H called me to tell me that his friend called and asked him to go to the Cavs game. He said, "since you are going to the ski club meeting..." Like, would he have been with me if I didn't make plans???
Anyhow, I'm doing ok. I'm not sure what else I'm going to do tonight. I don't know how long the meeting lasts/if they socialize for a while or whatever. I'm kind of sleepy. I may just go home and play on the bb.
I'm having some anxiety. I'm tired of feeling this way. I want to feel that open feeling that I felt a few weeks ago. What do I have to do to build up to that again? I know that it is based on fear. The fear that it won't last. Fear that it won't continue to get better. Fear that h won't be "what I want him to be." I need to just be content with myself and not NEED him to BE something FOR me. That's got to stink to be him, no? I wouldn't like it if he based his happiness on whether or not I told him I loved him or how I dressed or where I went with him, etc.
I want to be able to just relax. When we first started dating (ok, I still feel this way) I was surprised to hear him say that he "didn't care what we did together-he just wanted to be with me." I was so used to feeling like I had to entertain a guy or entertain a guy if yaknowwhatimean to "keep" him around. I'm just not used to a man loving me for WHO I am. And unconditionally. I continue to find it hard to believe. What is it about me that H would want to stay with me? I grew up feeling like I had to earn a person's love. (esp. men) I don't know what love really is! I feel very uncomfortable giving freely. I also feel very uncomfortable taking freely. Is that a paradox?
