Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Thanks Gucci, Puppy, Gr8 and Glimmerman.

Gucci, I really did a lot of thinking about your post. I've read it several times since yesterday before I posted my reply. It definitely got me thinking. Got me to take a hard look at myself on some issues.

Critical spirit. I've never heard that before. Did a lot of thinking on this one. I never saw myself this way. I felt like I always tried to put my W on a pedestal and build her up everyday. I used to joke with her about the housework. Maybe she took it a different way then I intended? However, I thought she joked about her not doing such a great job too. I've benn thinking of other ways thoughout the M that I might have been a critical spirit to W.

I think my W has always had self esteem issues. Her weight was always an issue for her and she grew up in a difficult household. Her father was very demanding and never there for her emotionally. Her mother had her own set of issues. I think when I came along many years ago it was like she finally had someone who cared about her. I was someone who put her first and told her what a wonderful person she is.

I know that I can be a very controlling person at times. It's something that I've been working on to fix. When I owned my company I was the one in charge of great responsibilities. Very, very stressful. I know it took a huge toll on my W. I often thought that maybe I should have just closed the company earlier and done something else because I knew how much it stressed my W. However, I felt like it was what I wanted to do. I wondered if I would resent my W if I felt like I gave up my company for her. I don't know. It was such a crazy time on our lives.

Getting back to the critical spirit. Yes, maybe I do come off that way a bit. I don't mean to. I guess I'm just used to doing things my way. That doesn't mean that I didn't do what my W wanted. I would often ask her what she wanted. Sometimes I feel like she didn't tell me what she really wanted to do in certain situations.

The year before she left I became a very weak man. She would ask me questions and I would say that we could do whatever she wanted. Little things even, like when we would go out to dinner. She would ask me where I wanted to go and I would say wherever she wanted to go. Boy, we used to have 20 minute conversations sometimes just deciding on a place to eat. I know it used to aggravate her because I think she just wanted me to take charge. I think a lot of that for me was due to my depression though. I felt so bad for not having a job that I wanted to please her and do whatever she wanted. I think during this time I grew to be afraid of my W because I felt like I was in the weaker position with no job. I knew she was upset with me. I guess I kept thinking that I could get myself straightened out on my own (again thinking I was in control of myself), get a job, get over my depression and make everything better. There wasn't a day that went by during that time when I didn't think about wanting to provide a better life for my W and I. I don't know why I just couldn't do it. I felt stuck.

Gucci, I really liked these comments...

Then I start analyzing it to death. Why did she do it?

Guilt. Your email to her that you handled it ALLOWED her to finally feel the guilt. You have kept her from feeling guilty.
Once you let go of her vacuuming, she was free to do it out of choice and not because YOU wanted it done. (keep that in mind and notice how good it works when you let go of things and let them make their own choices)

I need to think of what else I might be doing that I can change/stop so that my W can make her own choices. Right now I feel like I'm not controlling because there's not much her and I talk about. I will take a hard look at this though. I don't want to control her and more importantly I want her to feel that I am not controlling her.

Regarding the gym, yes, I will do whatever it takes to be at the gym when my W isn't there. I have been trying to do that lately. Going much later in the evening as she usually goes just after the dinner hour. Recently she has been there very late when I'm there. Anyway, I'll figure something out. When I do go if I see her car I will leave. I know you said not to look for her car but I want to make sure she's not there before I go in. I agree 100% that she FEELS that I am trying to be there when she is.

I wasn't trying to be critical of her when I mentioned she emailed me back on Sunday or about her only vacuuming the first floor. I was just making observations but I can see how this comes off as critical. I will work on that. Her responding from her maiden name email doesn't bother me so much. I sent my email to that address so she simply responded from that email. I was surprised that she emailed me back on Sunday night. She usually never contacts me on the weekend, only during the week. I thought that was good. I was "happy" about that. I was so glad to see that she vacuumed. I didn't care if she vacuumed just one room. When I went into the house and saw that she vacuumed I was elated. Her copying me on the email to the agent was icing on the cake. Three things she did that I asked for. Yes, I am most certainly happy about that.

Thanks again Gucci. Your post got me to really think and look at myself. I did email W yesterday with what you said, thanked her, told her I appreciated it and it looked good. I guess the best thing to do now is sit back and wait for her?