Just found out she already filed

[whatisis]

I think that's the key, Geronimo. We often live with the false belief that our WAS's are not effected by this and all we see is our pain and our kids pain. Not so, we forget that our spouses lived with the pain of marriages they didn't want probably for years. They most likely tortured themselves about how they'd get thorugh it and ended up making bad choices. They in no way lived a painfree existence and many of us were probably oblivious to their pain. It doesn't excuse tearing a family apart but it does help to put yourself in their shoes once in a while. I know my STBX once said "I've done everyting I could to save this M" and I was shocked! I replied "well, if bitching and complaining is doing everything than I guess you did"! Did she ever suggest M counselling or anything else? No. But in her head she had tried and I sure missed it. So she had lived in pain for years before I figured it out. Sad but that's life!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Guys I don't know...I see what you're saying but I'm not ready to start feeling sorry for her. I've done that before and I've made it clear to her that if her expectations are not being met then she needs to speak up. She did nothing...just single handidly decided that she was done. I've tried doing a lot to keep her happy to make good memories. I'm sorry for being a human being and getting upset a handful of times over stupid sh*t that doesn't even matter but never did she come to me and said 'hey, I know we both acted childish, is there something bothering you? how can I help?' that's all I needed from her sometimes and all I got in return was a puffer-fish.

As I wrote in antler's thread...she's a narcisstic bi-polar crazy woman. She has unresovled childhood issues from when her dad abandoned her mom and she never let go of it. She probably projects her anger for her dad on me. The f'd up part about it is that she's the one who's abandoning her family.

Sorry I'm not feeling very sorry for her at this moment...I wish I could feel more angry at her so I can tell my stupid mind to shut up and move on- she's like a bad habit, she's done enough harm to all of us including herself. I can't get back those 2 or 3 years she took away from my our lives and the years to come where I'll only be with my DD half my lifetime. I'm upset that I can't do all the fun things I dreamed of, that early retirement that I was planning etc.

[whatisis]

Recognizing something is different than feeling sorry for them. It's not about judging her or yourself, for that matter, it's about acknowledging...that's it!

[alice444]

(((((SR)))))

I hear you- and I think that the yo-yo of feelings we're all going through includes bouncing from anger to regret to sadness, etc. Pity is in there somewhere, too. I don't think you need to "try" to feel anything right now. Whatever you're feeling is legitimate and I don't think anyone meant that it wasn't or anything like that. But eventually- and I'm sure you know this- the anger will only eat at and rob you, so at some point, you'll work through it or it will morph into something else like pitying her, that isn't (as) destructive to you and your life.

In therapy, the times when I was able to see through my anger and hurt and into H's hurt were very powerful- and confusing. How could I both feel like I was hurt AND I felt sorry for his hurt? They seemed almost directly opposed. But it did help me to have compassion for him, which at the time, left (I thought) some doors and possibilities open that I couldn't see before. Of course, you know my story afterwards. But for me it helped not be quite so angry (which only hurt me) to see him as flawed and human, and hurting, too. You don't have to try to feel anything- you will move through whatever feelings you need to on your own. You're in anger right now and I almost feel like it's a little good for you b/c of where you were before the anger. I don't think it's good to hold onto for too long, but I think you had to get a little mad to catapault you out of what you were feeling and thinking before- so you can make a break and see things a little more clearly.

[smith18]

she's a narcisstic bi-polar crazy woman

Some of us here call that "batchit crazy".

Sometimes you just have to throw the DBing out the window and get an IDGAF attitude. As someone who has moved on quite well following his divorce...

I think bottom line women want a man who knows when to listen to their problems and then when he has problems they like you to just eat your problem..and get rid of the problem so they have no fault.

[ImprovedRomeo]

wii, you're right, it's probably about acknowledgement and nothing more- just like your screen name.

alice, thanks, I know you're in a tough spot yourself but I appreciate your writing to me. Believe me, I'm not over her- and not sure if it's even about her or just the fact that I liked my previous life and losing it is just not easy.

Her reply just came in:


"DD doesn't cry when I drop her off in the mornings. I give her lots of hugs and kisses too. I brought her nap stuff in this morning and she was having fun playing with Sydney and Madison in Ms. Diana's room. I didn't think that I was trying to distract her on Saturday, but sorry if I was. I was trying to comfort her.

Her school's having a party this Wednesday after school that she might enjoy, it's called Family Day and I think is just their MOther/Father's day celebrations wrapped into one. It's the usual 4:30-6p thing.

DD's Daisy troop is having their last meeting of the school year this Thursday, June 10. I can bring her. They are having a Build-A-Bear party at the mall. So if you need to stay late that day at work, you can. The party is supposed to last 1-1.5 hours so she'll be done around 5-5:30.

And the week of July 12-16 is DD's Daisy summer camp from 1:30-7:30 at XYZ. They will be serving snacks and dinner for the girls or we can pack a dinner for her. You will have her on 14-15 and I will pick her up on 12,-13, 15. I will bring her during my lunch hour that week. It should be a fun time I think their theme is, "Once Upon a Camp" and the website (cheesy) is: xyz"


How ironic about the family day and the summer camp's theme "once upon a camp"? How can she even process this stuff without feeling guilt and remorse.

[alice444]

She's either stuffing the feelings down to pretend everything's ok (you're the enemy in a way- she won't show weakness to you if she can help it- she needs to convince you and herself that this is the life she wants and everything is A-OK, including DD), or she's not feeling it yet and some day, weeks, months from now, it (hopefully) will hit her and you'll have moved on to a better place by then.

Remember that: "revenge is a life well-lived" that someone around here keeps saying. I love that. You work towards that- let her stew in her guilt she hasn't recognized yet that will someday have a much bigger effect than if she felt it now.

((((SR))))

[smith18]

Her response is good coparenting communication.

You gotta stop trying to analyze what she must be thinking or if she has any guilt/remorse. It gains you nothing. What you need to be doing is focus on yourself and your daughter. Plan the father/daughter outings to the beach or camping or whatever and it will be good for your PMA. What I am saying is DETACH MAN! Let Go.

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring.
It means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective.
It's to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is to not regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Kerry, so what will a good co-parenting and detached response be? I need to see it from your guys POV to know what my communication with her should be like. Or I'll spill some stupid stuff.

I don't know how she's so good at this nothing phases her, she sees me as a father to her child at this point nothing more. I'm trying to see her the same way but I can't find the same calm and as-if attitude like hers.

[bright_new_day]

I know my STBX once said "I've done everyting I could to save this M" and I was shocked! I replied "well, if bitching and complaining is doing everything than I guess you did"! Did she ever suggest M counselling or anything else? No. But in her head she had tried and I sure missed it. So she had lived in pain for years before I figured it out. Sad but that's life!

Very well said wii! My x said the same thing at one point, that he had tried for years to fix things. I felt the same way you did..."what?! how is constantly complaining and pointing out every one of my faults to me, and to anyone who would listen, working to fix your marriage?" I asked for several years to go to marriage counseling and was told I was the problem, I should go to counseling. :::sigh::: It took me a while to see that in his mind he had tried, and I was the reason our marriage failed. If I could have just done everything he wanted, when he wanted it and how he wanted it, our mariage might have lasted. Wow, there's a realistic view. LOL The reality is I withdrew because I felt helpless and he found someone he thought was going to be all the things I wasn't. Soyes, he had pain, which I thought was contempt, anger, even hatred at times....but he didn't take any productive steps to fix the pain.