Too Late For Us?

[mrbt]

Hi All.

I dropped off the forum for a while. Needed a break from all the depressing and familiar stories.

First, Mr. Bond, regarding the idea of wife's behavior is influenced by her history of abuse. It most definitely plays a role - but I also understand that it does not excuse her.

So here's an update on my situation.

I moved back home about three weeks ago - wife's idea. Things seemed to be going really well (until just a couple of days ago - I will explain). We agreed to live together but in separate bedrooms. We both continue to see our individual counselors. We had one session together with my wife's counselor - we came up with a set of rules for living together with the help of the counselors. There was never a promise of reconciliation - we just agreed to see how it goes. Living together removed a lot of tension and stress from the situation.

Friday afternoon wife told me she a saw a house for sale in one the neighborhoods we like (we were almost ready to buy a house before our marriage meltdown occurred). She asked if I wanted to go look at it later and I said "yes!" I took this as a sign that things were improving - it had been a long time since she looked towards a future that included us as a couple.

At about 4:30PM wife called me (I was still at work). She said she had to go for a drive to think and be alone (something she has done a few times in the past). She promised not to drink and not to stay overnight (this was one of the rules we agreed to with her counselor). I said "okay, I will wait for you at home."

I expected to see her at about 10 or 11PM - the midnight hour came and went, no sign of wifey. At about 3AM it occurred to me that I could call the 800 number for her credit card and maybe discover where she was. I did. She was at a bar 2.5 hours away (she spent about $180 - clearly she was not alone and likely very drunk).

I googled the bar's location and drove arriving at 5AM. Of course the bar was closed and wife was nowhere to be found. Just on a hunch I got back on the thruway and drove to the next exit (the OM is a truck driver, I was looking for the nearest truck stop). I found a truck stop at the next exit, pulled into the lot, and found her car.

My mind went numb. There were hundreds of trucks with truck drivers sleeping in them. I had no idea what to do. I had a key to her car so my first reaction was to move her car so she couldn't find it. I planned to wait to see her reaction and then wait for her call to hear her explanation.

I called a friend for advice and decided to return the car to it's parking spot, leave a note on the windshield, and go home. My friend thought staying to confront them was a bad idea. He thought things might go horribly wrong - perhaps get violent - some truckers carry hand guns.

I had the OMs phone number (saved it from when I first discovered the EA) and so decided to give him a wake up call while I was driving home. He didn't answer. About an two hours after I left, the OM returned my call not knowing who I was. I just asked if he happened to know where my wife was. He played dumb and denied everything.

After I finished with OM wife called (already in her car, unaware of my conversation with OM). She fess'd up to everything and immediately started to defended the OM - said he had no idea she was married - she told him she was divorced.

She said she was going to tell the OM the truth then come home (she to.d me later OM was pissed because he didn't want to be tangled up in love triangle). I got a text MSG from OM later on saying something like "had no idea she was married, wouldn't have done this otherwise. sorry." I'm not buying the innocent OM story. Maybe she told him she was divorced but in the beginning, last year, he knew she was married.

I don't know where to go from here. When the wife came home she gave me a meek "I'm Sorry." She told me she'd understand if I tossed her out. I asked if that's what she wanted - was this just a way to have me do the dirty work? She said she'd like to stay but would understand if I wants her to leave.

The next morning wife surrendered the extra cell phone she used to communicate with the OM. This is good but not sure if it's sincere. She did this before and later got a new phone.

As I said earlier, I went emotionally numb when I found her car and was still numb when she came home. I wasn't displaying the rage you might expect (maybe a good thing, maybe a bad thing). Now, I couple days later, my emotions are all over the place - mostly numb and angry and back to numb (no crying). I decided to wait and let the shock and emotions settle. I will be out of town mostly for the next two weeks.

PS. BTW she broke almost every rule we agreed to: she lied, she stayed over night, she contacted OM, she got drunk, she drove drunk.