Well . . . it goes from bad to worse. I've been working with a new counselor who was coaching me to just look at the positive and ignore OW and such and try to make myself the woman my husband wanted to be with. Maybe that's still the good solution in my case. BUT - in the mean time, some of my coworkers saw my husband kissing the neck of another woman while they were out on the town. This is the first irrefutable proof I had that my husband was anything other than a "close friend" so of course it's a huge blow to me. You know what they say about ignorance being bliss . . . well on a good day (prior to this) I was able to fool myself into believing that my husband was telling the truth and that it was only an EA, not a PA. He still denies everything else, but obviously trust is completely out the window.
We talked tonight - I probably shouldn't have but I needed to know where he was at to gauge what I should do. He says he feels terrible - he was crying a bit - says he doesn't know if he could forgive himself if he were to stay with me. When I pushed him he basically said he thinks it's over. He's not willing to compromise at all to save the marriage - not ready to come back, but doesn't want to give it up completely either. Made a comment to the effect of "he's just delaying the decision that is inevitable" which of course is D.
I am bouncing between distraught and sad and just outright ANGRY. At the same time, I know he's a broken man right now. I think we got married too young and piled on too much responsibility - he is blaming me for what we both did to ourselves, but right now, the only "out" he sees is D, not us staying together. I know in my heart this is what's going on - he got overwhelmed and blamed me for our responsibility instead of taking personal responsibility and making decisions to lower responsibility while keeping M. together.
So, given this, I'm still stuck. I could continue to expose the A and put pressure on my husband to end relationship with other woman. I could start divorce proceedings. I could do nothing and hope that a loving approach and a willingness to stick it out through everything would help. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do that last thing - it really feels like abuse, and possibly is abuse. But, I do love my husband and it doesn't feel like love to hurt him more. And, yes, I'm scared that by pushing really hard I will lose him - that if he's cowering from the crack of the responsibility whip, that it's not going to be the responsibility whip that brings him to his senses.
In addition, I have bigger questions: so what if I pull out all the stops and save the marriage? Is there really hope or will the fact that things got so bad create a pattern to return to in tough times? Am I teaching my husband that he can abuse me (those of you favoring the tough love approach would say yes, I suppose). I work with kids for a living and no one approach works for all kids - so I guess spouses are like that too - maybe tough love works for some and softer love works for others?
Also, will a tough love approach create such a strain on the relationship that it's impossible to be the kind of parents our daughter needs? I think the only way divorce works for kids is when the parents are able to compose themselves and get along for the sake of the kids. Is exposing and making things difficult on him really just going to hurt my daughter in the long run?
Lastly, wondering if anyone has heard of any examples of "tough love" working for women. It seems that the success stories are mostly written by men - and I'm wondering if a man fighting for his wife in this way characterizes him as "strong" and "assertive" whereas a wife being this aggressive makes herself look less feminine . . . just asking because my husband definitely appreciates a girly girl and has a strong internal revulsion to feminist theories (Imagine him stating that marriages lasted in the 1950s because the women knew how to care for the men then . . . ).
I really appreciate everyone's ear and having this as a safe place to get my thoughts out and hear support. This is such a wonderful venue to talk because there are no consequences. If I tell my mom . . . well I know I will have to live the rest of my life with her knowing and judging my decisions . . . ya know?
