Scared and need advice

[LookingFrAnswers]

Ouch! Thanks for the smack Aver!! I hate when I get whiney, like my last post. It was a rough week but I think a good smack was in order.

B/c I'm technologically inept, I have to cut & paste your comments in:

Is the D process holding you back from making your own new life?
Yes. Maybe. I'm not sure! IT's not really holding me back, I'm holding me back. When I get this way it feels like I'm at the bottom of a huge mountain I have to climb, except I'm really tired and don't want to do it. That's the not-wanting-to face stuff issue I have.

But GET OUT THERE. What do you like to do that your X didn't? play scrabble? window-shop? roller-blade? YOU can do them now.
I know - I had been doing OK until recent weeks where I am kind of hiding. I had a much better weekend this week, so hopefully this was a temporary backslide.

After posting this, I really thought about why I was feeling no progress, becoming miserable again etc. Here are the reasons I came up with:

i went through a patch like this a few mos. ago. I get too little sleep, dont' eat right, I'm tired drained & whiney.

A real life of the party! I need to refresh, rejunivate, & Rest!! This is a pattern I've always had, even before I met H.

Sounds obvious. But yet this is what I do.

Do the work. The GAL, the self-examination, the hard work of making myself better. Yes, I've done some of it, but it has to be a HABIT. I need to make it as much a part of my routine as brushing my teeth. ACTION, EVERY DAY, NO EXCUSES.

As far as GAL, here's my report card:
Researching laptops, honing in on one I want!
Shopped for some cute summer clothes, went see an old movie screened at our library, by myself.
Had my sister's H try to hook up my old dinosaur computer to internet (was unsuccessful), made dinner for him & my niece in repayment, and this is a little depressing: went to a baby shower for, get ready, my friend's daughter She was married at 19, so guess it's not surprising to be a grandma at 48. Actually it was nice to see my old buds there.

Also am in contact with someone to volunteer at the local art center, planning my days to take off before I lose them (by June 30), looking casually at houses in the area for sale, reading Journey from Abandonment.

OK, so not the most exciting GAL to be sure, but am working to keep the "work" - and for me that means ACTION - at the forefront of my mind.

Otherwise I get lazy, in the sense that I'll let work - or whatever, the latest email from H - take over my life & then I'm back here whining.

So, imperfectly, I go forward (& sometimes backwards) in fits & stops, tripping and falling & sometimes getting lost.

So last week I replied to my L regarding H's L letter, and figured some things out. She suggested I offer a visitation schedule w the pups, so I sent H a brief email on Sat. Have not heard back yet.

I told her I wasnt' ready to give in on the cr card split of 40/60 and she supported me. I STILL have a some doubts if I should let it go, but my first reaction was not to.

Only reason I can think of to give in on it is so he doesnt' think I'm a b**ch. b/c he doesn't like that it's not split more in his favor.

Like you Aver, I feel some guilt here in putting my foot down but I agonized over it, and I think I might regret letting him make me pay for his moving/new life down the road. So I'll give her the go ahead to tell em no.

She said I must disclose my current 401K w him (puzzling they ask this since he has half the statements at the house) but so must he.

I am fine with all the other 401K & mutual funds splitting 50/50. The only things I cannot stomach are paying for his fun nights out/new life, and giving up 1 of the dogs.

I think visitation is reasonable. I never said he couldn't ever see them. I used to remind him to, but he just never has. So, we'll see what H & his L say. Uggghhh.

Keep shoving me along Aver! No I don't like it but I know I need it. Stumbling along the DB path - I think it is the surest way through. Thanks for caring enough to yell. I'll check in soon. Have a great week. (((((Aver)))))