WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

I'm doing a temp check on my issues and what I've worked on so far.. sorry it's a long post

I basically took all of what I wrote in my first post in Newcomers and took out what I knew I needed to work on from there. I know there is more to work on, but I needed to start somewhere.. LOL


Childhood issue: “I lived with my parents before marriage. Never on my own so no life skills learned at this point. “

Have taken over the reins in my household. Have been handling the bills and the crisis with the house on my own. Have been handling repair to car, getting rid of stuff and redecorating home on my own.

Am in the process of getting my mom ready to move out. My choice to ensure that the people around me daily are positive and emotionally stable, and not negative role models for my children.


Childhood issue: “Sexual abuse “


Figured out the missing link that wasn’t addressed in therapy over 20 years ago. There is a disconnect between sex and emotion/intimacy in my mind/thoughts/belief system. Will work on it with IC after rest of life stabilized further re: home life/routine/finances


Childhood issue: “social isolation”


Joined meetup groups (and actually went to some) Learning what a healthy childhood consists of so I don’t do the same to my kids


Childhood issue: “emotional neglect (non-demonstrative; rejection); “


I remind myself to express my love to/for my friends and children daily and not just think it.

I have put my feelings/thoughts on the table, risking rejection and the ridicule I expected to have due to upbringing.


Childhood issue: “crisis management or healthy coping skills. “


Learned to do nothing and breathe. That time can work things out on its own and to allow solutions to come to my mind naturally and not force things.

Learned to be good to myself first, pamper myself at times, sleep, eat, working on the exercise part…


Became financially dependent on him


He has not given me a dime.. I’ve actually become financially independent as a result and intend to continue that way regardless of whether I am in a relationship or not. I realize it is a necessity for my self esteem and feelings of self worth to be financially independent and stable. I am in the process of separating myself from my mother’s input into my household finances, and will find something to substitute loss of funds from her.


Developed low self esteem due to mixed feelings of baby, job loss, weight issues and felt as if I was a burden on WAH instead of a partner.


Learned to separate what is under my control and not. That it was my responsibility to look after my emotional health. That feelings are transient and not fatal. To make conscious decisions on how I will allow my feelings to influence my actions.

Didn’t tell him my feelings


I express my feelings to people and try to do so with empathy. Still learning how to do that.

My feelings of inadequacy.


Learned that I am just fine the way I am. That I am a work in progress and that it is perfectly fine to be that way. That this is a life long journey and there is no need to feel inadequate as it will never end and there is no grading.

Childhood issue: Didn’t feel like I was a natural mother due to no experience around other kids.


Have insisted upon my mother to step back and allow me to deal with my children on my own without her input. Am going by my gut as to what I will accept from them and not, how to stand my ground with them and be firm, cuddle them when I feel they need it, try to look at things from their angle.

Childhood issue: Had no clue due to upbringing how to interact with children or how to amuse them.


Consciously try to think of games and play songs that I know my kids will like. Trying to involve them in things I do around the house to teach them as well as spend quality time… Am still working on this one…

Childhood issue: Did not connect with other SAHM in morning programs.


Learning about all kinds of relationships (not just romantic) and how to make friends and connect with others at a deeper level. Practicing it by chatting with friends online and making new friends online and in person. Trying to arrange play dates with friends with kids. Will arrange a bbq with friends later this year. Thinking of starting my own meetup group..

Felt lost and wanted to go back to work but did not tell WAH. Didn’t have family or friends to turn to who would understand what I was going through.


Reached out to old friends and family and allowed them to be there for me and expressed my feelings to them. Consciously trying to be there for them as well and cultivate the friendships so it isn’t one sided. Still working on it…

Childhood issue: I became very stressed and withdrawn and stopped showing him positive emotion (regressed to childhood coping mechanism)


When I feel stressed and want to withdraw I do so only for a short time and spend that time doing something for me. (nap by the lake, coffee in a coffee shop, browse a bookstore, drive aimlessly…)

I found that doing so I naturally felt positive more often and it was easier to smile, laugh, and joke around

WAH contributed to it by catering to my every need instead of letting me do stuff on my own.


So far I have: changed my own headlight and rear wiper blades, cleaned out the garage (yes, lifting heavy boxes too), cleaned out the yard with a whipper snipper I never used before, installed mirrored closet doors, installed fire alarm, learned how to use a snowblower…

Upcoming projects: repair washer, repair glass top stove element, clean out basement, repair handrail on stairs, steam clean carpets (and repair cat damaged places), take down dead trees in yard, install gravel walkways and patio area outside, remove ugly outdoor carpeting from front and back porch…


Plus he treated me like I was fragile since episode. It became easier to just let him than try and stand up for myself. (Also according to IC the meds dulled the edge of the survival instinct I had before going on them so that it didn’t feel as negative to me to not stand on my own.)


I internalize to believe something wrong with me health wise, feeling “broken”. Couldn’t be emotions because I still felt them



Learned I am not fragile. That I am stronger than I ever thought and that I should see myself as healthy first, illness comes and goes not vice versa .. more about this in a later post.. still processing it..

Learned that my health is a direct result of my actions to keep it. If I put crap into my body, I’ll feel like crap. Working on the exercise thing to boost my energy levels and to have the healthy body so that I can do whatever I want activity wise..

Introduction of Internet into our lives.


Limited my internet activities so that the kids, work, GAL activities, and house come first, internet second. Internet a means to an end, not to be overused as an escape from reality.


I felt that son’s condition may have been due to difficult birth and blamed myself.


Accepted that regardless of the way my son came to be the way he is, he was meant to be gifted to me for a reason exactly the way he is. Everything and everyone happens for a reason.

I tried to start a business but it failed due to my lack of social skills and confidence in myself.

Accepted that H had a fault in the failure of my business. That I allowed him to influence the outcome and that future businesses could succeed as I know inside that I can


Spending more and more time researching and watching TV.


Researching for a specific purpose or need now. TV watch only specific shows occasionally and do not revolve my activities around either of them.

Nonexistent outside lives for either of us. It felt “comfortable” for me due to upbringing and my self esteem issues. (I now know at this point I had behaviourally regressed into the child I was while living with my parents. Feeling but not showing. Sex life down to a trickle at this point due to my low drive. Also, always stressed due to son, $$, emotional shut down, trying to look outside myself for what was wrong with me re: low drive.)

Getting in touch with my feelings so that I can tell when it feels uncomfortable or I am afraid of it, then there is a reason for that feeling. That I either have to push through or rethink things. Trying to become aware of when “the kid” is driving my actions, or the adult.



Totally co-dependent panic

Learned what it means to be co-dependent, what boundaries are, and how to create and enforce them. Remind myself what is my problem and what isn’t


Mom and her inability to live on her own (very co-dependant too).

I am taking the steps I and my children need to protect ourselves from her issues and not try and solve them for her (lifelong issue with me.. I have always done that). She and I cannot live together as my mental health is being impacted by hers and she is not willing to work on herself. I am letting her go to live the life she chooses to so I can live mine.

I have ostrich syndrome and don’t want to believe it.

Not hiding from anything any longer and listening to my gut feelings and instincts, regardless how difficult the information is emotionally.


---

Whew!