I don't necessarily agree with all of that. Or at least I would make the following, I believe important, distinction:
I wouldn't try to "be the better option" in some sort of sick, "try-to-compete-against-the-OP" game that the cheating spouse KNOWS YOU ARE PLAYING. I believe you have to make these improvements FOR YOURSELF, and if YOU believe that either the OP's strengths or your cheating spouse's marital complaints are REALLY things you want to improve upon, then by all means DO THEM. Just don't look over your shoulder to see if she's reacting to them, and don't come across as needy and desperate.
I always try to get the BS to focus on what THEY, TRULY believe are legitimate marital complaints, pre-affair. And not just some gaslighting "re-writing of marital history" that is so very common in situations of adultery.
I also disagree about "snooping" (gathering intel), outright. Unless you are so emotionally weak that you cannot handle what you find, I can see no good reason NOT to want to know the reality of your situation. From my own personal archives:
And that right there is the problem with deciding to gather intel ("snooping"). If you can handle it, if you can detach yourself to such an extent that you are more "hovering above" the marriage than emotionally in the MIDDLE of it . . . almost like a "game-playing" mode . . . then the information you can gather is invaluable.
However, if it's only going to serve to beat you down, and defeat you, then it's probably best not to do it.
In general, I'm only in favor of snooping when:
- you’re initially trying to confirm an affair;
- as a gathering of evidence for a "cause" legal action of adultery, or to help you make a decision about custody;
- to confirm no-contact, as part of a MUTUALLY-AGREED-UPON transparency plan;
- you are concerned about dissipation of marital assets, or a drug, gambling or alcohol addition, or some other behavior that might prove harmful to the family.
. . .
Quote:
From Thinker, on 7/23/2009:
“In my case, the Red flag was when my W changed the password on her computer and email accounts. I had an innocent reason to go in there one day (household admin) and found I was locked out. Then I noticed the sudden increase in texts, picked up her phone and read the back texts and .... BAM!
I think in my sitch snooping is the only way I could have proceeded. It was painful, and it caused huge fights between us, and yes, my W accused me of violating her trust by snooping as if that is worse than the EA, but without knowing the truth, without having it exposed to both of us, I don't think I would have been able to see what was going on and detach. I think snooping, spying and exposing the EA stopped it from proceeding further and faster.
I now look at it this way. A cheating spouse wants to be able to have an A, while PREVENTING the betrayed spouse from reacting. If your spouse cheats, they will lie about it in an attempt to control you. Since an A directly impacts your M and directly impacts you, it is your right to know what is going on so that you can make your own decisions and react in the way that you choose.”
