WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

My mom has a lot of regrets at how she's handled her life to date. She hides in books instead of living her life. I can't change that for her, and she doesn't seem to want to change it for herself. So be it. It is her choice how she wants to live out the remainder of her years. However, it is MY choice at what my children will learn from their home environment, and I don't want it to be what she is showing them.

She has boundary, control, self esteem, motivation, and codependence issues. I suspect she's had sexual abuse in her past, but she remembers nothing. My grandfather was an alcoholic and my grandmother unemotional and cold-seeming. She has a sedentary lifestyle and stays home most of the time, with brief (very brief) periods out. When depressed or grumpy (which happens a lot) she will shut all blinds and sleep or eat for most of the time. She has little concern for keeping a neat home (she was a fanatic about cleaning when I was growing up), and is a hoarder. However, she thinks nothing about telling others what they should be doing and how to do it. She avoids dealing with reality and escapes into books constantly (there's always one in her hand). She is on meds for depression, but doesn't do anything to monitor the results or adjust it accordingly. The idea of just going out for the sake of getting out is difficult for her to grasp.

This isn't a rant against her, she has a heart of gold. Merely what I've observed to be true and what I've learned of myself that I got from her. What she's showing them is what I have learned and have struggled to overcome for most of my life. It's been a challenge to say the least. A lot of pain and confusion and lack of joy, all of which could have been avoided. I wouldn't wish that on anyone to experience, definitely not my own kids. I can't save her and won't even try. I can and will however, take the reins and change myself and my life so my kids will learn another way to live.

I want my kids to know that books are awesome for learning from and to disappear into another world that you may never see in your lifetime, but that they are not crutches to be used. That life is for living and connecting with others to share what you have to offer and accept what they have to give.

[DiamondGirl]

Just checking in.. I'm still doing well attitude-wise, very detached. I'm currently listening to a podcast on your Inner Child... At first listen it's very helpful, though I need to make time to actively listen to it as I was interrupted at the beginning.

Rough patches with my mom still continue, but they only reinforce that the decision I made is the right one regarding not living together.

I realized that when I initiated the last horrible interaction with H, I was in that point the book I was reading described as the transition between old and new. I have been so unhappy with myself and felt so unhappy most of the time that it became comfortable to me.. the "norm".. so when I no longer felt that way about myself, part of me tried to get back there. I pushed through the other side (with all your help) and feel great about myself and the future now (today anyway.. LOL)

I'm putting my eager brain cells together to come up with a plan to generate more income to compensate for mom's moving out. My plan is that should I find by next tax season that living here is too much of a struggle, at that point I'll decide whether to move and let H sell the house to divide everything. I should have a refund at that point to put towards my own (smaller) mortgage.

I'm trusting that one way or the other I'll be okay until then. Actually,

I know I will..

[DiamondGirl]

I'm doing a temp check on my issues and what I've worked on so far.. sorry it's a long post

I basically took all of what I wrote in my first post in Newcomers and took out what I knew I needed to work on from there. I know there is more to work on, but I needed to start somewhere.. LOL


Childhood issue: “I lived with my parents before marriage. Never on my own so no life skills learned at this point. “

Have taken over the reins in my household. Have been handling the bills and the crisis with the house on my own. Have been handling repair to car, getting rid of stuff and redecorating home on my own.

Am in the process of getting my mom ready to move out. My choice to ensure that the people around me daily are positive and emotionally stable, and not negative role models for my children.


Childhood issue: “Sexual abuse “


Figured out the missing link that wasn’t addressed in therapy over 20 years ago. There is a disconnect between sex and emotion/intimacy in my mind/thoughts/belief system. Will work on it with IC after rest of life stabilized further re: home life/routine/finances


Childhood issue: “social isolation”


Joined meetup groups (and actually went to some) Learning what a healthy childhood consists of so I don’t do the same to my kids


Childhood issue: “emotional neglect (non-demonstrative; rejection); “


I remind myself to express my love to/for my friends and children daily and not just think it.

I have put my feelings/thoughts on the table, risking rejection and the ridicule I expected to have due to upbringing.


Childhood issue: “crisis management or healthy coping skills. “


Learned to do nothing and breathe. That time can work things out on its own and to allow solutions to come to my mind naturally and not force things.

Learned to be good to myself first, pamper myself at times, sleep, eat, working on the exercise part…


Became financially dependent on him


He has not given me a dime.. I’ve actually become financially independent as a result and intend to continue that way regardless of whether I am in a relationship or not. I realize it is a necessity for my self esteem and feelings of self worth to be financially independent and stable. I am in the process of separating myself from my mother’s input into my household finances, and will find something to substitute loss of funds from her.


Developed low self esteem due to mixed feelings of baby, job loss, weight issues and felt as if I was a burden on WAH instead of a partner.


Learned to separate what is under my control and not. That it was my responsibility to look after my emotional health. That feelings are transient and not fatal. To make conscious decisions on how I will allow my feelings to influence my actions.

Didn’t tell him my feelings


I express my feelings to people and try to do so with empathy. Still learning how to do that.

My feelings of inadequacy.


Learned that I am just fine the way I am. That I am a work in progress and that it is perfectly fine to be that way. That this is a life long journey and there is no need to feel inadequate as it will never end and there is no grading.

Childhood issue: Didn’t feel like I was a natural mother due to no experience around other kids.


Have insisted upon my mother to step back and allow me to deal with my children on my own without her input. Am going by my gut as to what I will accept from them and not, how to stand my ground with them and be firm, cuddle them when I feel they need it, try to look at things from their angle.

Childhood issue: Had no clue due to upbringing how to interact with children or how to amuse them.


Consciously try to think of games and play songs that I know my kids will like. Trying to involve them in things I do around the house to teach them as well as spend quality time… Am still working on this one…

Childhood issue: Did not connect with other SAHM in morning programs.


Learning about all kinds of relationships (not just romantic) and how to make friends and connect with others at a deeper level. Practicing it by chatting with friends online and making new friends online and in person. Trying to arrange play dates with friends with kids. Will arrange a bbq with friends later this year. Thinking of starting my own meetup group..

Felt lost and wanted to go back to work but did not tell WAH. Didn’t have family or friends to turn to who would understand what I was going through.


Reached out to old friends and family and allowed them to be there for me and expressed my feelings to them. Consciously trying to be there for them as well and cultivate the friendships so it isn’t one sided. Still working on it…

Childhood issue: I became very stressed and withdrawn and stopped showing him positive emotion (regressed to childhood coping mechanism)


When I feel stressed and want to withdraw I do so only for a short time and spend that time doing something for me. (nap by the lake, coffee in a coffee shop, browse a bookstore, drive aimlessly…)

I found that doing so I naturally felt positive more often and it was easier to smile, laugh, and joke around

WAH contributed to it by catering to my every need instead of letting me do stuff on my own.


So far I have: changed my own headlight and rear wiper blades, cleaned out the garage (yes, lifting heavy boxes too), cleaned out the yard with a whipper snipper I never used before, installed mirrored closet doors, installed fire alarm, learned how to use a snowblower…

Upcoming projects: repair washer, repair glass top stove element, clean out basement, repair handrail on stairs, steam clean carpets (and repair cat damaged places), take down dead trees in yard, install gravel walkways and patio area outside, remove ugly outdoor carpeting from front and back porch…


Plus he treated me like I was fragile since episode. It became easier to just let him than try and stand up for myself. (Also according to IC the meds dulled the edge of the survival instinct I had before going on them so that it didn’t feel as negative to me to not stand on my own.)


I internalize to believe something wrong with me health wise, feeling “broken”. Couldn’t be emotions because I still felt them



Learned I am not fragile. That I am stronger than I ever thought and that I should see myself as healthy first, illness comes and goes not vice versa .. more about this in a later post.. still processing it..

Learned that my health is a direct result of my actions to keep it. If I put crap into my body, I’ll feel like crap. Working on the exercise thing to boost my energy levels and to have the healthy body so that I can do whatever I want activity wise..

Introduction of Internet into our lives.


Limited my internet activities so that the kids, work, GAL activities, and house come first, internet second. Internet a means to an end, not to be overused as an escape from reality.


I felt that son’s condition may have been due to difficult birth and blamed myself.


Accepted that regardless of the way my son came to be the way he is, he was meant to be gifted to me for a reason exactly the way he is. Everything and everyone happens for a reason.

I tried to start a business but it failed due to my lack of social skills and confidence in myself.

Accepted that H had a fault in the failure of my business. That I allowed him to influence the outcome and that future businesses could succeed as I know inside that I can


Spending more and more time researching and watching TV.


Researching for a specific purpose or need now. TV watch only specific shows occasionally and do not revolve my activities around either of them.

Nonexistent outside lives for either of us. It felt “comfortable” for me due to upbringing and my self esteem issues. (I now know at this point I had behaviourally regressed into the child I was while living with my parents. Feeling but not showing. Sex life down to a trickle at this point due to my low drive. Also, always stressed due to son, $$, emotional shut down, trying to look outside myself for what was wrong with me re: low drive.)

Getting in touch with my feelings so that I can tell when it feels uncomfortable or I am afraid of it, then there is a reason for that feeling. That I either have to push through or rethink things. Trying to become aware of when “the kid” is driving my actions, or the adult.



Totally co-dependent panic

Learned what it means to be co-dependent, what boundaries are, and how to create and enforce them. Remind myself what is my problem and what isn’t


Mom and her inability to live on her own (very co-dependant too).

I am taking the steps I and my children need to protect ourselves from her issues and not try and solve them for her (lifelong issue with me.. I have always done that). She and I cannot live together as my mental health is being impacted by hers and she is not willing to work on herself. I am letting her go to live the life she chooses to so I can live mine.

I have ostrich syndrome and don’t want to believe it.

Not hiding from anything any longer and listening to my gut feelings and instincts, regardless how difficult the information is emotionally.


---

Whew!

[Mila]

Wow DG - you have done amazing job on that list. That took courage digging really deep into those painful issues. I'm very impressed. You have come a long way baby

(((hugs)))

[seeking answers]

DG, I second what Mila said. You go girl!

[DiamondGirl]

Thanks Mila & SA...

The list turned out to be longer than I thought it would be, and I had worked on more than I thought I did.. It feels good to see progress in myself regardless of the R with H.

Having a moody day today.. Up and down moods but nothing drastic..

Thoughts of missing the old H are there, but they aren't acutely painful. Regret of not knowing everything I do now earlier in my M is there too, again, not as acute...

It feels like the calm before the storm as I know H will have the kids this weekend and I'll have to see him.

I do plan on being dressed to the nines in heels for the first time in years when he comes by to pick them up.. even though I'm only going for a coffee with a female friend.. LOL H won't know that though...

He actually called to talk to the kids last night.. just to say hi.. The cynical side says he's trying to build a case for joint custody.. the other hopes he's actually trying.. the whole of me dismisses it as irrelevant at this point and time..

I may be coming down with a cold too.. not fun if I am..

[DiamondGirl]

I got all dressed up as I planned... H was angry looking because he had tried to put off taking the kids since he had something else to do. He expected me to cave and cancel my plans tonight just because he wanted me to... Told him no way, that he knew what arrangements we made. He ended up getting SIL2 to come and meet us so he could do both. She's taking them to the house while H does whatever. SIL2 barely glanced at me and didn't reply to my greeting. Boy does that hurt as she and I were closer than I was with SIL1... I didn't let it show, just got in my car and got busy calling someone on my phone, acted all happy.

Turns out my plans fell through and I am literally all dressed up with no where to go.

...

Just found out why SIL2 didn't want to talk to me.. She's pissed that H convinced her to take the kids tonight...SIL1 just called and reamed me out for not agreeing to keep the kids until tomorrow..(I had told him I had plans and couldn't). Said that I should have cancelled my plans because they're my kids and they come before going out...

Told her that I ensured that I was there for the time they are with me and H should do the same since it's only every other weekend. I said I planned things when I knew I wouldn't have them and should not have to cancel because he asks nicely. I would not feel guilty for thinking of myself for the 25% of the time I don't have them.

She said she expected him to be irresponsible but not me...

I don't know why I tried to justify myself with her... It is none of her business anyway...

Wow. They enable him at every turn...And I am the bad guy again...

**sigh**

[seeking answers]

DG,

Don't waste one more second thinking about what any of them has to say. If sisters want to enable H then they can pay the consequences.

You're a great mom and doing the job for the majority of the time that was meant for two. You deserve your time and you're right, it is none of their business.

Sorry your plans fell through but, I bet you looked fabulous!

(((Hugs)))

[courageous wife]

Yes, DG...if you give in now then they will expect you to give in later...stand your ground!!!

[Mila]

DG - blood is blood, his sisters will likely support him, even if it's undeserved. I'm glad that you didn't cave in, I can relate how hard that must have been.

All dressed up and nowhere to go ...next time that happens at least go to the movies by yourself...why waste all that work getting all dolled up