The journey begins

[ImprovedRomeo]

Just a friendly-ish hello is all you need to say when you see her in person. You don't want to come off standoff-ish, it won't do anyone any good.

At this point you don't owe her anything but just keep it amicable for your kids' sake.

[ClingingToHope]

The struggles of single parenting. Friday night I get a call for a favor to pick up BIL from airport because my sister bought a car from a local dealer. She wanted to order one but it would have to be made in Japan and take two months.

So BIL was flying in to Chicago and needed a ride to save money on the outrageous car rental rates. No problem. It would be no fun for D7 so I call her friend's mom and ask if she can go there. She says yes.

So D11 and I go in to Chicago to pick up BIL. That all went well and we ate lunch and BIL headed out.

During the ride I got a reminder how closely D7 and D11 watch/listen to everything you do.

It's supposed to rain the next week. It's STBXW's week off with the kids. By my week, the weather is supposed to clear. I thought that was funny.

From the back seat D11 says "We'll find things to do with mommy."

I recovered by saying "it's harder on daddy when the weather is bad because we're at the apartment."

Still. I felt badly.

We just hung around the apartment for a few hours until church. D11 is on FB now and started chatting with a school friend and tried to work out something where she stayed the night over there.

She asked me if she could. I told her that's fine -- although I really didn't want her to. I hate losing any time with her. But this is what it's going to be like more and more as she gets to her teen years and I need to be ready.

The overnight stay fell through though. Too late to make new plans or something of that nature.

So we made it to church. I missed it last week because of softball and the week before STBXW and I had the blowup over missing emails and getting D11 to school and her job. So we've both been giving each other the cold shoulder.

In church I have to say I didn't pay attention much to the message. I just kept thinking about forgiveness. Why can't I just forgive and let it go. I preach that to D11 all the time. She just holds on to things, holds on to things and takes everything personally.

I keep telling her to let it go, but I'm unable to do that with my sitch. And I know they see it in how I treat STBXW when I see her. On Monday I'm hoping to go to the library to see if there are any good forgiveness books to read. I need to refocus.

I have to because of little things like yesterday. Before church D7 was watching Pokemon. She loves the show and there was a marathon on. She wanted her Pokemon cards and she called STBXW who drove them over.

So STBXW was here for five minutes and we didn't look at or talk to each other. D7 made me come over for a family hug.

Anger and hatred are eating me up right now. I still struggle with what she's doing when I have the kids -- which I never thought would bother me and does less so, but it's still there.

I've read other sitches on the board about waiting and healing and I'm thinking I'm really not far along at all. There are a few women I'm interested in and I'm waiting until the D is final before acting -- or at least that's what I'm telling myself. But I worry that the first person who is interested in me is just going to see through me, that the pain is still there, that I haven't let go.

I kept trying to focus on myself. My financial plans. Improving my living situation. Being a better parent. But my head kept making leaps back to wanting to be better off than STBXW, getting a house first after she sells the family home, being a better parent than STBXW.

In many ways I've come a long way, but in many ways I'm still a mess.

Anyway. After church we hit the mall for a while to kill time before seeing Marmaduke. At the mall, they have a puppy store and they both want me to get a dog. That's the major pull about getting a house.

D7 was really sad because the puppies were teething and two of them nipped her. So she spent much of the rest of the time crying.

D11 had fun in a laser maze.

Finally, Marmaduke. I wasn't expecting much, but it was a good movie for its kind. We sat right up front and in the end I had both of them laying on either side of me with their heads in my lap.

That was a great moment.

It didn't last. D11 was tired and started thinking about these two girls in school she doesn't like and when D7 in the car ride home said something D11 didn't like she yelled at her.

It was a long day so I loudly told her that D7 didn't do anything wrong and why is she yelling. Then I got the five minute speech of how these girls hate her and are making her miserable and D7 doesn't help.

Ugh. I listened and tried not to lecture -- from the listening book I read months ago.

We made it home and it was 11 p.m. and then they started arguing about who is sleeping in what bed and D7 said some mean things to D11 and I had to deal with that.

They have to share a room in the apartment, which has gone better than I though but it still sets my place apart from the house -- and I let that make me angry.

And this was just one day. I've got them 14 nights out of 30 this month and 15 out of 31 next month. It's going to be up and down every day.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Hang in there CTH, you've got your hands full but you're doing a great job. Your energy is inspiring me. If it helps write down what you need to focus on on a piece of paper and tape it to your bathroom mirror as a reminder every morning what's important to you.

Also, as your know it's normal for the siblings to fight etc. There are also times when they help eachother, look out for eachother and even play together. All part of being siblings.

Well like

[Gardener]

CTH, Go easy on yourself. So much of this is still so new - and raw.

Why can't I just forgive and let it go. I preach that to D11 all the time. She just holds on to things, holds on to things and takes everything personally.I keep telling her to let it go, but I'm unable to do that with my sitch. And I know they see it in how I treat STBXW when I see her. On Monday I'm hoping to go to the library to see if there are any good forgiveness books to read. I need to refocus.

You know that teaching by example is better than preaching. For their sake, you should consider making a concerted effort to "act", put on a performance - a good one - with STBXW when DDs are present. Check out the book Radical Forgiveness
by Colin Tipping or try www.radicalforgiveness.com

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free
And discover the prisoner was you."
Lewis B. Smedes

I've read other sitches on the board about waiting and healing and I'm thinking I'm really not far along at all. There are a few women I'm interested in and I'm waiting until the D is final before acting -- or at least that's what I'm telling myself. But I worry that the first person who is interested in me is just going to see through me, that the pain is still there, that I haven't let go.

Time. Healing takes time. How much time? Your much time. At this point I would say you, like many of us are nowhere near relationship-ready. You are still in pain and healing. Needy? Understandably, yes. Relationship ready? No.
Time. Time alone. Time as a single Dad. Time in the apartment.
I know I repeat this ad nauseam, but just live your life and see who shows up.

In many ways I've come a long way, but in many ways I'm still a mess.

So in many ways you are perfectly normal. Good.

...But my head kept making leaps back to wanting to be better off than STBXW, getting a house first after she sells the family home, being a better parent than STBXW.

They have to share a room in the apartment, which has gone better than I though but it still sets my place apart from the house -- and I let that make me angry.

Stop competing, friend. Be the best you, the best Dad here, now.

And this was just one day. I've got them 14 nights out of 30 this month and 15 out of 31 next month. It's going to be up and down every day.

14 nights and it'll be up and down with two girls 7 & 11. Sounds about right. I don't envy you that.
Actually, I do.
Keep up the strength, Dad.

[ClingingToHope]

Had a great Sunday with the girls. Then a rough Monday morning with D7. I won't see them until Wednesday night.

When I got in on Monday a lady I met through a singles group responded to my emails and there may be some interest there. I'm not sure. She's 10 years younger and she just went out on a date with a recently divorced guy who scared her with constant texts -- and she sensed he just really misses his wife.

We have some things in common. She likes to be outside doing stuff instead of watching TV. That's a biggie. STBXW and I never liked doing anything together.

I'm not even divorced yet so I've got a long way to go and I need to wait -- and again she's a blond and I've never had a lot of success with blondes. I think I'll see her Saturday at a barbecue for our singles group.

In any case, the good Sunday, the email and the fact I've got a good weekend coming up put me in a good mood.

Then an email from STBXW and a reminder how far I have to go.

It was the summer camp list -- which I'd asked for. And then a bunch of stuff on the sale of the house. A Realtor STBXW met through D11's theater group is listing the house at what we owe. It's not going to sell at that price, but STBXW feels she can't settle for less.

That's another story.

Basically, I want nothing to do with this Realtor or this process. I want nothing to do with anyone who is involved with this process.

Pain, pain, pain.

I responded back that I don't want to talk to the Realtor. I can just swing by her office and sign the papers.

That was probably the wrong thing to say -- but it was truthful.

I wonder if 10 years from now if I'll still feel this way.

[antlers]

I wonder if 10 years from now if I'll still feel this way.

No, you won't. You will have 'let go' of it, and forgiven the past.

[whatisis]

You could still feel this way, but it's all up to you!

[ImprovedRomeo]

10 years is a long time. I hope within a year or two we're just about done with this crap. Wishful thinking? Perhaps but I've seen a couple of people that were able to move on just fine and say they have no regrets. But they don't have kids...

[ClingingToHope]

SR, I've heard lots of stories, which means there's no template to follow. I had a Realtor friend tell me that within the past year -- four years after her divorce -- she finally feels normal.

I had a coworker tell me something that truly concerned me. He's been married to his second wife 20 years or so. They've raised a son together. He said EVERYTHING about the second marriage is better than the first. Yet, he said he still thinks about his first wife at least once a week.

The kid thing is extremely hard because you just don't see the damage. Not until years later.

[whatisis]

I don't think there really is a timeline and I don't think you have completely erase, in my case, 17 years of your life! You learn to live with it better and for some that's a few years and some longer. There's no right or wrong. If years from now you're still suffering like it happened yesterday, are unable to form any new R's (although you want to) then that's a concern but right now I think we all get way too carried away with our feeling of the moment, blowing it's significance way out of proportion. I guess we should feel, accept that feeling and let it go until the next time it pops up. Hopefully, as life gets better those thoughts pop up less and less.