Completely Blindsided

[fullmoon]

>I don't always put myself forwards for things for fear of the risk of failure.

The book "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" talks about this and how women react to it and how it affects R.



>I keep seeing them as laden with 'hidden meanings'

I've been advised not to "assume". What it is is what it is, there is no need to make it more complicating.


>It's something I'm trying to work on - something I badly WANT to work on... but I get the feeling that it's all a bit 'too little too late'. She's already left.

We are not bettering ourselves for our S, we are doing it for ourselves and if the result has S coming back, great but even if not it'll be good as we will gain more skill at building better R with another.


>how can I show her that I understand, and that I'm trying to deal with this?

The only way is by putting it into action, which is to communicate in positive and upbeat manner.


>I want to email her and tell her all of these things, and try to address the fears she's got about being with me

This is just "words" and she won't be convinced. It hasn't worked before has it?


The point is this (I'll quote from another forum)
It is often a matter of trial and error, becoming a solution detective, and figuring out what works
"If what you're doing is working, then keep doing it. If what you're doing is not working, then do something different." Experiment and monitor the results.


I was told that I have to start from being "friends".
For me it's much easier to know how to respond if I treat him as a friend... I never ask my friends 'what kind of a friend are you to me?' !!
So basically it's back to where "we" started... or even before that point. Whether he wants to date me again, I don't know. But it doesn't mean I'm hanging around waiting for him, life is too good for that.

[blind]

"How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" sounds like a definite to pick up then. I'll have a look online today, because the local stores seem to be very short on relationship books.

It's hard not to make assumptions from what they say to you... because you do what you can not to reply straight away, so dwelling on things is a bit too easy. I'm doing what I can not to overthink.... I'm just not terribly good at it!

I know I'm not bettering myself for her... I know what I'm aiming for are goals that will lead me forwards on a life without her. It's more that if I'd known and taken these steps beforehand, they would have had a big impact. It's odd and bitter sweet.

I'll continue communicating with her whenever I can... but doing what I can not to seem over keen or negative.

I know words haven't worked in the past, but I can't help but feel that there have been no words on these issues before... I don't know. Part of me just wants to apologise for being this weird miserable creature.

But you're right... the only chance is to build the relationship from scratch if I get the chance. I don't think it's coming, but I'm trying to keep positive about myself and my new life.

[blind]

Ok.... so I sent the email anyway..

Yeah, I know... initiating relationship talk is a big no no... but she hadn't replied in over a week and I really felt like I'd had a bit of a revelation.

She replied just over a day later.

It was an email telling me I'd gotten it right. I'd found the reason why she was upset, what had been weighing on her, what she'd tried to do about it. She even said "Unfortunately I didn't tell you how seriously it was affecting me"....which is something.

I've just read the email, everyone I know is out and about the place, and I just need to NOT reply to her right now, my emotions are running too hot.

I honestly don't think that this will change anything. It's all become insurmountable for her now. Coming to Aus is too big and I don't think she'll be able to have the courage to face it, even if she believes that I've changed.

... and I don't know if I could honestly trust her... not in the marital sense, but in the relationship "telling me what she thinks" sense.

I really need some help here. Does anyone have some advice? Does anyone know what I should do?

Please help.

Please.

[blind]

Alright, no one weighing in.

I replied.

I just tried to keep things going on in the same trend. I agreed that things are "Pretty messed up", but said that at least it's helped give me a kick to sorting things out that I probably wouldn't have otherwise.

I mentioned briefly that I'd had a busy weekend with loads of different people... which is very true, but not the reason for not replying.

I'm trying to go with the "if it feels wrong, it's probably right" kind of thing. I worried that agreeing with her and telling her the positives I'm taking for it would validate it too much for her and allow her to say "Well see, I helped him! Now I can feel good about divorcing him..." or even "We're bad together, and here's proof".

.. but then I'm trying to overthink things less, and I figured "Worst case scenario"? She's ALREADY leaving. I can't make her leave MORE. So worst case scenario is.... now. Anything that changes is a step away from this.

anyone wanna weigh in? I am doing the right thing? The wrong thing by miles?...

I worry (like I do about EVERYTHING) that I should start a new thread, cause no one wants to tackle a 10 page thing, but then I worry that there's nothing to warrant it... is there a board policy on this?

[TimeHeals]

I worry (like I do about EVERYTHING)

We know you do. This too shall pass.

[blind]

OK, now she replied... and said that she didn't know what else to say about the 'previous conversation', so here's a cute anecdote of something our cats did yesterday....


....and by OUR cats, she means HER cats. I don't have cats anymore. They're not being shipped out here, they're staying there, with her.

So WTF!?

We finally start talking about the actual problem and she runs away. She is always running away from me and from this and from facing what has actually happened.

I never thought she was such a coward.

So I guess that's it. How do I reply to this? The other stuff I could figure out a way of talking about... but a flippant 1 paragraph joke about our cats pouncing on each other?

I have no idea at all now.



.... on a plus note, I hit my contemporary class hard last night and the instructor singled me out several times as hitting things perfectly. There are some dancers in the class that have been doing this style for years, so I felt pretty damn chuffed with myself.

[fullmoon]

You were saying that the situation you are in is the worst that can be, but I think it can get much worse... if she decides to not contact you at all again and files for D straight away.

So isn't it that you want to have the positive communication going?


>We finally start talking about the actual problem and she runs away. She is always running away from me and from this and from facing what has actually happened.

Your outcome so far:
R talk= she runs
positive chit chat= positive replies


Remember it's about becoming a solution detective, and figuring out what works... finally you are starting to see some really good baby steps but they are not huge enough or quick enough for you???

[blind]

Hey Moon,

There are days when I'm not sure if that's worse than where I am... at least there's some kind of closure, you know? It's not that I WANT her to, but if she is going to no matter what, then sooner is better.

But you are right, she does seem to want some positive chit chat. I really need to learn to ackowledge this for what it is. At the moment I freak out at the drop of a hat - at least I've gotten better and trained my instinct impluse away from the 'reply' button.

I guess the problem is not that the baby steps aren't big enough for me, it's that I don't realise they're steps until someone (like your good self) turns to me and says "You know that's a step, right?"... and I become aware of it. Thank you.

So now I need to reply - do I try to keep it very short, or do I tell her some of what I've been up to? I know I need to keep some mystery there (last email I'd said that I'd "had a very busy weekend meeting up with loads of really nice people"... is it wrong to go into more detail?... as much as there is a 'right' and 'wrong' choice here).


Just got to remember to breathe - in with the good, out with the bad. Repeat until I'm calm.

[fullmoon]

I think saying 'I will file no matter what' is different to actually going ahead with it. If she really meant it, she would've done it by now hiring someone. Any reasons she hasn't done so are excuses.

I'd take her "our cat" to be a good positive sign that she's not evicting you totally.

Perhaps you can treat her like a friend for now and hold the R talk for a while? In time, she might feel safe enough to discuss it, but if you try to push it in your timescale you'll backslide big time like I did.

I guess she didn't have the tools to let you know how she really felt while you were together, and it built up to the point where she could no longer take it.
It doesn't mean it was ok to do it in the way she did. But not being able to face it a few months down the road doesn't make her a coward either.

Some people choose to not face it at all and we don't know if our S ever will... we have no control over it... which is frustrating.
My H can hold a grudge for a long time and is very stubborn (even against strangers who are rude... he'll remember the petty incidents for years), so I'm starting to think I'm wasting my time and stopped contacting altogether.

[blind]

Hey moon,

I guess I'm just frustrated. I know calling her a coward is pretty harsh. What you said is more accurate... I'm just lashing out. I'm frustrated and in some ways angry, and I miss my wife. I just wish she'd spoken to me when it was a problem. I wish she'd told me it she was upset.

And yeah, all I can do is try and be a friend to her and hope she find the tools to deal with this situation before she does something final like filing.

There are positives there, so I need to acknowledge them and try to use them. I'm sure you agree though, trying to fix things at this kind of a distance can feel pretty hopeless.


Your H and I have something in common. I can be pretty bad with holding a grudge. It's one of the things I'm working on. I've got an appointment with a psychologist on Tuesday, and I am willing to take anything on board to fix this.

I'm sorry that you feel like you're wasting your time with him. I guess you can only divorce bust for so long... and every day you need to make the choice whether to keep trying or not. I'll pray for you to have the strength you need to make the choice that's ultimately right for you.