Newbie.Trying with faith and hope to save marriage

[papayachic]

Today's convo where I dropped the rope:


Me- Hello
H- Hey How are you. Can you talk?
Me- Yup I'm good. I can talk

H- Well the fact that I called you on Friday and heard you were stressed and I didn't pursue the convo bc it would have been stressful for you even though I needed to get things out, even though I needed to vent, even though the convo needed to happen, shows me how much I have grown. Shows me how much of a good person I am.

Me- Well thank you. I appreciate that. I was stressed and tired.

H- Did you find certified mail receipt for credit card

Me- No I looked and do not have it. The statement you have should have number for you to call and order new card.

H- eh maybe its there. I haven't stayed there(at farm) since Thursday (that's the day he left me message to call him back and I saw he called his mom and bf for hours). I am somewhere else now till I find out what I'm going to do. Until i wear off my welcome. For having such a large family here, I feel I have nowhere to go. Some places might not want to me to visit there anymore.

Then H went off for about 20 minutes straight. I had to let him talk.(this was jist of it)
He said he has to get this off his chest. Whatever people perceive of him, whatever people are talking or saying or what their beliefs are about him, he can't change their minds. He was up there for 3 months doing well. He was getting happier. He was turning his life around. He found happiness (this killed me bc i know he was referring to whore).And then bomb hit. PEople are now questioning his every move. People are questioning his actions. They are questioning his beliefs. But he has feelings. He can't control his feelings. He had feelings and they were right. He feesl they were right because they were his feelings(talking about loving whore). He was talking to his mom for months and he was telling her he was happy. He was telling her how he wasmoving on and she was happy for him. Now she is questioning him if he's ok. She is questioning him if he's trading addictions(his cousin at the farm must have called her). She is questioning him on everything. That broke his heart. He broke down to her but afterwards he picked himself up and told himself he will NEVER let anyone control him. He will never let anyone hurt him. He won't go back to drug addicted H. He won't go back to that life ( I assume meaning w me). He was going to buy a car. He was contacting dealerships and was going to mail my resume. Unemployment gave him a few problems but he was able to take care of it. He now doesn't have a computer to send out his resume since he's not at cousin's anymore. He is back to square one like 3 months ago. It angers him how he found out how I told people I was pregnant and he had to find out through a text. It angers him the control I have.He was happy and now because of bomb one that I didnt start the divorce and now with pregnancy, he is heartbroken. He had something special and he needs to get it back. He will pick myself up

I let him speak and it killed me.

Then since I knew he didn't get the letter I sent him I needed to drop the rope over the phone.

I apoligized for overstepping my boundary but did tell him that they all knew about pg already. That they called me. But I understand and see where he is coming from. The only ones I told were his parents.
Told him Ive been soul searching, told him Im no longer held by fear and anger, told him I was a complete bitch throughout marriage and told him I understand why he wants to end it. How it was wrong to put my expectations and my thought on happiness on his shoulders (DB coach told me that). I told him Im sorry. I told him I "get it". I told him all I want is for him to be happy. For me to be happy.

Then he asked so you're moving out of "town I live in"? You are still going through with transfer.
I said yeah well I put the transfer back in April that you know of. We knew it was a posibility for a long time since last year remember? but I finally did it in April bc I thought we would be together. But there might not be any stopping of it. I have to see with work when next city tranfer is. At first I was terrified but I realized that no matter where I live, NY, Florida, China, I wont be happy unless I myself am happy. And Im happy now. I know with faith and God and my determination, I can do anything.

He said but now, After all these years I wanted to move out of effin "town we lived in", NOW you realize it even though I begged for years .

I said yes, I apoligize for being asleep while married. But now Im awake. Im sorry I didnt see it. But I took a step back and realized that now Im done with this chapter of my life and now I can move on. I am happy to move on.

Then he went off about baby.
He was doing fine and accused me of witholding pg news for a month. And that he knows it took two, but I took all control and decided on my own. That I couldn;t even call him. Not that it would have changed anything but I took the issue all on my own like I always do. That he was angry when he found out. That the choice of words were wrong but that is what he felt at the time. That now no matter what he is bound financially to baby since its NYS. Im stuck.

Then I told him I can only imagine how he must feel. I apoligized how he found out but I was scared. That I only found out only a few days prior not a month. That the only person I wanted to tell at that point was him, my friend but I was nervous bc I did not want to bind him.

Then he went off that he wants a job bc he needs to support baby financially bc he has to by law and bc its the right thing to do. But he doesnt know if he wants to be recognized as father. Doesnt know if its right for child. He grew up with absent father and always wanted to be fulltime dad and I ruined that. That he thinks what might be best is that he has no ties to baby so that I can find someone nice and get married and that guy be fulltime dad.

I told him I understand and he should do whatever makes him happy. I told him my opinion is that I think he is a wonderful person and would have a lot to contribute to child but its up to him.

He then went off about how he contacted lawyer and its the hardest thing to get divorced in NY. That there is no such thing as legal separation in NY that we would have to be separated for a year and that kills him with moving on.
He asked me if I would lie and backtrack and claim we've been separated for a year.

I said I am living a good life. I will not be a liar. I do not want to disgrace the marriage since I married him loving him.

He said what we did in our marriage these past 2 years, that's enough disgrace in the marriage.

Then i said, Well we both did wrong in the marriage. I understand your frustration. But we were both unhappy w ourselves. We were both asleep and knew no better. We both did hurtful things in the marriage. But now as we're both getting better, as I'm getting better, I will not disgrace the marriage by knowingly being awake and lying.
I did say that i thought there was legal separation in NY

He said he didn't think so but called 2 others lawyers but they havent contacted him back. He might contemplate annulment and say he was on drugs but he didnt want that on paper but if he has to then he might go that route. (I dont think he knows that I can file fraud under that bc I didnt know but I think he can't since he's the culprit)

He went off again on how he's starting all over again
I said, well I know you're a strong person and I know you'll find a way. Is there anything I can do to help you?
He snorted and said about heart, no its broken but he hopes I find happiness like he had.

Then he asked if I thought we would get back together since divorce might take a while. If i had false hope.

I said. No, not at all. I understand your feelings. I know I can't change your feelings. I know if anything in time we might be friends. THat there are questions that I needed to ask him as a friend and we dont even have that.

He asked what?

I asked him about what car i should trade my car for (I have IS250 and it will be too small for baby). Then he went back to the old H. Started talking about different cars. I asked about my brakes. He went off on a tangent on that. on 4wd,to get my inspection done, etc....
I thanked him and told him I appreciate it since he knows I know nothing about cars.

I then told him about my weight loss but my arms are still very jiggly. He started talking about dips and stuff.
I asked him about his weight. and he told me hes been working out and is shredding fat for weight.
He told me to eat, keep healthy, to let doc know about my morning sickness and told me to stop running.

Then like he realized we were talking like friends for about 10 minutes and he changed again to divorce topic. That by me not backtracking separation date it puts us on hold to explore options. It makes it harder to be happy separate. THat I should think about it. It should be food for thought.

I told him well, I have to get back to work. I guess we'll speak soon. Have a beautiful day.