GF, sorry to hear about your sitch. It sounds like you've decided to let go because you don't believe he'll change - even though you feel nothing good will come from D?
That's because we have children, and the pain that STBXH and I have put them through with this D and breaking up the family unit is at times unbearable and shameful. If there were no children involved, I would probably feel very differently.
But I tried. I gave STBXH chance after chance after chance over a span of 4 years to make things right. To at the VERY least meet me halfway. He chose not to.
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Is there anything he can do at this point to change your mind?
That's a tough question...Tough because I think about my boys and I know what they want (Mom and Dad together)....but the answer is no. The R was an extremely abusive one, both emotionally and verbally. Even after I finally left for good, which he actually thanked me for, it continued. It was so bad that I changed my cell # and didn't give it to him until almost 10 months later. I would also avoid having to see him whenever it came time to exchange the boys. That has since changed as well.
Anyhow, the only thing he can do now is to be a good EX husband, and that IS something he is working on, but I could never be in a R with him again.
Poet - Good to see you, too, my dear :), and you're right. He does want my help. He doesn't have anyone there by his side at the moment (he supposedly stopped dating OP again), so he's looking for comfort and just to talk to someone. Pretty much whoever's willing to listen, and guess what? It's not me anymore. That may be harsh, but it is what it is now. I have, if any, very little empathy for someone who convinced me for so long, and I quote, that I was a "SAD human being" (because I'm 35 and have been a SAHM without, in HIS opinion, a "REAL" career), constantly rubbed in my face that he had a GF after I left - even maliciously said, "does it STING?", told lies time and time again.....Ugh. I could go on and on, but I won't. It's in the past. It might creep up on me every once in awhile, but all I can do is try my best to shake it off and let it go. I refuse to give him that power over me.
(((Hugs)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Hey, DBers, I have a question and opinions would be greatly appreciated. I was going to post it over in the alt but thought it best not to for it might cause some very unnecessary "drama". Anyhow, I just need to get it out.
Ok, say you asked someone if they'd like to hang out...grab a bite to eat, go shopping, see a movie sometime, or whatever...and their response was, "I guess". What would you think? How would you interpret that and how would you respond in turn?
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
STBXH called a short while ago and asked if I would like to join him and the boys this evening to see the circus (a small one that comes through town every year).
I don't even know what to think or how to feel about that. I even have an appt with my ATTY in about 30 mins to finally sign the final D papers.
I am so mixed up inside, it's not even funny.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I don't think that response is very enthusiastic. Sorry. I mean come on I had a man drive 88 miles to meet me for pizza for crying out loud!!
As for the circus...do you want to go? Is it just to be friendly or more? It has taken me nearly 2 years to do anything amicable with my ex. Maybe you have it more together than me.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I don't think that response is very enthusiastic. Sorry.
Don't be sorry! That was exactly what I thought, too. Over the last 5 years (when STBXH and I weren't trying to reconcile), I dated a little, and whenever I'd ask someone if he'd like to get together and do something, I'd usually get a "yes...sure...definitely...love to!". Something along those lines. This guy I've been seeing for the last 6 months, his response is "I guess". It wasn't at first...he used to say 'sure'. Now it's he guesses. Ok, whatever. LOL
But I kind of called him on it last night. All I did was ask for clarification...was "I guess" a yes or a no?...and somehow it turned into a big deal. In fact, his words were, "you turned something simple into some huge deal. I said yes but never mind now. What's your problem?"....LOL I think anyone can tell I won't be seeing this guy anymore.
He did not say "yes". He said "I guess". How was I supposed to know when he says he guesses, he actually means yes? WTF??!!
Anyway, I think most people would've thought the same. That an "I guess" response sounds hesitant, unenthusiastic, uncertain, but this guy was making it out to sound like I was the problem, and I just wanted some validation...I guess that I'm not......so, buh-bye, buddy.
Now, regarding the circus, I think STBXH wants to go on friendly terms, but the thing is it's not like that for me. I'm not saying I want to be unfriendly. I just don't think I'm comfortable with it. I might start to miss what's not there anymore, and I don't want to risk getting emotional in front of my boys. They've witnessed enough. So I told him thanks but no thanks, and he's still trying to convince me...and it starts to irritate me when he can't take no for an answer, then I want to say something that I know will just p*ss him off so he'll leave me alone...but I won't. Being rude won't get me anywhere, so I'll just respond one more time with a no thank you. If he texts me anymore, I won't bother replying.
(((Thanks again)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
STBXH brought the boys back home earlier this evening and he had something for me. He handed it over and I asked what it was. He said a check, I said ok. I assumed he meant for child/spousal support.
Anyway, I just opened it. It was a piece of paper wrapped around a check for a hundred bucks. There was a note:
"I know it's not much but I know sometimes money is probably tight for you too. I appreciate you always working with me on my crazy work schedule. Please take this money and use it to do something fun with the kids. You and the kids deserve it, actually you guys deserve all a he** of a lot more. Thank you for everything, GF."
Am I sick in the head to feel upset by this? The kids and I "deserve a he** of a lot more"...yet he FOUGHT to get support lowered. Not once, but TWICE, and both times he succeeded. He claims that the boys and I take over half his income and he says he is about to lose the house because he can hardly afford it along with his personal bills.
I just don't get it. On one hand, I want to say thanks and leave it at that. That is most likely what I will do anyway. But on the other hand, .... I knew overtime wasn't going away. I don't care so much about the spousal, but the CS...his children are receiving much less than what they should be...and that is a TOUGH pill to swallow. I've had to cut way back to stay on budget...while he manages to go skydiving, rock climbing, buying big ticket items, about to buy a new car...........whatever.
Vent over.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Ok, so I couldn't just say 'thanks' I'm bad, I know.
I sent him a text: "How can you afford to give us an extra $100 if money is tight? Just wondering, you don't have to answer that, but thank you."
STBXH - GF, truth is I can't, but I make stuff work. I'm truly sorry for all the wrong I've done. I'm ashamed of myself most of the time. I have to sleep. Gn." Me - Sorry, didnt mean to disturb you. Gn STBXH - Never disturbing me. If you ever want to talk or text me, I don't care when or what time. I was a garbage H, but maybe I can try to be good in other ways to you. I'm sorry. Me - no response STBXH - Truth is everytime I see the kids, I see you, especially S14, and I hate myself for the irreversible damage I've caused. Before I die, you will know I feel remorse. You are a great mom and you were a great W, and I was a f'ing fool, and I hate the fact that it's past the point of no return. Gn, GF. Me - IDK what to say. Gn
That's all.
I really don't know what to say or think.
Just wanted to get it out.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Anyhow, I just need to get it out.
that I'm not......so, buh-bye, buddy.
I'm bad, I know.