SG cracks me up. She always busts my ballz that I give too much "strong stance" advice, and then she tells everyone "You're in great hands with Sandi!" when Sandi is tougher than I am!!
The dirty little secret is that Allen and I and Gooch and Robx all cower beneath our computer desks in a fetal position when Sandi starts lobbing "tough love" grenades!!! LOL
Thank you Sandi for the busting my onions! Coming from a WAW I take what you say to heart.
Had very limited contact with WW yesterday...ate dinner at the table with the kids...WW was on couch watching Oprah. Took kids to park for awhile...WW was at a meeting when we got home...got the kids to bed...WW came home did some laundry and I went to sleep.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
What I'm gathering from your responses is it's all about setting the boundaries and then following through with the consequences.
Sandi...I was encouraged by the "you have the ability to make me love you again" but I think she is cake eating because she has said repeatedly "why should I give up friendship with OM...he is like a really good female friend and is like family to me...he understands me...I'm worried about him"
Last edited by loweinsd51; 06/08/1002:05 PM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
What I'm gathering from your responses is it's all about setting the boundaries and then following through with the consequences.
Sandi...I was encouraged by the "you have the ability to make me love you again" but I think she is cake eating because she has said repeatedly "why should I give up friendship with OM...he is like a really good female friend and is like family to me...he understands me...I'm worried about him"
That's the beauty of boundaries, Lowe. They're different from "ultimatums," because boundaries are about YOU. In this case, you would say "I understand; thank you for being honest with me. I, however, cannot live in an open marriage where my wife puts her friendship -- assuming I believe you, and we both know you're lying to me right now -- ahead of her marriage. I guess I have some thinking to do."
Boundaries are about YOU; ultimatums are about THEM:
From my personal archives:
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
In this case, you would say "I understand; thank you for being honest with me. I, however, cannot live in an open marriage where my wife puts her friendship -- assuming I believe you, and we both know you're lying to me right now -- ahead of her marriage. I guess I have some thinking to do."
I like that...and a check of the phone records this morning shows several texts between the two in the early morning while everyone was asleep.
Puppy Dog, my question is: after Sundays blowup and the letter I gave to WW, is it to early to try the above approach or should I wait until our next MC session?
How about something like "I understand you don't want to end your friendship with OM; thank you for being honest with me. I, however, cannot live in an open marriage where my wife puts her friendship -- assuming I believe you, and we both know you're lying to me right now -- ahead of her marriage. I guess I have some thinking to do."
Thank you all for your support
Last edited by loweinsd51; 06/08/1002:38 PM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
How about something like "I understand you don't want to end your friendship with OM; thank you for being honest with me. I, however, cannot live in an open marriage where my wife puts her friendship -- assuming I believe you, and we both know you're lying to me right now -- ahead of her marriage. I guess I have some thinking to do."
I don't like the lead -- it accepts her premise. Which, let's face it, this morning's contact with OM pretty much disputes.
You could either do it now, or you could make a stand in front of the MC, if you think they would be supportive. Something along the lines of "Look, I'm more than willing to face up to my own contributions to the problems in our marriage. But I'm not going to waste my time, nor my family's finances, nor will I disrespect YOU, (MC), by not being completely honest with each other in these sessions. (then turn to wife) (Wife), thank you for being honest with me, at least, about the contact with OM itself. I, however, cannot live in an open marriage where my wife puts her friendship -- assuming I believe you, and we both pretty much know you're lying to me right now -- ahead of her marriage. Now we can either put this thing right out on the table, in all its glory, and call it what it is -- an emotional affair, at least -- and try to DEAL with it, or I guess I have some thinking to do. Because this is just a sham to ignore it."
You could either do it now, or you could make a stand in front of the MC, if you think they would be supportive. Something along the lines of "Look, I'm more than willing to face up to my own contributions to the problems in our marriage. But I'm not going to waste my time, nor my family's finances, nor will I disrespect YOU, (MC), by not being completely honest with each other in these sessions. (then turn to wife) (Wife), thank you for being honest with me, at least, about the contact with OM itself. I, however, cannot live in an open marriage where my wife puts her friendship -- assuming I believe you, and we both pretty much know you're lying to me right now -- ahead of her marriage. Now we can either put this thing right out on the table, in all its glory, and call it what it is -- an emotional affair, at least -- and try to DEAL with it, or I guess I have some thinking to do. Because this is just a sham to ignore it." Puppy
I like the wording in the above version much better...
MC has already told us that there is not much they can do if WW refuses to end contact with OM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
Ah, you guys! (LOL)