrong. I feel like I need to re-group and at this point that is the only way I know how. If anybody has any suggestions I'd love to here them.
I don't think I should show up at the university to expose OW there. I don't think it will accomplish anything in this instance except get me in trouble with security and anger her enough to probably talk to police. She's like that.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
OK, your call on exposure, but you only have to show up for five mins and embarass her.. then you are out the door..
Your husband has to dig up feelings of justification.. he feels :
1. Guilty 2. Scared 3. Frustrated 4. Confused
And likely a variety of other emotions right now...
When the affair comes out of the closet a spouse has three choices :
1. Be magnanimous and end the affair, return to the home, and rebuild the marriage 2. Deny the affair amidst the most condemning evidence you can imagine (living in la-la land) 3. Admit the affair, but add that he is "done" and its "OK cause the marriage is over"
In all three of these cases the goal is clear : Grasp desperately for an ounce of respectability
I have yet to hear of an affair where a spouse said
a. Yes, I am having an affair b. Yes, I am a complete jerk and and should stop
Remorse is rarely forthcoming early on... That's a process that has to be worked through to arrive there.. He's not there yet.. He hasn't even taken any ownership of any damage yet.. He's still addicted and in fantasy land.
You have a three year old daughter, the emphasis on the damage affairs and divorce do to children should not be understated here... You want to emphasize his choice is
a. Choose his FAMILY b. Destroy his FAMILY
Do everything you can to avoid making this look like a choice between YOU and OW... That's a VERY COMMON way that LBS' present the situation and it does them very little good if any at all...
The sense of entitlement is his own pride at play here... He can't admit he's in the wrong at all.. His' ego's too sensitive to process that... So he just SAYS these things to maintain what he believes is a reparable public image.
Unless your circle of family and friends are complete jeuvenilles the only way he can earn his respectability back is to end the affair and repair the marriage...
When affair's start a WS has three roads to choose :
a. Continue the affair/Open marriage - in secret if possible b. Pursue divorce and roll the dice with OW c. End the affair and repair the marriage
Your H hasn't done b or c.. He may have brought UP b but he hasn't done it has he?
In MOST cases the addict will CLING to a like a magnet and avoid both b and c
Most WS' KNOW they are doing damage and know they are not helping their kids and don't like b... But their addiction makes c uninviting as hell as well...
If you
1. expose heavily enough 2. maintain you want to save your marriage and invite him to family therapy
He can't keep a for very long... to repair his image he either has to divorce or end the affair
Keep exposing the affair, make it NO FUN for him... If you don't want to go to OW's class, write up a paper, make 100 copies and pin them all around the university...
You want to RUIN the excitement, the romance, and the inviting nature of the affair
If every time he escapes to OW she has a BLAST waiting for him about some horrible thing you have done to expose HER further he will NOT want to talk to her.. he will AVOID her and this makes the affair a turn off...
THe more UNPLEASANT you make things for HER, HE won't want to be NEAR her and they will just fight all the time... while you wait at home inviting him to return to family therapy...
Your H is going to string you along with a as long as he can get away with it. You make (a) an uninviting ball of stress he will RUN from it just like a WS from a marriage.
If he REALLY WANTS to stay in teh family home with you, then STAY there.. OW will NOT LIKE that... she does NOT WANT YOU anywhere NEAR HIM... So, you live there and post every nice thing you can about your time together... don't lie, but do everything you can to stir trouble up over there in fantasy land.
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You want to know how to get him to stop justifying that what he's doing is OK?
EXPOSE IT.. TALK ABOUT IT... make sure EVERYONE knows YOU are NOT OK with it and that he's HURTING his DAUGHTER...
Present the affair as an ATTACK on your HOME and that OW is VIOLATING A MARRIAGE...
This is about marketing... its NOT about convincing HIM...
He does feel guilty, but he just has to rewrite marital history with you as the villain to build up some anger... and he isn't going to FEEL the GUILT when he's ANGRY about his marriage (even if its an imaginary marriage in his head he's giong to be angry about it)
You present the affair publically as
a. A horrible violation b. you want to protect your daughter c. You want to save your marriage and he is invited to family therapy
He will present it publically as
a. He's done b. Marriage was a mistake c. He's "in love" and moved on
MOST ADULTS will support the FIRST story rather than the second... MOST ADULTS are hopefully the ones you have surrounded yourself with.
He can't keep up his game plan long term if you keep up the exposure of this whole thing as OW raping your home and marriage... She will become the "town slut" and won't want that... HOPEFULLY your friends and family are adult enough to tell OM they won't accept OW in their homes.. EVER and that he should stop hurting his daughter and end the nonsense.
This isn't about you and your husband, marriage is the unit of community... You get married within a community, they should all be turned to when things are at their worst for support and encouragement
if OW is as crazy as she sounds this is going to be easy.. she very likley wants to protect her reputation.. So.. RUIN IT
