In need of guidance...

[DiamondGirl]

To answer your questions...

I don't seem to be feeling better acknowledging all my wrongs

The stage you are in, it's too early to feel better. Acknowledging gives you a starting point a bit further on as to what to work on...

I have taken full responsibility and actually hate myself for doing this to him, my kids, and me! How do you get over that???

Did you purposely set out to do the things you regret? Did you sit there and plan out everything to deliberately do things to hurt everyone? I doubt it... You are human and make mistakes, just like everyone else. Hating yourself will just keep your emotions burning hotter and not resolve anything.

Relationships are complicated to begin with, add two people with different histories and childhoods and you'll end up with problems if the communication isn't in sync. That's what happened with me and my H... Happens to many...

Has your H come back? What's the status? How are you doing?

My H hasn't come back and to my face claims everything is still my fault and he is 100% happy. He doesn't look happy at all, looks very old and tired. He intends to move to the US at the end of the summer to be with OW. I sense a desperation below the surface of his mask... I wouldn't be able to do so unless I detached as I have...

Will he make the move? I'm not sure.. probably for a while.. I've stopped focusing on him and feel very detached.

He insists on mentioning things that he doubts in the changes he's seen in me. (last time I saw him he said he doubted I had a social life; that he thinks my friends just tolerate me..) He is spewing ugly angry things and I have FINALLY reached the point where I let it roll off me with a small smile. I still have a problem with taking a drink of STFU (shut the f** up) because I know every time I react I make it worse for myself, but I am working on that.

He tries (and succeeds sometimes) in pushing all my buttons.. he knows which ones to push as we've been together a long time.
I am on a search and resolve mission right now to eliminate the fear behind my reactions to those buttons so he won't be able to get to me any more.. It takes time though..

It's been a painful ride getting to this point and I hit quite a few really low points (one just as recently as last week.. all the gory details on my sitch..) but the people on this board were there. I am forever grateful for that.

Where I'm at this week is working on me, focusing on the kids and their emotional & physical needs, getting a life (GAL) that doesn't revolve around my H, and I'm feeling pretty okay that whatever happens will be the way it should be.

I know I need to be stronger than H will be when/if he comes out of his fog.. One of us will have to be to pick up the pieces should I decide to do so at that point.

It isn't over until I decide it is..

And it isn't over until you do either..

((forgingon))