Sage, those sites look neat! I look forward to spending more time on them. I copied the prayer for the day to hang on my wall to read over and over as I work.
CHL, some affirmations would probably help. I used to pick one for the day or week and repeat it every time I took a sip of my water (or whiskey).
Thanks again everyone! karen Goal: KEEP MOUTH SHUT
AAAgh!! I lost my post in response to Pam!! It was long and good!
I'll start from the beginning. Yes, I have a computer at home. I go to the library to get away and h doesn't know that I post on the bb as far as I know. (Not that I think he would really care, just think that I was weird ) How do you IM? from yahoo?
Yes, from yahoo and I am PSLuke1. IM'ing wouldn't be like being on the bb at home.
I don't know how to make myself happy. There are some things that I would like to do that I don't think that h would like to do but i don't do them b/c i want to be with him. He wouldn't stop me from doing the things I want to do though. It's my own darn fault... I know what you mean about feeling powerless, and giving him the power. I keep forgetting that. And, I guess I do need people to keep reminding me b/c people DO keep reminding me.
I think a good start on making yourself happy would be to do some things you like to do rather than making him and time with him your whole focus. That takes the pressure off of him to be the one to make you happy, plus you take the power back for yourself that you have given him. I can't tell you what just doing that will do for the way you feel inside. It is so different, and I know you pretty much saw the way I was feeling inside from my IM's.
What if just one or two nights a week you did things just for Karen? It would give him some space and probably make you feel better about yourself. Then when the two of you are together you have the things you have been doing to talk about and not focus on negative unhappy feelings as you aren't waiting on him to make you happy.
It does have to come from inside and I agree with CHL to pick just some small things that make you feel good and do them or tell them to yourself everyday. You are a good person and you DESERVE to be happy!
Pam, I did read your IM's to David, and it really reminded me of myself b/c I could see how desperately you wanted to know that D cares about you. I feel that way-I feel like kicking, screaming, punching, yelling, hurting, leaving, threatening, fighting, having a temper tantrum, crying, whatever, just to get the guy to say that he cares about me. But you know what, I still wouldn't believe him. He's right. I just don't listen to him. No matter what he does, I just don't believe him. It's just never ENOUGH. I am a bottomless pit according to Dr. Phil.
I think until you are happy for yourself you are going to have a hard time believing him. Our whole marriage I felt David would rather be married to OW rather than me. He specifically told me that was not the case, but it was never the way I felt. I always felt I wasn't good enough for him and wasn't capable of making him happy. But you know what, it wasn't my job to make him happy, it was my job to make me happy, therefore being someone that he wanted to be around.
I do have "feeling good" somewhere...
Well, we are going to DIG IT OUT THEN!!!
I've only dabbled a little with meditating. I have a very hard time emptying my mind!! it would be nice...
I did too at first and sometimes I still do but it is well worth the effort to keep it up, till you can become a little more focused. The web sites Sage gave you are the ones I use as she gave them to me and I think they are great.
I am back on my AD's. No matter what I take, I still have bad spells. the prob is me, i know.
No, the AD's won't make the bad spells go away, but they should make them a bit easier to control. But it takes a hell of a lot of focus to control them. I have just had to sometimes, lay down on the sofa and hold myself till my brain stops spinning. That hasn't been real recently, but I have done it more than once. Obviously this works better if you are the only one in the house, but I think we should be able to figure some things out for you, so you that you don't have to do this the hard way like I have done.
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Anyway what I have found for me is when I get upset to really, really look at why I am upset and usually there is a deeper thought connected to it, if you find that as well and try addressing it, I have found it very helpful.
Can you give me some examples? What have you come up with as being the real prob?
I will work on some examples for you later.
You don't sound pompous; I appreciate your feedback. I hate having to rewrite posts, I just don't feel as eloquent/insightful/funny as the first time!! (I guess it's not a writing competition though )
I didn't post for the longest time because of my writing. I don't think anyone pays a lot of attention to that though and I thought this post was well written.
So, I'll just journal. Feel like listening? I re-read my summary from this thread. I was really making progress with H!
++ H has been working on one of his cars every day since Sat. for me to drive so I can sell my truck and not have a car payment. He's putting more $ into it. (& exhausting himself)
Your H is putting into the R his way right now. But the focus needs to be on you and making yourself happy. I can't tell you how many times I was told that, and how long I resisted that and thought if I could just fix my R with my H that everything would be fine. But it won't be until you take back the power and find your own internal happiness.
I obviously have a co-dependency issue. (Do we use that phrase in here?). I have separation anxiety. (How about that one?) I am afraid to do "my own thing." I feel like I arrange my schedule around his so I can be with him. Then when he doesn't feel like doing much b/c he's been running around w/his friends, I get resentful. I'm not doing enough fun stuff w/my friends. Hell, I don't have enough friends.
Well, you don't have the problem of feeling not able to go out and do things that I struggled with, so go do some things that Karen thinks would be fun and you will meet new people and develop new friendships! Make you a more fun interesting person all the way around. Make Karen happy, a new goal.
Have you read Co-Dependent No More? I forget the authors name right off but it is a book my C recommended and I found it very helpful. I never got it finished as it was a library book but it is one I intend to read again.
H is reluctant to go to nightclubs with me b/c I have caused scenes in the past. Ok, it's been FOREVER ago! Then I ASSume that he is going to be too tired to have sex on the weekdays that he is with me b/c he only got 5 hours of sleep the night before from going out, so then I get pissed about that. I just can't f'in win.
So any girlfriends you can go to nightclubs with, he will probably want to start going with you eventually if he sees you going without him.
If I come on to him too strongly or try to flirt with him by suggesting that we have sex later, he feels pressured and like I'm trying to control him. I am supposed to "know" that it will happen and to let it happen naturally. Well, WHEN?? I want to know WHEN!!! And I don't want to wait until the weekend!!
Do you read Shiny's thread or Alaskangal's? Shiny is working with an H with a low sex drive and Colleen is working on adding some romance into her R. Both have some interesting ideas on them. This sounds like a lot of pressure, I'm sure you don't present it to him this way but maybe he wants to be the one to take the lead and do the initiating? I don't know, no help here.
That week that he spent all that time away he wanted to a lot, and I was also db'ing really well. I was acting as if, doing my own thing, confident, etc. What did I do that week? I should go back to look at my posts. Anyone a speed reader? So, do I spend time with him and get less sex, or spend less time with him and get more? HA ha!
Spend time doing some things for Karen, and taking some pressure off of him. I bet it turns things around.
I think that I overwhelmed myself with that list that I made yesterday, as great as it was. All I have been saying in my head to myself for the past several days is "I can't do this. I just can't do this." So I thought maybe it would help if I just made little goals and work from there. Like tonight, when H comes home (I always wake up and we kiss hello) I will be happy to see him and not act suspicious of his whereabouts and doings. I haven't been too clingy, but I'm going to go back to if he isn't reciprocating the snuggle, to back off physically. There. I think I can do this. And pray. I forget to pray...
One bite at a time, but no more saying I can't do this, from now on it is "I CAN DO THIS"
OC I want to work on the list. Tomorrow I'll have to figure out what I CAN do for the evening. This should be my list: #1 KEEP MOUTH SHUT
Should not be a problem, go for hike and have nice dinner with H, discuss hike and progress he makes on drain. Unless it went badly, then I wouldn't bring up drain work!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Pam's post to you was inspirational. I even quoted some of it this a.m. when I journaled on my post. (Hope you don't mind! )
How did your evening go? I know that you said not long ago that vb was over. Are you doing any other sports right now? Do you go to a gym? Working out helps me to stay sane. (I should have worked out all day yesterday. )
You are doing such a great job working on your M. I think it was very insightful for you to find this board and to start working on things before a major crisis hit.
Hi ladies, Last night was awesome. the night was clear, about 38 degrees, nearing full moon. We walked almost 1 1/2 hours at a decent pace. Went to dinner at place where H & I always go after bike riding (same hike/bike trail). good beer. Met some people. Mostly older than me, but that's ok, they are very active! Was concerned about getting home.
I had run home to change & saw h briefly. He was grumpy but I didn't do any "what's wrong?" and we just said c-ya' later. I told him I would check in on him for dinner stuff. I called and offered to bring him food. He called later, I said I was bringing him bbq chix pizza-special treat, and he asked me to pick up a drain part. I like when he asks me to do stuff for him b/c sometimes I feel like he has this facade of never wanting to appear like he "needs" me...
So, we ate, and he worked on the drain until 1:30 am. YUCK! I showed him some huggin's this morn. & said he must be exhausted. He said I didn't even know. I left a note telling him that I turned up the hot H20 heater and thanked him for the hard car & house work that he's been doing. He's still not done with the drain. I asked about it, but he didn't want to share much details so I let it go. No prob w/me. What's so hard? It's just a bunch of squiggly tubes. JK! He told me he sniffed the glue and THEN read the back that said how EXTREMELY flammable and dangerous it is to breathe...silly silly monkey!
I'm feeling better about today. You ain't kiddin' about working out. I swear I feel like a different person after! I wish when I act funky H would just kick me out of the house and tell me to go for a walk, or go to the gym or something. (but, oc, we know that it is NOT his job. WAMMIT!) SO, a big THANKS to Pam for kicking me in the @ss and getting me off of it!!!
I want to surprise h and hang the blinds in the liv. room. yeah, we've been living in a fish bowl for almost 2 1/2 years. I'm trying to bribe my mom to help. I'd do it myself, but they are 2 & they are ~54" long. I think he'd like that he didn't have to do it. ;.)
vb will start again in jan. trying to figure out what else to do in the meantime. join the close gym or one farther away that is open later?(a friend from work goes there-i'll see if she wants company) I will hike again with this club with my uncle. I'm also going to go to a local ski club mtg. on tues. w/or w/o my uncle and/or mom. they do stuff throughout the year. i don't know how much skiing i'll be able to afford to do though. i hope to go a few times.
oh, h said he really wished he could have gone to the hike. ya' know, when i have asked him to hike in the winter, he has said, "brrr..." I ask him to play raquetball (which i've done 2x and suck) he says he's out of shape. i ask to mountain bike on a mtn. bike trail, he says he's out of shape. well, how tf is he supposed to get IN shape if doesn't do it? i ask him to walk the track indoors, he says he doesn't want to pay $5 to walk inside. HELP!!! All I can do is just do it myself or with other people and have patience that someday he will want to put effort into "pleasing" me in these ways so to speak, right?
Oh, that was long. sometimes you just don't realize...
But, I DID stick to my goal!! H said that he "inadvertantly" invited some of his Wed. night friend's friends to our shin-dig tomorrow. I'm not sure what he meant by inadv'ly. I guess that he is having the friend ask the friends. He did say that this girl is coming. (Not the one that he was joking about the beer keg with but another that was there) I did feel some pang of jealousy and wondered "does he hang out with friend's ff's down there? (friend is married, but his wife doesn't go). does he flirt? does he like o women?" In the past I would have started to cry and asked him all of these questions, but I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT. I DID NOT CRY. That doesn't work. There ain't no cheese down there. H would be very mad at me if I did that. H would move farther away from me. h would think more about leaving me if I did that. h would get mad at me if I did that. So, I did GOOD!!!
KAREN GOOD!!!
I have to say, though, that I don't know who is coming now tomorrow, and I HAVE to behave myself. I CANNOT get scared or jealous!!! (or at least show it). I must trust him. I must be secure.
LO said that I am working on my m before a major crisis, but this is a crisis. He does not know that he wants to be m to me... Well, he wants to be, but not if this continues, yaknowwhatimean? this has got to stop/pressure kind of deal...
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