I agree that he should give you the flat... is he aware that a 1.5 hour drive is going to be a pain for either of you to transport the baby? Your baby, especially in the beginning needs to be closer to you and doctros and so on, and you should tell him its exremely inconvenient and will not be easy for him! Make it easy for you.
WH has emailed back. + wont give up his share of the apartment + now says he is uncomfortable about helping me with my citizenship application. Says he is uncomfortable pretending we are not seperated and doesn't want this application to get in the way of his life choices. + wants baby to have his surname + wants a divorce in due time + has been saving money for me but will give it to me next month when he has a better overview of his finances. + his decision to leave me 'find its reasons and causes only in you and me' + is sorry he failed me etc & will be remorseful for the rest of his life. + Said he separated with me the best way possible - 'to be absolutely truthful and honest, to act with integrity, to not pretend there was another chance when there was none, to be true to myself and to you, to give you the possibility of grieving our relationship and moving on onto rebuilding your life without me as your husband. To respect you and the 15 years of our relationship as partners.' Says being true to himself is also something he owes his child. + wants to be friends + says as long a I think he is sick or unfit or irresponsbile doesn't see how we can go through some mutally agreeable separation process. + wants me to find it in me to trust him again. + will always respect me as his ex-wife and mother of his beautiful child.
I emailed WH telling him a divorce couldn't come fast enough for me and how I will never, ever forgive him for leaving me pregnant no matter how "unhappy" he was in the marriage, and he has emailed me back with the following concessions: + will help me with my citizenship + will start paying me money + wants a fast divorce as is has tax implications for him in Europe (STUFF THAT) + willing to see a therapist while he is still here
WTF. Your first post (his first email) was so wrong. Holy sh!t.
I am so glad you wrote back what you did. I don't even like using the word 'concessions' though: HE CANNOT WALK AWAY LIKE THIS, THINK HE'S BLAMELESS, AND THINK HE CAN GET A LOT OUT OF THE DEAL!
Shoot.
I don't know, P. You guys might need mediation. He did change his mind on a few things right away, that's good.
Originally Posted By: Piano
+ has been saving money for me but will give it to me next month when he has a better overview of his finances.
Yikes. He basically said the same thing in the second email. I'm very wary.
What you MUST have:
+ Regular, steady child support + At least most of the apartment (if you guys own it, then I guess that confuses me a little and I'm not sure what I would do) + NO friendship + The baby's name is ALL your decision + The divorce that you want.
When I say that last one, I mean if you want to grab lawyers and fight it out, fine. I didn't want to. I chose to try to split it ourselves, even though it made it easier on him. My reasoning was that it made it easier on me! (I know he and I are not divorcing right this second, but we probably will be in 6 months.)
It is possible that you having all of the apartment freaked him out and he responded excessively. You both need to cool off and talk in person about this stuff. And I think that being "pleasant" with him at that time will garner the best results.
Thinking about it more, you might want to just schedule mediation now. A third party would see that he was way off base on his vision of how his life can work out.
(might want to get on that citizenship thing asap. Whatever it is he has to do to help you, do it now!)
I don't know the details of your finances at all, so I could be off on stuff. But I think the bottom line for you is self-protection (and baby protection) at this point!
I think it was important to put it all on the table, from both sides. I think it was also the first time I have not acted from a place of fear. The marriage needs to be put to rest... And I need to exit it the way I want to.
I think you are right about mediation. Not into lawyers either. Want to do seperation counseling/mediation, but need to find a suitable therapist otherwise I believe it will do more damage than good....and what can be achieved before he leaves in Aug/Sept? Is it worth trying??
Have given WH my bank details and he will start depositing amounts now. This is good. We can reset the amounts later.
As the citizenship app could take up to a year (I thought it was only months) we are looking at a year of our own financial contract, with no help from govt agencies. This is a LONG TIME without single mother benefits, so I need to make some immediate compromises (renting the apartment - yes we own it, well the bank mostly does! - and livng with my folks, for eg) and perhaps meanwhile spending the $ to see an immigration lawyer to be 100% sure of my application being based on my marital status.
I agree with your "MUST" list. Thanks for clarifying.
Cool and pleasant: yes. I am actually deciding to do ALL of this on email for the moment. We are incapable of talking in the same room about any of this contentious stuff. I think when he now comes to see the baby, I will remove myself to another room and not see him. These visists can be 'mediated' via a family member.
Also a bit more info about the name. He said the reason he wants her to carry his name is for her sake, not his. He quoted a passage from a child psychologist who says children live it as a rejection if they don't have the fathers name. WH wants her to know he did 'recognise' her and that both her mum and dad chose her name together. this contradicts what my child psych told me, but i see the sense in it... Darn it, just when i thought i had it figured out!
I agree with Gatsby... a mediator of some sort could help, i dont like the lawyer thing myself, but you ned help and someone professional could help you tackle the issues one by one and perhaps in a manipulative manner and your WAH could get sucked into giving you what you want. Dont discuss anything more with him. Tell him you would like a mediator to help b/c you dont want to go back and forth on points if you can not see eye to eye. And that your priority right now is taking care of the baby, not ways of making him feel "comfortable". He walked away, made life changes for you and the baby, and now wants to have his say in everything else!
+The baby's name is entirely up to you! If you are the one raising her and taking her to school and doctors ect. then it is your call! Not His! Tell him one day, when you remarry, she will take her new father's name... you know the man who will raise her alongside of you! Do what feels right... and if in time it doesnt seem right, change the name! The baby will not know the difference. You have to be happy with the decision. tell your WAH, that your baby will not feel rejection b/c she does not have his surname, but rather because he left w/o ever wanting to be a father figure or giving her a chance to have a family! And more so because on top of a divorce, he is moving miles and miles away! That's rejection! A surname is a family name... what good is his surname if he does not want to be a family? Men...UUgghhhhh!!!!
+What are the legalities of child support in your state? Do you believe him or feel you can trust him... what does he mean in a month he will look over his finances? and if he needs to money to move to Europe instead, does that mean less for you and your baby? Can't you get something in writing that makes sure he continually give you payments!?
I second G's points...
What you MUST have:
+ Regular, steady child support + At least most of the apartment (if you guys own it, then I guess that confuses me a little and I'm not sure what I would do) + NO friendship + The baby's name is ALL your decision + The divorce that you want.
you H also said in his email that he will regret this decision and I CAN'T WAIT!!! We all know that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Be Strong... he is weak, and disturbed, and this alien needs to come down to earth and see how distored his version of being a father is.
I am so sorry you are going through this... What an A$$!
Ha ha, not up in the middle of the night last night. It was 7 am. Kinda close to middle of the night, tho!
Originally Posted By: Piano
Want to do separation counseling/mediation, but need to find a suitable therapist otherwise I believe it will do more damage than good....and what can be achieved before he leaves in Aug/Sept? Is it worth trying??
Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what separation counseling is exactly! I guess it's a way to try to peacefully separate things. Might be worth it.
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Have given WH my bank details and he will start depositing amounts now. This is good.
This is good! I hope he starts this week!
Quote:
As the citizenship app could take up to a year (I thought it was only months) we are looking at a year of our own financial contract, with no help from govt agencies. This is a LONG TIME without single mother benefits, so I need to make some immediate compromises (renting the apartment - yes we own it, well the bank mostly does! - and livng with my folks, for eg) and perhaps meanwhile spending the $ to see an immigration lawyer to be 100% sure of my application being based on my marital status.
What are single mother benefits? Is it kind of a lot of money? And you're sacrificing that to get your overseas citizenship. Because you have to stay married. Wow. He really owes you.
Quote:
I think when he now comes to see the baby, I will remove myself to another room and not see him.
Yeah. I think I'm going to be doing that too. And going over email is a great idea to keep things cool!
About the baby name. What is it that you want, deep down? Disregard the idea of you and he being back together. Assuming that you guys stay split, what really would you like? It's not very easy to figure it out, especially because he wants her to carry his name so bad. But even if you choose using his last name because he wants it that way, just know that's what you're wanting too. It's very hard. The paragraph you wrote made me think about tacking my WH's name on at the end. But then I decided that she and I will always have the same last name and any man I'm with can join us. Period. So that's how it's going for me, but it is really hard to decide.
Okay. I just tried to do a lot of quoting in one post. If it messed up, I will be really embarrassed. So we'll see how it went. . .
Wow- Piano you are such a strong woman! When you replied to your WH's email with the fact that you want a divorce, he totally backed down on some things, correct? Interesting...meaning was he trying to see if he could take advantage of you or something? Well obviously he was messing with the wrong woman!!
At the same time, I am sorry that it is coming to this. (((HUGS))) but just think- a year from now you won't be in limbo- you will be living in your next era!!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
A START.