So so day today. Found out yesterday that the WAW "claims" when she was coming over on Tuesday two weeks ago(the day I went to file for custody that morning) that she was coming to tell me that we could work things out and had scheduled a marriage counselor meeting for that night. That is until she went ballistic when she figured out I was at the courthouse of course.
I didnt get to it today, but Im going to ask her and verify who she set this up with, as means of backchecking her honesty. It SOUNDS sincere, but given the way our conversation went the night before everything happend I dont know. I will feel like the BIGGEST jackass in the world if it turns out to be true and I somehow yet again managed to shoot myself in the foot.
That not to say things are over even still, but my filing DEFINITELY was a GIGANTIC step backwards. Our counselor neighbor had another marathon session today with both of us, covered ALOT of ground and hammered out a custody arrangement WITHOUT the involvement of the Courts.
The WAW is still SEETHING with resentment and anger towards me, still bringing up things from YEARS ago. The counselor actually thinks this is a positive sign, that she's venting and willing to talk to me, even though its mostly her one sided blasting me.
Counselor says thats better then her sitting there and saying nothing or giving terse, one word answers. We're still clearly speaking different languages though.
She did also agree to commit to at least one session a month with both of us and the counselor, which I guess is better then nothing, even though I suggested 1 every other week.
She STILL doesnt want to be "around me " alone, it came up because our daughter has a last minute field trip for scouting this weekend and I've been trying to identify opportunities for us to spend time with the kids in a safe, non threatning, Non R related way, so we can start to enjoy each others company again. and the walls are WAY UP , she vocalized all of this. She clearly stated she's afraid to feel anything for me again, scared to death I'll hurt her again. She admitted she has an "addictive personality " and she feels the only way to not start feeling for me again immediately is to keep her distance.
She did say we could spend time with the kids on 4th of July, because other people will be around her. I guess I dont have a choice but to take whatever I can get for now.
My God this is going to be the LONGEST TIME of my life!!!!! Everytime I think I've gotten my head around it, something happens that makes the enormity of how long this will take seem all the more overwhelming and impossible. Especially since its Summer time, which is when we would normally be doing all kinds of stuff as a family.
Still getting certain signals and key words that its not really OVER, KAPUT, DONE. But DAMNIT I KNOW its going to be a monumental effort and require the patience of a saint and a level of perseverance, strength and faith Im not sure I have.
I know what I MUST DO to reach my goals, I just cant for the life of me figure out how I can hold on for as long as it seems likely to take. I guess my biggest hang up right now is waiting to see some sort of thawing towards me, some readily identifiable sign that things are working. Because she sure as hell isnt going to be able or willing to say it to me directly for who knows how long.
