Good job AP10! This is very good start. If her D is finalizing, who's to say she won't move too. Just don't allow a sitch where he would need to be around her without you there (Kids activities)
I do not see her moving. She very dependent on her STBXH and parents...financially and in every other way. She suffers from some emotional and psychological problems as well as the fact she's a heavy drinker. She has a great family, such sweet kids. I don't see her ever stopping her pursuit of my husband, as she is looking for a meal ticket. I do not put all blame on her; in fact, I hold my husband completely responsible for his poor choices, but she's not right in the head, so to speak. I saw her today, and it takes every bit of strength and class I have to just look and walk away. He sent me a text after I saw her (I had told him how it upset me), and he said "Let's just live our life, ignoring her existence, and enjoy our wonderful children and each other." I pray he has the strength to follow through with this. Sorry if there are typos...I'm poolside with the kiddos on my phone!
Last edited by almostperfect10; 06/04/1007:53 PM. Reason: Typos
We had a really great weekend, but he still hasn't contacted OW to officially draw the line. He prefers the "just ignore the situation and maybe it will go away" route, but I've had it with that. I told him all reconciling is off until he contacts her and copies me on it telling her it is over, he has returned to his marriage and family and that she is not to contact him ever again. If he says that is what he really wants, then it is time to "man up" and do it. As for me....how do I learn to trust again? How do I move on and start healing? "Stop Thinking" has worked in the past, but my anxiety has escalated to the point of what feels like no return during this last slip of his.
Never ask a wayward spouse to make contact with their affair partner for the purpose of telling them that they can no longer have contact with their affair partner.
Nor, should you ever ACCEPT them wanting to talk to them "one last time," for "closure."
Instead, have him write a no-contact letter, the content of which is to be approved by YOU, and the letter should be mailed/delivered by you (so that nothing is added or taken away from it), followed by a thorough TRANSPARENCY PLAN (new cellphone and e-mail addresses, login/passwords provided to you, cellphone kept out in the open, etc.).
Your firm stand is good, but don't ask HIM to go deliver it to her. Have it be in the form of a letter (there are some good examples in Harley's books or on the marriage builders website).
I wanted the email written in his words, not mine. He informed her he has no desire to have any communication whatsoever with her, that any contact at all with severely damage his relationship with me and our family. He told her that he has made his choice to love his wife and children as he should. He told her that I will be checking text message records and that I have total access to his email account. All passwords from his phone and computer have been removed. He also told her that if she emails him, it will go directly to his "trash" folder and be deleted. He sent the email to me and to her, so she knows I'm aware of this. Today is the day her divorce is supposed to be final, so I think it sends a clear message to her that even though she is now legally available (not that it really made a difference to her beforehand), that he is not interested. She needs to move on and never contact him again.
I believe that my husband really wants to move on and heal with me and our family. He told me he wants to rebuild our lives. I believe his heart is in the right place. However, I also believe he is weak sometimes, that he was addicted to the "high" emailing and texting with her gave him, and that he has slipped. If I've told him once I've told him a million times, if she is what you want, GO GET HER and let me move on with my life. I did the begging thing for so many months with him, and then I just decided to let him go, that if he really thought she could give him such a better life than I could, then to knock himself out. That is the attitude I obtained when he filed for divorce. I completely shut down, no contacting him, and I only answered questions about the kids when he contacted me. I kicked him out of the house, and he wasn't allowed to move back in until he dropped the divorce. He knows that if this happens again, that's where he will wind up again. I think he can tell I mean it this time; that I've truly had more than enough and am losing my interest in fighting for this. I appreciate all the advice I have been given here. It has helped give me strength for setting boundaries with him. My heart has a lot of healing to do, and I'm hoping in time I can begin to trust again.
I'm really struggling with trust issues, as you can all imagine. I am going out of town for 2 nights tomorrow. H will be home alone, no kids. I'm worried that he will be in touch with OW, even though he has assured me he won't be (I have no reason to believe him, based on past history, and every reason not to trust him). Am I wrong for going out of town? Is it too early to leave him on his own? I know that I cannot control his actions, and I don't want to. I want him to be his own person and to make the right choices because that's what HE wants. As I've told him time and again, if that's (she's) what he wants, then to go get it and leave me be...just don't do the running around behind my back. I am wondering how I will be able to enjoy myself being away even though I will be with one of my oldest and dearest friends. I've expressed to H my anxiety, but other than tell me I have nothing to worry about, there's not really anything he can do to ease my anxiety. How long do I live like this? When does the anxiety and fear go away?
But I do kinda think it's too early in the process for you to leave him on his own. If he were a recovering alcoholic, only a couple of weeks sober and re-committed to his sobriety, would you be leaving him alone?
No, you DON'T have any reason to trust him right now. I prefer you have a full transparency system in place (sounds like yours is decent), with at least ONE piece of it being something he DOESN'T know you have access to.
I completely understand how you feel.. I am always really stressed out when I go out of town with my daughter. even though it is supposed to be something fun I have so much anxiety and stress I can't even enjoi myself, because I am wondering what he is doing, the nights are the worst.
I am so sorry you are going through this...but at least you do have the transparency to ease your mind. Just try really hard not to think about him and what he is doing. Keep in the PRESENT, this is the key, try not to let your mind wonder into that territory. When you start thinking about it quickly try to change your train of thought before it takes over.
You can do this! Have fun and enjoi yourself! But if you honestly dont think you can, maybe postpone or cancel until you feel more confident leaving him alone.
Me30 H38 D6 Married for 7 years Relationship before marriage 3 years Husband is sending me on the biggest rollercoaster in the world.
