reconciliation after divorce?

[FindingMyVoice]

Being cut out is what hurts, not the concept of D.

Yes, I can appreciate that it must hurt terribly. I feel for you and my heart goes out to you for it. I know, though, that you can handle it. You can rise above this. You're not suppressing what you're feeling, and in doing so, you will be able to move past it. You cannot work through that which you cannot acknowledge. I know it's a long road. Remember those baby steps.

On another note, I meant to mention that liked something dday had said above... he said you had a life before her - I think that deserves some thought. What does AC want from his life, outside of a R? What types of things does he enjoy doing for fun?

[any chance?]

OK. Have not communicated with W for the last week. First time that has happened in 19 years. Not really clear whether shes cares to communicate with me at all anyway. Strange feeling, but I am resisting the impulse to contact her.

I am taking the advice of the wise ones here and dropping the rope as much as possible. When I return home late next week, W is going to file for D, and then the 4 month clock begins. As I have said here before, she is very focussed on the D, and clearly thinks it is her way out of depression.
I am going to let her do whatever she wants. Resisting the D seems counterproductive at this time, if that makes any sense.

So I do have a question: Wether it is depression, the OM or the WAW syndrome, is it common for a spouse to simply want to cut their LBS completely out of there lives? Is this a common stage in the process? Or should it be viewed that our R and M are totally gone and I should just move on and not look back?

Thank you for your support, and, trust me, I am beginning to focus on myself and my well being and doing my best not to be consumed by this sitch. I am trying, I really am.

[TimeHeals]

So I do have a question: Wether it is depression, the OM or the WAW syndrome, is it common for a spouse to simply want to cut their LBS completely out of there lives?

Yes, it's normal: they want to get on with their new lives. It's good for you too right now.

Or should it be viewed that our R and M are totally gone and I should just move on and not look back?

Even if your W were to decide she made a mistake, your R and M are over now. She has moved out and filed for divorce. That is the reality. You have no choice but to let go and move forward.

It' time to become comfortable not knowing what the future will bring, and then to start making your own plans and living your own life without worrying about what your W is doing.

[any chance?]

So how do you know when it is time to give up hope?

Yes, I know patience is crucial, and I know these situations take time. I am currently NC, and have been working very hard on dropping the rope. I am working on myself and trying to end my obsession with my sitch. Some days it works, and some days it doesn't.

W is very depressed, and has been for well over a year. She has focussed on D, and that procedure will start next week when I get back from my trip. She is in denial about emotional connection with OM, who is biding his time and waiting to divorce his W until he wins over my W. Otherwise she has very little contact with anyone else. She has no interest in communicating with me, and mutual friends say that she is 'done' with me and our M. Same friends say W is thinking only of herself and is very selfish (the complete opposite of the way she used to be).

I have said this here before, and many of you may be sick of hearing it, but it is an all consuming thought: part of me thinks I should continue to GAL, be here for her when she needs me (which does not seem likely), and hope that she comes out of her depressive fog at some point, and part of me says I should listen to our mutual friends and walk away and not look back.

I am back home in four days. Need to figure out how I am going to handle this. I am planning on following the advise of Abbey, dday and others and be strong and confident, focus on myself. Just wish I knew if I should just write her our of my life forever as she seems to be doing to me.

[TimeHeals]

So how do you know when it is time to give up hope?

You mean, "How do you stop wanting to change somebody you can't change?".

You make up your mind that you will be fine with or without them, and then you focus on living your own life.

[FindingMyVoice]

Hey AC, just wanted to stop by your thread and see how you were doing.

[futureunknown]

I have said this here before, and many of you may be sick of hearing it, but it is an all consuming thought: part of me thinks I should continue to GAL, be here for her when she needs me (which does not seem likely), and hope that she comes out of her depressive fog at some point, and part of me says I should listen to our mutual friends and walk away and not look back.

AC-

You can do both! Maybe you can't see it now, but you can. This doesn't need to be absolutely resolved in you all at once. Even if you wanted to, you can't force it to be resolved. You can move on, live your life, yet occassionally look back. If enough time goes by and you see no change, the time between your looks will get longer and longer, until eventually you notice you're not looking back any more. Then, maybe then, this will be resolved in you.

What if she was in the military, and was sent away on a six month tour of duty, one where she'd have no opportunity to contact you. What would you do? You'd live your life, and that's what you should do now. Think of it that way if you need to.

I will say this though, as I have said to you before. Do NOT let her come swooping into your life, and lay a big fat, oh-woe-is-me, it's-all-your-fault, goose egg in your lap whenever she wants. If she tries, stop her in her tracks and tell her you accept responsibility for your part in the collapse of your marriage, you are working on yourself, you are willing to work with her on the marriage, but you are NOT willing to let her dump her garbage on you. Then go about your business and live your life.

[any chance?]

Update:
My 3 weeks business trip is drawing to a close, and I return home the day after tomorrow. Then the fun begins.

Had no contact with W before last night. Talked to several friends yesterday who all report W serious focus on the D. This is where she is going. Spent yesterday accepting that fact seriously for the first time, I think. I am getting D. Don't want it, but cannot do anything about it. Have a L appointment on Thursday. W is using the D, and the issues surrounding it (financial split, dividing home items, finding a new house) to focus all her energies to help her out of her depression. Says "she needs to do this for me". Friends say she is being very selfish and is only focused on herself. So I resigned myself to the inevitable.

Then she called last night. Sounded heavily medicated, with slow speech. She recently adjusted her meds, which were really screwing her up. Small talk for a while, then she tells me we have a L/mediation appointment on Friday (day after I return). Talks alot about herself. Says she is sorry she took so long to call, it is good to talk to me, etc. Wants me to call her on the return trip. She sounded very, very messed up and still very confused. She has been told she is reacting this D situation in an unusual fashion, heavily, heavily emotional, very concerned about me, can't talk to anyone about M without crying. Says she has not thought about the trip she is taking next week because she is moving one day at a time. She says she has to think about staying in the house when I get back, because I make her anxious.

She is leaning heavily on the OM, who she maintains is one of her only friends, for emotional support. I know he has other ideas.

Is this all 'normal' behavior? Some insight would be appreciated.

[TimeHeals]

Says "she needs to do this for me".

This is code for, "I am really doing this for myself, but I don't want to be the bad guy here, and so I will tell you it is for you. Gee, I feel better already".

Sounded heavily medicated, with slow speech. She recently adjusted her meds, which were really screwing her up

How terribly attractive.

very concerned about me

Yes, she is so concerned about YOU that she is asking for a divorce.

She is concerned--really--about her own feelings of guilt.

because I make her anxious.

She is so concerned about you that she tells you that you make her feel like crap. What's not to love about that?

She is leaning heavily on the OM, who she maintains is one of her only friends, for emotional support.

She is so concered about you that you do not matter, but OM does. He's the only one in her life (aside from herself) that matters now.

At some point you have to ask yourself why you want somebody who is basically saying you do not matter (only OM and her guilt matter) to be living in the same house as you.

It's become thoughtlessly cruel and manipulative.

You need to stop allowing these kind of talks at any rate. The next time she tries to tell you what she is doing is for you and so on, just tell her "I don't really believe that" and walk away... unless you are ready to tell her to move out.

[dday101798]

Is this all 'normal' behavior? Some insight would be appreciated.

Contrary to the negative insight already offered...........

No, this is not "normal behavior" in the terms of how the vast majority of situation end here. And in that is why I post to YOU, AC. I see a substantial bit of my (x)W's actions in the postings of which you describe your W, you, and your sitch.