I don't necessarily agree with all of that. Or at least I would make the following, I believe important, distinction:
I wouldn't try to "be the better option" in some sort of sick, "try-to-compete-against-the-OP" game that the cheating spouse KNOWS YOU ARE PLAYING. I believe you have to make these improvements FOR YOURSELF, and if YOU believe that either the OP's strengths or your cheating spouse's marital complaints are REALLY things you want to improve upon, then by all means DO THEM. Just don't look over your shoulder to see if she's reacting to them, and don't come across as needy and desperate.
I always try to get the BS to focus on what THEY, TRULY believe are legitimate marital complaints, pre-affair. And not just some gaslighting "re-writing of marital history" that is so very common in situations of adultery.
I also disagree about "snooping" (gathering intel), outright. Unless you are so emotionally weak that you cannot handle what you find, I can see no good reason NOT to want to know the reality of your situation. From my own personal archives:
And that right there is the problem with deciding to gather intel ("snooping"). If you can handle it, if you can detach yourself to such an extent that you are more "hovering above" the marriage than emotionally in the MIDDLE of it . . . almost like a "game-playing" mode . . . then the information you can gather is invaluable.
However, if it's only going to serve to beat you down, and defeat you, then it's probably best not to do it.
In general, I'm only in favor of snooping when:
- you’re initially trying to confirm an affair;
- as a gathering of evidence for a "cause" legal action of adultery, or to help you make a decision about custody;
- to confirm no-contact, as part of a MUTUALLY-AGREED-UPON transparency plan;
- you are concerned about dissipation of marital assets, or a drug, gambling or alcohol addition, or some other behavior that might prove harmful to the family.
. . .
Quote:
From Thinker, on 7/23/2009:
“In my case, the Red flag was when my W changed the password on her computer and email accounts. I had an innocent reason to go in there one day (household admin) and found I was locked out. Then I noticed the sudden increase in texts, picked up her phone and read the back texts and .... BAM!
I think in my sitch snooping is the only way I could have proceeded. It was painful, and it caused huge fights between us, and yes, my W accused me of violating her trust by snooping as if that is worse than the EA, but without knowing the truth, without having it exposed to both of us, I don't think I would have been able to see what was going on and detach. I think snooping, spying and exposing the EA stopped it from proceeding further and faster.
I now look at it this way. A cheating spouse wants to be able to have an A, while PREVENTING the betrayed spouse from reacting. If your spouse cheats, they will lie about it in an attempt to control you. Since an A directly impacts your M and directly impacts you, it is your right to know what is going on so that you can make your own decisions and react in the way that you choose.”
1. to verify initially whether or not there is infidelity involved in your sitch, so that you can attack it appropriately.
2. to establish evidence/grounds for a possible divorce action if yours is a "fault" state.
3. to gather evidence for a possible custody battle, and to help you make a determination as to whether or not you SHOULD go for custody (is the cheating spouse engaging in risky behavior that would make them a poor parent in their current state).
4. to determine what it is that OM/OW is providing your spouse, so that you may begin to better provide it. To determine what OM/OW is doing that ticks your spouse off, so that you can avoid those behaviors.
5. as an early warning system for any possible financial or legal threats.
6. to monitor what outside pressures are having an affect on your spouse (her parents, her friends, your adult children, etc.).
7. to determine if the affair has gotten physical (medical risk).
8. to verify no-contact once no-contact and transparency have been agreed to as part of reconciliation.
9. to determine the extent to which you believe OM/OW may be a risk to your spouse and/or your family (ex.: abuse, unstable behavior, etc.).
10. to expose deceitful tactics of the cheating spouse which, if unverified, may lead you to make false assumptions and tactical errors (ex.: cheating spouse says they want to go to MC to try to work on reconciling the marriage, but they confide to a BF that they are only doing it to buy time while they squirrel away marital assets to be used on a divorce).
Those are some "pro's" just off the top of my head.
On the "con" side, all I can come up with is:
1. If you don't control your emotions, you may not be able to handle it.
I'm sorry, this whole "snooping is BAD!" thing, to me, is just one of those mantras that gets mindlessly repeated, until it becomes part of the official catechism, without stopping to consider the real merits of it.
This "snooping" business MWD talks about tacticians call Intelligence Operations and it can make or break a marriage...
You need to KNOW what's going on in your marriage... If your wife takes you OUT of the loop you need to PUT yourself BACK IN the loop.. by performing intelligence operations... "snooping"
I’m a bit confused, I told her she needs to move out, and she understands we need to be separated. I don’t think I can serve her D papers, because she would just cave and sign and were done. I guess I was just trying to tell her that I need my space so she needs to go find whatever she was looking for, the whole, you chose him, therefore you need to leave. There must be a reason she has backed off the D word.
from my fortune cookie,,,,,,"Adversity is the test for strong men" Me -44 WAW - 43 D14 D8 EA/PA mid May,2010 WAW moved out- 07/01/10 WAW filed 07/01/10
I’m a bit confused, I told her she needs to move out, and she understands we need to be separated. I don’t think I can serve her D papers, because she would just cave and sign and were done. I guess I was just trying to tell her that I need my space so she needs to go find whatever she was looking for, the whole, you chose him, therefore you need to leave. There must be a reason she has backed off the D word.
You aren't the one to serve D papers, that's got to be HER, YOU will support the marriage, your wife, and your family always... SHE is the one that will end things... you let HER pull the plug if sh'es gonna do it... its a DARE more or less...
When an affair starts, there are three different roads your wife is looking at :
a. Pursue an open marriage - in secret if possible b. End the marriage, destroy a family, roll the dice with OM c. End the affair, rebuild a marriage, and heal a family
your wife likes
choice a : it's simple, convenient, and causes HER the LEAST amount of inconvenience - its also incredibly addictive
choice b : This is a pesky one, particularly if OM is married too. It isn't a pretty option for her at all...
choice c : This is about equal to b. She LIKES her affair, her fantasy world, she does NOT wan to give that up any more than she wants to give up her marriage
When you EXPOSE an affair, you are RESTRICTING access or CUTTING OFF access to choice a... You are basically ripping it out of her hands and this FORCES her to choose b or c
You push her to do b AND c by
1. pressing her to leave the kids and the family home and find her own place to stay if she insists on acting out like a 17 year old child 2. pressing her to explore rebuilding a marriage with a professional therapist by GOING to one yoruself alone to set an example and by improving your desirability (MWD calls this getting a life)
You basically are forcing her to accept CHANGE of type b or type c... she is going to CLING to option a for as LONG as you will LET HER...
Exposure cuts her off of that route, particularly if you can get a lot of family support who tell her they will NEVER allow OM as part of their social circle and that they don't want to hear anything about OM... Go home and rebuild your marriage is the mantra you want friends and family to offer if they can and are willing (if they support OM ignore those people, you will learn who your friends are during this crisis I promise you that)
Whenever you approach your wife about her choices you NEVER present it as :
Choose me Choose OM
NEVER NEVER NEVER DO THAT
The LONG TERM choices she has available are
Rebuild a marriage Destroy a marriage
The long term success rate of affair couples is less than ONE PERCENT... they NEVER PAN OUT LONG TERM... when you press her its for LONG TERM OUTCOMES.. you BOTH want to make the right LONG term choices right?
Then Educate her on what they are :
Rebuild a marriage Destroy a marriage
The OM will NOT be around in ten years, I can 99% guarantee that... Your wife has a simple but painful choice to make and you need to present that choice in that way... NEVER present it as her choosing one man over another, you will LOSE that choice
The choices she has available are
Rebuild a marriage Destroy a marriage and destroy family (toss that in, its a biggie)
