What I'm gathering from your responses is it's all about setting the boundaries and then following through with the consequences.
Sandi...I was encouraged by the "you have the ability to make me love you again" but I think she is cake eating because she has said repeatedly "why should I give up friendship with OM...he is like a really good female friend and is like family to me...he understands me...I'm worried about him"
That's the beauty of boundaries, Lowe. They're different from "ultimatums," because boundaries are about YOU. In this case, you would say "I understand; thank you for being honest with me. I, however, cannot live in an open marriage where my wife puts her friendship -- assuming I believe you, and we both know you're lying to me right now -- ahead of her marriage. I guess I have some thinking to do."
Boundaries are about YOU; ultimatums are about THEM:
From my personal archives:
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
