Thanks to you all! I think not giving a damn gives you more power - at least, I believe that's what's happened these past few days.
+ Singles mother benefits is the money you get from the govt for being a single mum. It's quite a bit of money, yes.
+I am still thinking about the names. Getting more emails from WH about the surname thing. Says it's for her, not him. (G, I really like your naming rationale. If it fits, go with it).
+ Get a call from MIL about the surname thing, saying she loves me and supports me and hates what her son is doing but hopes i wont be vindictive over names and that the baby should also carry his surname. I ask her to butt out.
+ Other things happen: I ask BIL (who has a just found a great job and will stay at least 6months or a year) if they want to live with me & share costs in the long term. He's not sure. Then he says what does WH want to do with the apartment. Looks a bit upset when I say I don't really give a damn and he wont be a 50-50 owner as part of any divorce.
+ WH sms's at 6pm saying he is coming at 10 in the morning to collect his stuff. I tell him that is not a decent amount of warning, but am letting him come anyway to get half his stuff.
+ He will collect his skis and I just know that Mr Poor Man will find the money somewhere to hit the slopes. Darn it.
+ I have started sending WH lots of emails asking for explanations for all kinds of things, including when is he going to announce to everyone that he and OW are official and will he be living with her when he returns to Europe.
I am so over him gals, and not wanting to be with someone who doesn't value me (even if he was the love of my life), feels so much better than Po Beeping it.
Not sure counseling would solve anything.. but perhaps mediation to help seperate assets...
my opinion about the inistense on the surname- what is wrong with these people? If you and your WH divorced but your WH was willing to stay in the country, regulary be a part of your daughter's life would that change your opinion? I am being curious.
I just ask because if my WH took off and wanted to "drop in" every now and then I certainly would not have let my S have his surname!!!
Bo peep might work as an initial attempt when they still live with us. I mean that's why it's called Plan A and not The Plan. Plan B-separation and dark/dim is supposed to follow in 3 months time. (I don't know anymore- like Melody said, she thinks maybe spouses are like kids where one approach doesn't fit all!)
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Who supports what you want? Do you have people there with you who agree with some of the stands you're taking?
It's really difficult to navigate with in-laws! Even though it doesn't work with my sitch very well right now, I still think it's a good idea to "not talk" about WH stuff with them at all.
"Being vindictive" over the name-- it doesn't have to be! It can just be a calm, thought-out decision. (I'm rolling my eyes at MIL.)
Collecting his stuff-- are there any things you guys might argue about? I'd get ready now and put them on a mediation list to go over with a 3rd party.
I totally understand being over WH. I'm kind of getting there, too.
My only thing is-- a civilized separation is better than a contentious one! Just stay strictly logical and interested in peaceful separation.
Good luck, P. This separation crap will be over soon. I'm glad that mine is in the past!
Sounds like a bratty little child is not getting his way, so he is trying to be spiteful! So immature!!!
Let him collect his skiis! Deep inside he probably needs to have something to do to occupy his time since he cant be normal and be in the baby's life. Skiing will NOT fill his void!!!
I am just sad for him because he should want to be in the same country and want to participate in his child's lifeand so on for his own sake, and because he wants to. No, its not easier for usbut it would help you raise the baby and also be beneficial (although not necessary) for the child. Do you girls realize that in all of this we can not even focus on the separation or divorce because new babies make things so not about us! Like our M are completely back burned and focus on them being parents. Not Fair At All!!! I do believe he doesnt know how to do this coparenting thing without him feeling like it could only work if the two of you are together. But Shame on him for not wanting to work out a normal plan in simply co-parenting. Wonder if he is getting pressure from OW. If so, he will end up resenting her sooner than later... and sucks for her to not be normal enough to say HEY GUY... what kind of person are you to leave your newborn child!!!
If I were you I would still consider a mediator... not a counselor as you said, but someone to help bring things to a calm resolution.
Hope the dr. appt went okay concerning your baby girl's hip!! We miss you!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
sorry girls, had a BAD couple of days with WH. At my Dad's and computer access not what it was... but i plan to log on tonight during feeds and catch up. a bientot!
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Ok, let's begin with her hip. We need to do another ultrasound in 4 weeks, but they're pretty confident she'll be fine. Goodo.
WH came to get his stuff. He asked me about the name, and it shat me. So I said, "And you, WH, who do you plan on living with when you return o/seas". And he said "OW. I love her, and she loves me". At which point I went crazy at him, and said "You knew this from Day 1, and you have deliberately drip fed me your intentions and plans to placate me, and taken advantage of my good faith in you to eventually do the right thing."
For the first time ever, my mother, who was home, intervened and told WH that she felt it would be best if he left the country now and got out of our lives.
This was very full-on for my mother, who always handles things with grace.
WH got half his stuff (the rest needed to be sorted & he'd not given enough warning for that) and left.
Send him an sms today saying I was devastated and what are we going to do since we clearly can't communicate at all anymore.
Receive an email tonight suggesting a "family law psychologist" mediate things from now on & how he is now afraid of how he can see the baby since things are now so bad between us.
Writes a few paragraphs about his job situation and how he now needs to look for work in Europe. NO MENTION THAT THE REASON HE IS GOING BACK TO SHACK UP WITH OW!!!!
It read like a 'legal' type of letter, although we have no 'fault laws' so don't know why he'd want to keep covering up his infidelity?!
G, you did well to backburn and seperate properly from your WH before the birth. This stuff is really getting to me....
Glad to hear there is no big concern for her hip! Im sure it will all be okay!
So disgusted to hear about your WH. He is in love with her? PUKE! BLAH! GROSS! How dare he!!!! When he shouldve been falling in love with his unborn child, he was busy making life about himself! 1st attempt to being a father = failed! (same goes for my H).
So sorry you have to go through this... glad to hear your mom was there to help you and side with you. As much as it hurts wouldnt it be easier to just have be honest once and for all. He tells you he plans to move back and yet goes on about the job search... whatever! He needs to grow up and get the strength to be respectful and honest!
in all of this... in all of our sitches, i realize one thing... the lack of respect! Was it so hard for any of our WAS to be honest and respectful and say hey... this is how i feel... instead of being worried about themselves.
Im sorry Piano. Try not to let his actions and stupidity consume you... in the end you won! You have a beautiful baby girl!!! Everytime you get sad or angry, just give her a hug and know that she will get you through it... we have to believe they are angel babies...
(((HUGS))) As soon as your WH's crap is out of the apartment, and you get in a little routine with your baby, there will be a strange sense of relief that he is out of your life. I mean the current WH. Of course we expect you will be terribly sad and mourn the loss of your marriage, as you should! But post away here and we will support you!
It is winter, there, right? And you get to snuggle up with your baby girl!
So here is a good time to mention some positives I found about not having H around while taking care of S:
+you don't have to worry about neglecting H's needs
+you don't have to worry about feeling bad for turning down LM because you're so tired
+you don't have to worry about shaving your legs (if that is something you do)
+you don't have to worry about having milk all over you and spit up and being grouchy/depressed from hormones and still trying to stay in a decent mood
I'm sure there is more than I listed!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
