That's why I'm going to try to go at least a bit dim (it will also be a 180 for me to be less available) ... flush him out a bit ... if he's interested, he'll pursue. If not, I won't notice 'cause I'll be too busy GALing
Pei,
Just sort of perusing and this really stood out to me.
Please do not do this as a ploy.
Good point. It does seem like that doesn't it. I think I need to continue 180s and do a better job of GAL. If that means I'm a little less available for real, then so be it. And if H calls and I am available, and I want the time with the family and H, AND I can enjoy it without expectation then so be it!
Originally Posted By: cat04
I understand that you want to know where this is headed, he!! we all would like the answser to that question, but I get the sense that you are still trying to manipulate the situation a bit.
Let this run it's course and do what you feel is best.If you can spend the time together and do it without having expectations, thoughts, about what it means, except hopefully an enjoyable time, do it.
THIS is going to by my focus.
Originally Posted By: cat04
If you can't because you want each indiviual interaction to mean that the M is reconciling, then I would be careful...
When you were dating, did you spend every date and time leading up to the date, wondering if this meant you were gonna get married? Or did you just enjoy the moment?
Good point. Thank you.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Denial is living as if some truth was not true. And...really it does have it own power.
In MLC we DENY that what the MLC currently sees, says, or believes is the ULTIMATE truth. Oh in many cases it IS the truth right now...but we deny that this is what the truth will always look like.
We HOPE that the MLC will resolve their issues and that we the LBSer will have the patience to outlast the ammount of time it takes for the MLCer to realize it.
In the meantime, the LBSer works on themeselves. Or they should.
Thanks jack... I KNOW what I am facing! I HOPE things will turn out the way I'd like them to!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
PEI...I have read some of your post...actually you have a very easy to read writing style...long, yes, but easy to read.
I would be glad to give some input if you want to point out specifically what it is that you want to know...
My husband didn't spew much either...and like yours, he pretty much avoided conflict which brought us to where we were several years ago...an abusive childhood...many similarities...I have noticed that it seems the worse the childhood the worse the MLC...
Also, like you, I did tend to be controlling...not consciously, like you, I was a fixer, a handler, a problem solver and solution provider...my H said he tried to tell me but I didn't hear it...believe me I did listen when he walked out the door...and I really thought it was too late but after much self-examination I really wanted to be a better person...I wasn't a malicious person or mean before...just strong and opinionated and oblivious as to how my H viewed me...funny, it was that personality that first attracted him...he liked that I was strong minded and could stand up and take care of matters...then he didn't have to...he used to affectionately call me his "mama pitbull" cause I would get the job done, work the best deal, and ultimately get what I wanted...all in a nice way but just didn't know how to take "no" for an answer...
So if there is something specific you would like my input on...ask away...I will keep tabs on this post...
You sound very together and definitely headed on the right track...I think you are much better at 180's then I was...
imLin, it sounds like your H needed to change, not you, but oh well. PEI, I feel one should not have to change one's true character. You can be more aware, perhaps, of affects on other people, but if you are a strong personality, then that is who you are. Right? They forget what attracted them to us in the first place (as imLin said), then suddenly it's not what they want. They rewrite the history of our marriages, and we (the strong personalities) are shown up as mean, or b!tches, or whatever. I tried the 180 change ... became more demure, handed everything over to H, and you know what, I am miserable and want to just leave. MLC sucks! And, I agree, that the worse the childhood, the worse the MLC and the longer. I think mine is still in the tunnel ... we just happen to be staying together.
Vent over! Sorry! I am having a bad week, maritally speaking.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
PEI...I have read some of your post...actually you have a very easy to read writing style...long, yes, but easy to read.
I would be glad to give some input if you want to point out specifically what it is that you want to know...
My husband didn't spew much either...and like yours, he pretty much avoided conflict which brought us to where we were several years ago...an abusive childhood...many similarities...I have noticed that it seems the worse the childhood the worse the MLC...
Also, like you, I did tend to be controlling...not consciously, like you, I was a fixer, a handler, a problem solver and solution provider...my H said he tried to tell me but I didn't hear it...believe me I did listen when he walked out the door...and I really thought it was too late but after much self-examination I really wanted to be a better person...I wasn't a malicious person or mean before...just strong and opinionated and oblivious as to how my H viewed me...funny, it was that personality that first attracted him...he liked that I was strong minded and could stand up and take care of matters...then he didn't have to...he used to affectionately call me his "mama pitbull" cause I would get the job done, work the best deal, and ultimately get what I wanted...all in a nice way but just didn't know how to take "no" for an answer...
So if there is something specific you would like my input on...ask away...I will keep tabs on this post...
You sound very together and definitely headed on the right track...I think you are much better at 180's then I was...
Take care Lin
Thanks for reading and posting ... I think it's just nice to have input and feedback from someone who's sitch is/was very similar. I have so many questions, and then at the same time I know that each sitch is different and how yours played out is not necessarily how mine is going to play out. Do you have a link to your sitch? I followed your posts and got some of it but would love to read through it all ...
OMG ... you literally could be describing ME! And I had no idea just how controlling my behaviour had become ... but boy can I see it now! I like to think I'm doing ok with 180s, but I feel like I have good intentions and then mess them up without seeing it coming. Case in point: I've been really emotional and weepy for a couple of days, having a lot of trouble not focusing on the OW etc ... last night was bad, lots of crying and venting in my journal. Didn't let H know last night - he texted me to tell me he's gotten an offer to contribute to a new local magazine and I called him to tell him congrats. Anyway ... I slept poorly and this morning was really off and sad and cranky when I landed home and something I said alerted H, he then found me in the bedroom crying and asked what was wrong and blah, blah, blah. I really didn't say much and he kinda just walked out. A few minutes later I asked him if he had a second and he came back down to the bedroom with me (away from the kids) and I apologized for being snappy, told him I was hormonal (PMS) and that I was extra edgy because of it. H said thanks ... said it was huge that I would even acknowledge the PMS and then come to him with it. He even hugged me. I guess I felt like this morning was a failure because I let so much show and my PMA wasn't leading the way, but maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought originally.
I guess I'm mostly wondering about how available/unavailable you were, did you continue to be intimate, did your H have an OW (sorry I forget), did you do MC ... ultimately what kind of things do you think moved you forward etc ...
thanks again Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
imLin, it sounds like your H needed to change, not you, but oh well. PEI, I feel one should not have to change one's true character. You can be more aware, perhaps, of affects on other people, but if you are a strong personality, then that is who you are. Right? They forget what attracted them to us in the first place (as imLin said), then suddenly it's not what they want. They rewrite the history of our marriages, and we (the strong personalities) are shown up as mean, or b!tches, or whatever. I tried the 180 change ... became more demure, handed everything over to H, and you know what, I am miserable and want to just leave. MLC sucks! And, I agree, that the worse the childhood, the worse the MLC and the longer. I think mine is still in the tunnel ... we just happen to be staying together.
Vent over! Sorry! I am having a bad week, maritally speaking.
Hi BeingMe, thanks for stopping by. I have to disagree with you here though ... there is a huge difference between being a strong personality and being controlling. Learning to take no for an answer and learning to respect other peoples opinions, methods, styles and skills is not mutually exclusive to being a strong personality. My H was attracted to my strength and abilities, but that did not give me license to unleash it all on him! My 180s do not include being demure or handing everything over to H ... but they do include SHARING opinions when appropriate, as opposed to IMPOSING them. And yes, there are times when the sharing of my opinions is not appropriate or appreciated. They do include handing over all the things that were H's responsibility that I had taken on over the years ... his money, parenting to some extent, fixing problems that come up, booking appts, etc.
I have not changed who I am, I'm just learning to take it down a notch. My way is not always the right way 'for someone else' ... this has been a big lesson for me. Different does not equal wrong or inferior ... another biggie.
I would suggest if you are miserable then you haven't made changes because you saw value in them ... and these changes are supposed to be for us. For me they were precipitated by H's MLC and how he feels. There were nuggets (some of them huge!) of truth in his view of me so that was where I started.
If you guys are together then you have an opportunity to really examine yourself here ... don't waste it ... figure out how to be true to BeingMe and meet the REAL needs of your H ... not his exagerated MLC spew.
Take care, Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
