He's an addict Melody, dont try negotiating or reasoning with addicts.. he's basically telling you what he wants to
There are three routes someone can take when they start an affair
a. Pursue an Open Marriage - Preferably in secret - very addictive b. End the Marriage, destroy your family, and roll the dice with OW c. End the affair, seek family therapy, and rebuild the family
He will ALWAYS take (a) if he has a choice... ALWAYS.. Its addictive, simple, and causes him the least amount of inconvenience.. he has the best of both worlds
EXPOSURE cuts him off from a. You make his affair public and turn to friends and family to turn him and his affair AWAY until he's come to his senses... They will speak the same script as you - End the affair, seek family therapy, and rebuild the marriage... They will NEVER accept OW and she is not at all welcome in their homes.
Upon hearing this, if from a large part of his social circle he WILL get VERY DISCOURAGED about OW... He needs to know there's a future there. If your friends and family can find the courage to tell him "NO" and MEAN it then he will have a lot of doubts about the direction he's heading.
You need to make sure (a) is not available.. he will be drawn to that like a magnet... So, tell him you wont' accept him cheating in your home, and that it harms your daughter, as well as it is an obstacle to rebuilding anything at home.
His excuses about not forgiving himself and delaying the inevitable are just that excuses. Do NOT ARGUE WITH HIM... it just REIINFORCES his CONVICTION that he should leave the marriage.
Your therapist is a fool if they told you to ignore the affair... that's nonsense.
Your H doesn't come back to the marriage with a free pass.. He has to go to family therapy and learn to do the work just like you do... No one gets a free pass.
It is according to Shirley Glass EASIER to bring a MAN back to a marriage than a WOMAN. It is EASIER for men to end an affair than a woman - men tend to be LESS EMOTIONALLY invested in affairs than women get... If a woman starts cheating they put 100% of their emotions into that affair, men can play 50-50 quite comfortably... I think your H is a classic example of this.
You aren't pushing HIM here, you are pushing the AFFAIR out the door and inviting him to LET GO of it before the door shuts him out too...
That's the thing, you expose the affair, encourage friends and family to intervene on your behalf to press him to end his affair... YOU don't press him, your friends and family do. Men do return to their spouses as do women when the hardball approach is employed, its not just a myth... but you NEED to understand HOW hardball is played. There is a right and a wrong way to play hardball with an affair.
