still separated, headed for D?

[CityGirl]

I am not responding to you to have the last word. I think this is probably a good thing for both of us.

Since you feel I made an unnecessary comment and I don't then allow me to say I am sorry if whatever I said hurt your feelings. Really, I am. I don't really feel I say unnecessary things but since you felt something I said was unnecessary then we will just have to agree to disagree and call a truce.

The one thing I have learned is when you (generally speaking, not you per say) are directly involved in a situation it is very easy to overlook things or have what I call "tunnel vision". It is something I have to remind myself each day or each time something happens with my H.

My harsh reality is my H is living with the woman he cheated on me with and has been in a very deep sexual and intimate affair with her for 26 months. So when he texts me or e-mails me something that is reminiscent of how he used to be or how I want him to be it really turns me around. It is then I turn to this board, my in person divorce support group or my C to get back on track. And while I don't like to hear it, the posters that were kind enough to spend time reading the latest with my H all basically said the same thing... he doesn't care about you and this is a game to him. And they are right. I mean it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that but I am the one invested to some extent so I get twisted up about certain things. It is not easy to be reminded of what my H really is now but I know the people who are telling me this are probably spot on.

Clearly you want to see as much good as possible in your H right now, especially as a father. But the very painful reality is right now he is making choices that are not so great. Just like my H has made choices that are not so great. You don't have to answer me but it stuck out to me in a big way that you sort of gloss over the fact OW has a child that is 3, your H lives with them (or you are pretty sure he does) yet he is only a part time father to your son. Given those facts it is hard to understand why you afford him anything more than the bare minimum. I am not asking you that to be cruel or self serving. It seems like a pretty reasonable question. Like I said, you don't have to answer or even comment but it's not so much about me poking around looking for ugly things to point out.

Now maybe you don't feel that is an issue or maybe you have dealt with it on your own or maybe you really never thought of it that way but you did ask for alternate opinions so I gave mine.

People ask me ALL the time why in hell I agreed to this separation after what my H did. And the only answer I have is I felt so pressured and so beat down in so many ways it simply made the most sense at the time. Now I regret it and had I even put an ounce of thought into what people were asking me to think about at the time then maybe I would not be in the position I am in. IOW I should not have shunned alternative viewpoints because they were painful for me to hear. I perhaps should have at least considered them since most of the alternative viewpoints were things I really did not consider or think were a big deal at the time (they were) but I was just way to caught up in things to examine the big picture and all the particulars.

Now I know nothing about raising children. I can tell you how to raise a pug, how to cook cajun food, how to search family law online and how to create a gorgeous smokey eye but I know nothing about raising children. Because I allowed myself to get caught up in my H's BS for way too long I do see things a certain way and feel it is not outlandish to point out red flags.

Not long ago I completed my first semester of school and I am not sure what I will do for the fall. In a way I love it and on the other end I hate it. I am not sure I have the mental stamina to work in an attnys office and be involved in the dissolution of marriage and families. I also know that self employment in the field my business is in provides me with a great deal of stability as I can still work even when I am sick as I work out of a home office. If I give all that up for an 'office job' and I get sick again, well for now I am on my own and I am not sure how that will work.

It would be nice if somebody could tell us what is around the corner so we know what we should be busting our asses trying to do and what we should forget.

Maybe I should share more about myself but my situation is done for the most part and who wants to keep hearing the same BS? Not me, lol! Maybe though sharing more about me would help everybody see that I am not some negative, mean girl.

Look, I was at the bottom. I don't mean things were hard for me, I mean I had an actual nervous breakdown. If it were not for my mom, sister (and whole family) and the people who supported me (this forum, my dr's, support group) there is a good chance I would not be alive right now. An emotional breakdown and lupus are not a good mix and I was teetering on the edge. I almost lost my business and my home. I had to claw and fight to find the smallest measure of strength. I would like nothing more than to know that will NEVER happen to another person EVER again but it is just too hard. That is a big reason why I try and pull out facts (even if they are facts that are very, very sad) because each person can only deal with emotions in the way they see fit and sometimes it's too much to deal with facts and emotions at the same time.

And sometimes we know so much about our own situations we forget to spell it out. Like you said your H comes in to use the bathroom. My first reaction was tell him to go elsewhere. Then you said he had a medical problem and I was able to view the situation another way. I mean hell, what are you going to do? Tell a man with a medical issue he can't relieve himself? But until you added all the information it seemed odd to me that your H needed to use the bathroom at your house. See what I mean?

I cannot stand to see people get pushed around by their WAS. It makes me crazy. My H pushed me around (not physically but emotionally) and I had no idea how to handle it. And had people just said "hugs, Citygirl, it will be okay" I still would be getting pushed around. No, what is important I think (and if you don't that is okay) is to pull out the facts so you put aside the emotions of it all and make decent choices.

There really is no more or no less to my motivations of continuing to post on this forum.

[Seeing Red]

I clearly got the impression that something was wrong with me for being cheated on or I was coming across as someone with baggage?

I don't know- I do know I need to find a way to explain why I have an 11 month old and am separated.

So maybe just say "well we are separated and probably headed for divorce" and that is that? ANd like I have said, I won't date until I am ready.

First, I think he was rude. There's nothing wrong with you! You're a strong, lovely women! You can't control your WH!

But I do think your "we're separated and possibly headed for divorce" is better because it's vague. You're used to venting here about your situation, but you're among friends and we're all walking this unfortunate path together.

Offline it's a different story. I'd recommend playing it close to your chest until you get to know someone better.

I read on an acquaintance's Facebook page over the weekend that she and her husband had decided to divorce. "The reasons are unimportant," she wrote. "Please pray for us and the kids during this difficult time." Every single comment (30+) offered condolences, thoughts, and prayers. No details, no "dirt." All very classy --

[newmama]

Well things are going to be a bit slow on my end until I talk to my therapist next week to formulate my plan for addressing this divorce.

There are plenty of people who don't post something every day so I think I will try that! lol! I mean I feel like I am standing at the bow of the ship as it is sinking.

Or "Slow dancing in a burning room." (John Mayer)

This week's project- painting the hall bathroom and prepping it for moulding. I will be spending more time doing that than leaning on my crutch of the DB forum!

Citygirl-- to answer your question about WH spending more time with OW's daughter--the reason why I don't talk about it on here is that it is important to gloss over certain things (mentally) when dealing with crisis (in my opinion). My brain couldn't process everything and my body couldn't take it. So I kind of do a compartmentalizing thing so it isn't overwhelming. So in regard to that fact, it is WH's loss with his son and I don't see how it helps me to move on from WH by thinking about the fact he is choosing to spend more time with OW's little girl than his son. I guess I can bring it up to him when we discuss the divorce- just to dig it in or something? I guess that is the real point of it bringing it up. BTW I doubt you know nothing about raising kids!

OK so unless something major happens I am signing off for a bit. Need to mull things over and come up with my plan.

[WhatNow]

I clearly got the impression that something was wrong with me for being cheated on or I was coming across as someone with baggage?

I don't know- I do know I need to find a way to explain why I have an 11 month old and am separated.

So maybe just say "well we are separated and probably headed for divorce" and that is that? ANd like I have said, I won't date until I am ready.

First, I think he was rude. There's nothing wrong with you! You're a strong, lovely women! You can't control your WH!

But I do think your "we're separated and possibly headed for divorce" is better because it's vague. You're used to venting here about your situation, but you're among friends and we're all walking this unfortunate path together.

Offline it's a different story. I'd recommend playing it close to your chest until you get to know someone better.

I read on an acquaintance's Facebook page over the weekend that she and her husband had decided to divorce. "The reasons are unimportant," she wrote. "Please pray for us and the kids during this difficult time." Every single comment (30+) offered condolences, thoughts, and prayers. No details, no "dirt." All very classy --

IMHO...This guy was 'looking' for something more than friendship. Most guys hate drama and when they hear "Divorcing" or headed for divorce, they hear "drama, lots of drama coming. Run!" These guys do not know how to be friends and it is probably a clue they are not good in a R anyway. I doubt it had anything to do with why you are D and more to do with the fact it isn't over yet. Don't take anything personally from someone you have just met! It is just a reflection of themselves, not you!

[gatsby11]

Sad day, pulling back on forum. You gotta do what you gotta do, I know.

[newmama]

nothing to get excited about- just that I decided to wear a fake wedding ring when I took S to tumbling today and it helped me feel more confident! I know, I am insecure! But the other moms talked to me today and last few weeks the didn't (different moms). It's probably in my head though!

true confessions by the anonymous to the anonymous...

[Seeing Red]

No, it's not your imagination. That little ring makes a HUGE difference - I've noticed it myself.

WH hasn't worn his ring since March and I haven't worn my diamond since he moved downstairs. I also sometimes leave off my wedding band if he's being particularly annoying, and the difference is mind-boggling - I ALWAYS get hit on without my ring (LOTS of middle-age guys on the prowl around here!). Sometimes it's more trouble than its worth.

You're still legally married, so do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable.

[Mystik]

I hear ya on the ring. Pretty much every day I miss feeling the band on my left ring finger and would like to be able to put it back on again.

[Babydoll]

Sorry NewMama, to do this on your page...

As I have said a few times I can't begin to imagine what it feels like to be left while you are pregnant. I just can't. While I am glad you have the support of the other women here who have been in the same situation (and I am equally as horrified for them) it also keeps you in a bubble so to speak. Sort of like it would be VERY easy for me to gather a group of women who have lupus and are very ill and had there H's leave them (which is what happened to me) and only view the situation through the bubble of *only* being sick or pregnant.

CG, dont be equally horrified for any of us on this forum, pregnant or not! Be happy that we are all doing what it takes to get to the next step... for better or worse! Yes, it does help for us (I was left by my spouse while PG), to come together and share our stories... Its not a bubble, but rather a community of support! Just like their are threads on infedility, and sexless marriages, and so on... our similarities are what help one another understand our own sitches. Speaking for myself, it helps me to connect to FlowMom and NewMama and other PG women or new moms because they are going through the same situations as I am with Birth, baby naming etc.

NewMama has such a great stregnth, and her GAL techniques, and how she raises her son and shares him equally with her WAH is to be commended.

While I do believe that truth and honesty can help us each on here put things into perspective, I also respect that we are ALL HUMAN and have hearts, most of them broken... therefore we have scabs on our hearts and all of us on here should be more attentive to one another's feelings. We need to nurture one another while helping one another move on and to see the truth. We are all in the same boat here... for whatever reason or another, and its not a happy place!

Perhaps we should stop judging but instead offer contructive criticism in a positive manner and when your comments are not appreciated, move on to another thread. the point of us posting and responding is to help one another, not hurt or offend one another.

one thing I learned in all of this is that none of us have it easy... Whether its OW, MLC, an illness, whatever... we all got here, and wish things were different. I dont think one sitch is worse than another's but each of them are to be treated differently, and yet the same. We may not agree on another's techniques but we are not here to judge but rather support the other as they go on their personal journey. Obviously there is no text book material on what will work exactly to get your Spouse back, so we take our chances. When our mind and hearts are ready to move on we do... and we will... we have to make a few mistakes, and others few spins and turns... and in the end we hope and trust that we will all be okay. But the point is as we, LBS, are to let our WAS go on their journey, even if it pains us to see what they are doing is wron, we also need to have that same level of respect for everyone else on this site. We each have to go through the motions and when we are ready, we will know the next step.

NewMama, be strong and positive and the great mom that you are. When things get tough just remember your shining star... your son!

[Babydoll]

I took my rings off, now wish I hadnt. I feel like people stare and know... talk about insecurity! I think about getting a ring and just plopping it on my finger... after son is born, was thinking of getting a blue sapphire thin band... I will be married to my son!

This has bothered me for months... thought I was the only one!