Help

[MESSIMADE]

Love is doing, love is kind, love is not hurtful, love is a verb. Love means to have such a deep caring for an individual you would do anything for them, sacrafice anything, give the all that you can, be there for them.

Yes I do love my wife, in the past I did not show or behave as one who loves her, but I do.

I did not love the OW. I only "loved" the attention at first. After I pulled my head out of my ass and realized what I was doing I was in over my head, maybe even out of my head you might say. I was not acting even close to the person I thought I was. I can only say that I was a in a place that I never want to return to in my life ever again. I may have cared about her OW, but it was not love.

I promised to stop talking to her almost a year after son was born, but I didn't. I talked to her going to and from work, at work and when I was choring on my farm. I did meet her a few times, but I will repeat, in those meetings I did not have sex with her.

Yes I question how could I do that to my son and my wife. It is something I hope you never feel. It is like a wave that roars into the beach about .5 seconds after I wake up in the morning and it is the last thing that I think about before I go to sleep at night...wtf was I thinking and how could I have done this? Followed by why?

I felt guilty b/c if she killed herself I felt it would have been my fault and I thought I could prevent that and "fix" her and go on the "fix" my marriage. Looks like that isn't how things are turning out.

What do you mean tell you about every time I met her again? Is there something specific you would like to ask? I guess I just don't understand what you are asking.

I told her I would leave b/c that is what she wanted. I had a chosen time that I wanted to come clean to my wife, after she had been on a vacation with her folks this winter, so I wanted her to be able to enjoy that. So I was keeping OW "happy" until then.

She is planning on waiting for my wife to D me and then she plans to "win" me back. She doesn't care what it takes to get the D to happen. That is my guess why the oral story was made up. That's not the only one. There is a story about her picking me up and I was in a specific truck and taking me to her house, only thing is she was very specific about the date ect and the only thing she didn't realize was that that particular truck had the transmission out of it at the time.

I could be trusted b/c I have walked to that line, I have walked to the end of the world, I walked to that edge. That is a place that I will never go or take anybody with me again. How could I be trusted? Blind trust is gone, I would have to build trust, I would have to allow her to monitor me, I would have to stay transparent. This I can do. I can do with love and with greatfullness that she allowed me to stay.

Yes I would take a dna test, but in a previous post I stated that her parents had to do some testing for some treatment when child was younger and there was no "smoking gun" there.

I guess sometimes the truth is stranger that fiction. I know that is a cliche, and I understand your reluctance to accept my story as truth, but it is what it is...it is the mess I made. I am just asking for some help/incite to put my family back together. They deserve so much better than I have gave them. This has lasting affects on innocent people and I want to minimize there suffering b/c of my stupidity.