Wii yep, easy to get lost in thought on this one, and Alice, what you're saying, I know it's true. I've got too much on my plate emotionally already, and I need friends over complicated situations. So my goal here is to tone down my thinking, let it be simpler.
Wii, yeah, I was in a fraternity, I can recognize good vs. bad advice.
Alice - well, I was going to respond that I was just making a joke - but - real answer? Yeah I use this site to post when I'm confused, hurting, etc. and I say things here that I wouldn't say out loud, and I imagine that after awhile I start to sound tiresome to some of my friends, because I ruminate. So when I think about the history of stuff here, I guess I feel a little exposed. None of that is bad, it IS what this place is for.
So - I must admit - XW knocked me a little on my a$$ last night. See, you guys that don't know why they walked away? Well - I know. And she made it clear last night, in her anger. It was our intimate life. This is kind of hard to talk about, but I've posted about this before I guess. That's the singular thing. She didn't feel that I was attracted to her and she couldn't take it.
Wii yep, easy to get lost in thought on this one, and Alice, what you're saying, I know it's true. I've got too much on my plate emotionally already, and I need friends over complicated situations. So my goal here is to tone down my thinking, let it be simpler.
Wii, yeah, I was in a fraternity, I can recognize good vs. bad advice.
Alice - well, I was going to respond that I was just making a joke - but - real answer? Yeah I use this site to post when I'm confused, hurting, etc. and I say things here that I wouldn't say out loud, and I imagine that after awhile I start to sound tiresome to some of my friends, because I ruminate. So when I think about the history of stuff here, I guess I feel a little exposed. None of that is bad, it IS what this place is for.
So - I must admit - XW knocked me a little on my a$$ last night. See, you guys that don't know why they walked away? Well - I know. And she made it clear last night, in her anger. It was our intimate life. This is kind of hard to talk about, but I've posted about this before I guess. That's the singular thing. She didn't feel that I was attracted to her and she couldn't take it.
OK maybe I'm completely wrong here but please...just one thing? if she didn't feel you were attracted to her then why the heck would you want her so badly and why wouldn't she figure out a way to work on that perceived issue?
Honestly, I don't think it's ever a single thing and I really don't think even they know why they did what they did. Just like us they're trying to lay the blame rest on something to find closure.
Maybe I'm wrong...
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
I always tell the women, when in doubt if your not having doing the physical act with your husband, do it and see how you feel. Maybe SHE was overthinking it too. Maybe she is just saying what "makes sense" to her, who knows. They will always blame it on something.
Oh, mine did the mirror game too. So if Geronimo once said in the past that he felt she wasn't physically attracted to him, she may say it to him. I don't know why these waywards do the things they do.
Hell, maybe she's telling the truth and thats how she read the "detachment". Bang her now before this blows up in your face, LOL.
Most of the spew that sometimes comes our way contains a mixture of truth and untruth, along with balancing ratios that are often way out of whack for just how much significance the truthful parts played in the demise of the relationship.
Trying to figure out exact proportions will make you mad.
On the other hand, it is useful to ask yourself the tough questions about how much of what a spouse (or ex-spouse) says to you is true. Even better if you can use the truthful parts to send you down the road to positive change.
The opposite of love is not hate. I'm sure you've heard this before. The opposite of love is indifference. Your ex is clearly not indifferent towards you. In fact, based upon what you've written since the divorce finalized, I would say she is having every bit as tough a time as you, if not more so.
I find that interesting.
Of course it's better for ME to find it interesting right now than YOU.
I wrote you not so long ago and advised that you should try to aim for honesty and truthfulness in all that you do. I was not suggesting that you were generally dishonest. Fact is that post-divorce it is very difficult to know how to deal with an ex-spouse. If you are still in love, you could easily vascillate between being (dishonestly) detached and ignore them, and continuing to pursue, pursue, pursue.
Neither extreme is very good for either of you.
Honesty is pretty refreshing however. And it carries with it the added benefit of not having to fake a feeling or emotion.
If there is any part of you that continues to entertain the hope of a reconciliation one day, I don't think now is the time to shut her out of your life with false detachment, or any other false statements about being way over her. Not that I recall you doing this of course. Just saying that leaving the door open by being honest and treating your ex with what is honestly inside of you allows that door to stay slightly ajar.
I have to tell you that the little bit you share of her really sounds to me like a woman who is evalating the path she thought she needed to head down.
Maybe nothing will come of it. Maybe your future is with another. I'm pretty sure that for you, it's way too early to tell.
Healing and accepting the marriage being over is your emotionnal path right now. But healing from a cut doesn't mean that we'll never use a knife again, eh?
Hang in there Chief.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Geronimo, I too see your xw's attitude as a glimmer of hope but hesitant to point it out in case it doesn't turn out that way. Good advice from Bill there...
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Ah so much to respond to, and I'm not sure what's in my head today.
I am amazed at how I can get so low - the past couple days were bad, it was starting to scare me that I was going back to the bad place - and then suddenly, I'm fine. Just over the last couple of hours.
Bill, I know you we're calling me dishonest or anything like that - at the time, I was in a bit of a frenzy - haven't gone back and reread the post but I know it was a little emotional.
I didn't think there was much more left for XW to say that would really torpedo me. But the conversation on Sunday was new; different, and I really don't even want to post more about it, it was too much. I think I really need to keep my distance for now. Not ignore. It's too much right now, for me, and for her. She asked me to help her with her computer last night, and I did, but she knew, she could tell I was upset, and I did tell her "you f&$#ed me up." And I talked to her last night briefly on the phone, and I think we both agree that it's too much right now.
Yeah, she's miserable, definitely, and she's scared about security, and she's really struggling.
But anyway, of all the things that have obsessively gone through my mind recently, how to drive a reconcilation is not one of them. I don't need to make any decisions on what's possible, but hell, you know what, I just want my mind to be empty for awhile.
Last night, I felt overwhelmed, there's laundry to fold, there are bills to pay, there are a lot of things to DO, and I seem to have passed out of that mania that we keeping me going. My kids were outside, so finally, I just laid down on the driveway and watched the clouds. I just needed to stop, it was more of a collapse than anything, but after I did that for awhile, I felt better.
OK need to finish my lunch and work - thanks guys -
We all have those days, Geronimo. Accept it and let it go. When we get ourselves all worked up about having one of those days it just gets worse...catastrophizing, right! Go ahead, lie down on the driveway but remember to keep the kids away from the car keys!
