still separated, headed for D?

[gatsby11]

Rings: I feel like my left finger is 'naked' from time to time. But I don't think anyone notices AT ALL. I know students are different from adults, but I haven't been wearing my ring since January and no kids said anything. And they would have if they had noticed! (They certainly made comments if my hair looked weird or my outfit was buttoned wrong or whatever!)

I wonder if the other moms really did change their behavior, NM, or if it was your perception. Because if all of you notice rings so much, maybe most people do and I'm whack! Aaaahhh!

And I guess I'd be more interested in a mom without a ring. Yeah, I guess I'm just 'out there'!

true confessions by the anonymous to the anonymous...

Love it.

[Babydoll]

I asked H for his ring back... i used to say for sentimental reasons, and last week i said I wanted to sell it and gt money to bu the baby something, he said NO that he wants it... yet he stopped wearing it days after he left... i knew he meant business when I saw he didnt wear it bc he always did.

My finger feels naked too... once n a while i forget that I am not wearing it for a reason and think i left it somewhere like a sink to wash my hands... then reality sets in.

I did have an elderly couple at work as why i wasnt wearing my band if I was pregnant, i lied and said my fingers were swollen from the pregnancy... seriously people!!!! get a life!!!

Had I told them the truth, they would have fell over in shock

[newmama]

lol! I can't stay away! well I spent waaaay less time on here today than yesterday.

About the rings:
no one has ever said anything to me about not wearing a wedding ring. When I was pregnant, I bet people assumed my fingers were too swollen (they were). After the baby was born, I never put a ring on but people that didn't know about my sitch still never thought anything of it. Truthfully, the ring didn't fit so I figured I would say that if someone asked.

I asked WH to give me his ring last April. He wrote some sloppy sentimental note that said something about how he wanted it back some day to always remember and cherish the special years we had together. ???? I still have it. He was worried I was going to throw it away! Something I always wondered about was if I didn't ask him to give it to me, would he have kept wearing it to put up a front? I doubt OW would like that much, lol!

I think you are right, Gatsby, that it was in my head about the perception! But I put the ring in my purse just in case I want it for another time. Once I am divorced, I will not wear the ring ever!

BD- yeah it is NONE of their business why you aren't wearing a ring! Sheesh! Some religions don't allow their followers to wear jewelry. And my parents (who are divorced now) didn't wear wedding rings ever. Never got around to buying them for each other. Weird, huh?

[newmama]

one more thing- I am totally going ziplining! Sometime within the next month! I am telling WH- changing my plan up a little to be able to at least share some of my adventurous playful side with him so he can see what he is throwing away!!!

[courageous wife]

one more thing- I am totally going ziplining! Sometime within the next month! I am telling WH- changing my plan up a little to be able to at least share some of my adventurous playful side with him so he can see what he is throwing away!!!

I think that is an awesome idea!!!!

[newmama]

gotta go to bed but just wanted to say that I think I am on to something. I think that by being too distant, I didn't get a chance to share what fun and interesting things I was doing, so how could WH get a chance to shake his perception of me? I was mom-nice woman around the house, then I was gone and doing something and never spoke of it.

So how could he know that I was more than mom-nice woman? You see, there are disadvantages to being mysterious, distant, and having no contact. I should have scheduled a few more sessions with the DB coach I guess. It is good to act mysterious and distant for awhile, but then you need to let them see what you are doing at some point! (unless your goal is ONLY to detach- then screw what they think, lol!) I mean if you are trying to use your actions to show them you have improved (which of course you are doing for you in case they don't come back), then they need to be able to see and know about your actions!


(Citygirl- thank you!your harsh truth about him seeing me only as a mom helped to inspire this aha-but I am still going to bring up D in 4 weeks.)

[Piano]

On the ring thing: I felt really horrible not wearing mine.. Then when my fingers became swollen with the pregnancy and post birth also, I just couldn't wear them. Now I wear them from time to time. I just love my rings, so reckon I'd wear them anyway... even post divorce. Maybe swapping hands or fingers, though.

[newmama]

If my wedding ring didn't look like such a wedding ring I would wear it on my other hand! Don't know what I will do with it in the future.

FM- if you are reading this, I have been thinking about 2 things you posted:
1)about the danger of becoming deeply disappointed when hoping for an unrealistic outcome (can't remember the word)

just wanted to say that I am aware of that...have been thinking that it is realistic to know my odds are slim. This will help me over the next few weeks.

2) instead of issuing an ultimatum, to be the "going, going, gone" girl. I think that is what I am focusing on for these next few weeks.

thank you for sharing those perspectives.

[newmama]

OK am totally excited about my last hurrah and if I will be going down with the ship, it won't be some rickety depressing fishing boat--but a Carnival Cruiseliner! No, I am not taking any new medication...I have no idea where this inspiration came from! Maybe a culmination of events over the last week?

I think it's because since I am imposing an end to this limbo, I feel more daring to try something different. (What have I got to lose? WH already said he wants to divorce me.) Also because the more I set my "single parent life" up, the more I get excited about new possibilities and see divorce is not the end of the world. (UNFORTUNATELY THIS IS WHERE I MUST GLOSS OVER becoming a part time mom due to divorce and the effects of divorce on S....compartmentalization...necessary for survival...)

So I do want to report these things:

1) last night I went shopping and bought some clothes (S was with WH and my chest cold made it too hard to work out anyway)

2)I decided to let WH know I was working on the bathroom and this time, when he offered to help, I said "thanks- that would be great!"

3)WH asked me about why I wanted to change the drop off bedtime for S. I explained and he said he would compensate by taking time off work earlier on those days. Sure enough, he has done so yesterday and today! haha-I said I could meet him in the parking lot and he said "THANK YOU- I really appreciate it!" poor guy- all that driving! boo hoo

4)WH was concerned about MY chest cold, gave me some advice for treatment and told me he would take S for me if I got too sick and then told me to always feel free to call him if I need anything, he really means it (gee-could he miss not being needed???)

5)Between yesterday and today I informed WH about:

+me ziplining (his jaw dropped and he asked me if I was scared and where was I going)

+asked for his input on whether I should take S on a jet boat ride (he suggested I get a baby life jacket at Costco--this is so H of my WH!)

+S and I going hiking to a gorgeous state park that WH and I went to a couple years ago. I said "I really want to go back there..." and looked at WH like "remember when we went?" I swear I saw a look of disappointment in his eyes, like "awww! I don't get to go!". Sorry buddy- you aren't invited! haha!

+and some stuff about the yard

So now I plan to pipe down with all the stuff I have "started"- I have given him a lot to digest and think about! And I need my actions to speak for themselves. Like I am getting started on the bathroom tonight, will pick up a life jacket for S, wear my new clothes (I have a killer halter top for Saturday! It's so cute with my new sandals!)

We will need to communicate about the house projects... He will be here to work on the bathroom, he'll be here to work on the yard, and I will be happy, glowing and joking around, RELAXED with the release of mental tension.

My expectations? None- he wants to divorce me, right?

[DiamondGirl]

Good for you! You go girl!