I’m a bit confused, I told her she needs to move out, and she understands we need to be separated. I don’t think I can serve her D papers, because she would just cave and sign and were done. I guess I was just trying to tell her that I need my space so she needs to go find whatever she was looking for, the whole, you chose him, therefore you need to leave. There must be a reason she has backed off the D word.
You aren't the one to serve D papers, that's got to be HER, YOU will support the marriage, your wife, and your family always... SHE is the one that will end things... you let HER pull the plug if sh'es gonna do it... its a DARE more or less...
When an affair starts, there are three different roads your wife is looking at :
a. Pursue an open marriage - in secret if possible b. End the marriage, destroy a family, roll the dice with OM c. End the affair, rebuild a marriage, and heal a family
your wife likes
choice a : it's simple, convenient, and causes HER the LEAST amount of inconvenience - its also incredibly addictive
choice b : This is a pesky one, particularly if OM is married too. It isn't a pretty option for her at all...
choice c : This is about equal to b. She LIKES her affair, her fantasy world, she does NOT wan to give that up any more than she wants to give up her marriage
When you EXPOSE an affair, you are RESTRICTING access or CUTTING OFF access to choice a... You are basically ripping it out of her hands and this FORCES her to choose b or c
You push her to do b AND c by
1. pressing her to leave the kids and the family home and find her own place to stay if she insists on acting out like a 17 year old child 2. pressing her to explore rebuilding a marriage with a professional therapist by GOING to one yoruself alone to set an example and by improving your desirability (MWD calls this getting a life)
You basically are forcing her to accept CHANGE of type b or type c... she is going to CLING to option a for as LONG as you will LET HER...
Exposure cuts her off of that route, particularly if you can get a lot of family support who tell her they will NEVER allow OM as part of their social circle and that they don't want to hear anything about OM... Go home and rebuild your marriage is the mantra you want friends and family to offer if they can and are willing (if they support OM ignore those people, you will learn who your friends are during this crisis I promise you that)
Whenever you approach your wife about her choices you NEVER present it as :
Choose me Choose OM
NEVER NEVER NEVER DO THAT
The LONG TERM choices she has available are
Rebuild a marriage Destroy a marriage
The long term success rate of affair couples is less than ONE PERCENT... they NEVER PAN OUT LONG TERM... when you press her its for LONG TERM OUTCOMES.. you BOTH want to make the right LONG term choices right?
Then Educate her on what they are :
Rebuild a marriage Destroy a marriage
The OM will NOT be around in ten years, I can 99% guarantee that... Your wife has a simple but painful choice to make and you need to present that choice in that way... NEVER present it as her choosing one man over another, you will LOSE that choice
The choices she has available are
Rebuild a marriage Destroy a marriage and destroy family (toss that in, its a biggie)
