The countdown continues

[Gardener]

Awoken,
I agree with Sister and dburt. Address this now.

[FindingMyVoice]

Hi Awoken, just taking a quick break from work. Wholeheartedly agree with the others.

[Awoken]

a slightly tough day. D17's car quit for good.
She was in the middle of an intersection at rush hour when it quit. She told me her first thought was to call me. Fortunately I was nearby, and helped her get the car out of traffic.

After it cooled off a little, I was able to drive it to the nearest car shop, and we walked back to my car and drove home. When the shop called, they gave me the bad news that it was going to cost much more than the car is worth. I expected as much.

I texted W and told her the situation, and told her we were gonna have to get another car for D17. She is out of town visiting OM. Her first response was that she was about to have dinner (with om of course), and that she thought we should spend as little as possible. She said she thought about $2000 at most.

Just more difficulty, and a part of divorce. I will buy the most affordable car I can find, that is SAFE for D17. I don't want her breaking down somewhere. I'm sure I sound a little self-righteous here, but I'm pretty frustrated.

I had emailed my specific concerns about W scheduling activities for the kids yesterday, and never got a response. Since the dead car leaves D17 without transportation to and from her babysitting job that W forced on her, I mentioned again via text that she could not schedule the kids without talking to me about it, and that she should NOT be going through the kids at all.

Again, no response. And I shouldn't expect one.

It's all very unreal to me, this kind of communication with my wife. Today I continued my clean up of the house and in one of the kitchen drawers I found a stack of cards and notes that I had sent W over the past six years, going back to when we moved to this house. The one on top was from the flowers I sent her on our anniversary, about 8 weeks before she dropped the bomb. I called her my life's love and best friend. I remember writing the words and feeling them, but it's a cold memory now.

I'm coming to terms with the idea that I may never understand what has happened and how my wife has transformed into someone I don't know at all.

[Awoken]

So, thank you everyone. I'm addressing it. But it seems fruitless. My understanding is that I have little power of this, and that it simply means that I will be less cooperative when W needs my help.
It's not the co-parenting situation that I want for my children, or for me.

Sister is right that I am a little fearful about this getting in the way of us reaching a divorce agreement. Part of me thinks I just need to get her to sign it, and then start trying to enforce the specifics addressed in the document. To be honest, I don't think W understands it very well. It's probably because she is in some kind of fog. Probably me too.

So, any ideas about what I'm doing, and what I should be doing better? I know I haven't been posting much, and I need to get some focus back.

[Gardener]

Awoken,

She told me her first thought was to call me.

And that's all that really matters in this story.

Today I continued my clean up of the house and in one of the kitchen drawers I found a stack of cards and notes that I had sent W over the past six years, going back to when we moved to this house. The one on top was from the flowers I sent her on our anniversary, about 8 weeks before she dropped the bomb. I called her my life's love and best friend. I remember writing the words and feeling them, but it's a cold memory now.

That is detachment. I dunno, but even at this stage, such a discovery may have - even now - led to a mini-meltdown for me, briefly.

I'm coming to terms with the idea that I may never understand what has happened and how my wife has transformed into someone I don't know at all.

This exact thing was much of my discussion with IC this week. That's a tough one for me, the never knowing part. I struggle with it. Less and less, but still. You're obviously doing better than I am on this, Awoken.
Good for you.

[Sister]

So, thank you everyone. I'm addressing it. But it seems fruitless. My understanding is that I have little power of this, and that it simply means that I will be less cooperative when W needs my help.
It's not the co-parenting situation that I want for my children, or for me.

I'm not so sure that you have little power. Simply this...you are in charge of the children's schedule during your time with them. If she has made other plans, tough...YOUR schedule has priority during YOUR time with them. Unless she works it out with YOU ahead of time and you and she make an agreement. SHE handles the consequences of her planning choices when it's done on your time without your agreement. Be strong, be firm, make her live with the rules and let her know you will respect her time with the kids as well.

This separation and division of the children's time is happening NOW - These 'rules' you have both already agreed upon, verbally, if not in writing. If you let it slide now, why would you expect her to be any different later just because papers have been signed? It sounds like she is just living her life and making plans irregardless of you and your relationship with your children.

I'm really sorry it has come to this. I know how badly you wanted this to be civil so that you could have a healthly co-parenting relationship. You can approach this not as controlling or demanding, but respectfully and requesting the same respect you give her and her time with the kids. If she sends the scheduling through the children, I would simply disregard it - and tell her you will disregard it coming from the kids, that you need to hear it from HER or the schedule doesn't exist. Period.

I do understand that you don't want to look like the bad guy here, but I'm not sure you will. Make a stand now so it won't come back to bite you later. Sorry, I'm off my soapbox now.

(Would you call that a 2x4?) (((Awoken)))
You're really doing great. Just hang in there and keep plugging away at it. It will all fall into place eventually.

Oh yeah, hope you find a great car for D17 that she really likes and is reliable for her.

[FindingMyVoice]

Hi Awoken, Just thought I'd stop by to say hello, and to see how you're doing this week?

[Sister]

So did you find a nice car for your D17?

Thinking about you. Hope you had a good week with your kids last week. Got any special GAL activities planned this week?

[timehealsall]

Hi Awoken, just checking in on you.

How is D's car situation.

Do not let W dictate what you have planned with your kids! that is just ridiculous!

Stop letting fear make decisions for you! Trust me, I know that fear. The fear of finality.. it STINKS! But you cannot let it get to you. She is with OM now. So what if you ruffle her feathers. Screw her.. You have been more than good to deal with this as nice as you can be. This is about your kids now and your time with them. don't let her ruin that..

[Awoken]

No car for D17 yet. One of my sisters has an extra car which we were able to borrow for a few weeks to give us more time.

I found out today that W is object to the "morality" clauses in the proposed divorce agreement. The clause states that neither of us will be drunk or use drugs in front of the kids. Seems obvious to me, but she doesn't want it in the agreement because she thinks it reflects badly on her.

I also found out that she removed herself, and D17 from our auto insurance, putting D17! on a separate plan with her. This is likely best, since it's cheaper for D17 to be on her plan, but I still don't like finding out indirectly.

I set some specific boundaries with W about this past weeks stuff, and landed some unemotional truth darts. I'll post more about it when I've got more time.

Thanks everyone...